Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Let People Go

Grandpa is sick.

Grandpa is never sick... Grandpa is the man who breaks his toe in the middle of fixing a tractor and doesn't realize it until he gets home and tries to take his boot off (it had to be cut off) (he was mad about the waste of a good boot).  Grandpa is strong and steady and quiet.

Today, I held back tears as I watched two men move him from his car to his house.  He couldn't move on his own.  I had a few minutes alone with him today and I tried to joke, tried to hear anything jovial come out of his mouth... he usually holds his words in until he has something really worth saying, and it's usually a witty crack. I ached to hear the words that came.
"I'm not worth anything."

Grandpa and I have a special bond.  This quiet man is perfectly matched to my talkative nature.  We understand good music, good comedy and have spent several evenings together watching The Lawrence Welk Show.  My mother confessed she saw him shed a few tears when I was hauled off by an ambulance to birth a baby.  As of late, he's been teaching me weekly organ lessons.

And now, Grandpa is sick.
As I drove home, my daughter spoke from the back seat.
"Mom, I'm feeling sad."
"Why?"
"Because I think great grandpa might die," she began crying.
"Why?" I swallowed hard, trying to feign strength.
"His body isn't working like it should." 

We pulled into our driveway, and I scooped her up.  She sobbed and sobbed and then said something very profound for a six year old.
"It's so hard to let people go."

At that moment, I stopped feigning any kind of anything, and I cried too.  I've always been sentimental.  I used to fight it because I equated sentimentality with weakness, but having children sort of breaks down any barrier you might try to put up on the "stop crying so much" end.

I cried because it IS hard to let Grandpa go.  And I cried because it's hard to let my husband go.  And I cried because it's hard to let ME go.
Surrender was never an easy pill for any soldier to swallow.

Addiction or not, my life is unmanageable unto me.  It always has been.  I've spent my entire life trying to manage, and now I realize... it's not my life to manage.
I did not create me or give me gifts.  I didn't provide children or shelter or money.
This life is mine only because it was given to me by a loving Father.  But ultimately?  I am His.  For my life to be whole and complete, I must surrender my pride, my rebellion, my doubts, my fears, my lusts, my every mortal inclination to Him.
Ultimately.  It's my WILL I have to offer.  It's the ONLY thing I have to give to my Father, and like a toddler with a yet-undeveloped brain, I hold onto it like it is the be-all-end-all.
"MINE!"

This life is the most educational battle I will ever fight: the only battle I'll ever fight with the sole purpose of surrendering.
And people are hard to let go.

15 comments:

  1. Oh, Alicia, I'm so sorry. Losing someone, and the fear of losing someone, are both so incredibly hard. My heart goes out to you. I hope he makes it.

    I love the paragraph at the bottom where you talk about surrendering yourself. You put it so beautifully. Life is full of hard lessons, and I love that you are taking the care to look at them and learn. It is so hard to give up the only thing that is truly ours. I'm still trying to figure that one out.

    I love you!

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    1. Step 7 has been my hardest yet.
      Thank you for your kind words (and TEXTS!) and for your genuine concern.

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  2. I am so sorry! I was really close to my Grandpa too! Thinking of you!

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    1. Thank you -I know that it's just life to lose the ones we love, but it doesn't make it easy. He's sealed to his family and that does help... but it's still hard.

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  3. I am soo sorry about your gpa!!! Your video phone call yesterday was so timely, even though I couldn't do the meeting right then, I was in a triggery situation and just seeing your face reminded me that i wasnt alone and we are all sisters in this mess!!Thanks so much!!!!

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    1. I prayed for you! Right then and there after our conversation cut out (because I lost you at the end before we hung up) I just prayed!!!!!!!!! I feel for you and I hope you did okay :)

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  4. It is so very hard to let people go. What a good reminder to cherish the good moments.

    Eleanor

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    1. Yes, yes, yes! Grandpa is resting in bed at home, and I'm taking advantage of the opportunity to hang out with him as much as possible. Thank you for your sweet words!

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  5. This post is so beautiful. You are so beautiful. I am so sorry about your grandad and what you are going through right now. I love you so much!

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    1. Thank you, woman. Thank you. It's amazing what support can do for a girl.

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  6. Oh, I'm so sorry about your grandpa! I'm so sorry your daughter is feeling the sadness too! But I loved this post.

    I loved the line about feeling whole and complete by surrendering. I've unfortunately been in an attitude of pride and rebellion the last few weeks. I can feel the inner turmoil brewing that is a clear sign of the lack of His spirit. I don't feel whole or complete. But I know why and I know how to fix it - why is it so hard to remember to follow through? To remember how important those little things are that keep you grounded?

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    1. I've had that same attitude... the pride and rebellion. I understand completely.
      Why IS it so hard to remember to follow through and remember little things? I don't know!!! Because we're mortal? Haha... I have no idea. I'm just glad I'm not alone in this mess, like Zaida says above. I'm so grateful for you all.

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  7. This post really touched me. What a great man! Take comfort Alicia that he has lived a good life. And yes it will be hard to let him go. It always is. Bless your dear soul and your family's.

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    1. Thank you -logging on today and reading the slew of supportive comments has been really helpful. There's this huge part of me that swore Grandpa would live forever. Denial!!! :)
      It's amazing how much the comments on this post have made bolstered me up.
      I'm so grateful.
      Thank you.

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  8. love you! I have a grandpa like that but now i feel him working twice as hard from the other side.

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