1) I have a right to rigorous honesty in my relationship.
Consequence: If I ever uncover a lie (withheld truth or half-truth of minimization) I will put myself in a safe place which will require a degree of live-in separation until such time as I feel secure enough to share a bed again. The degree of space will depend on the severity of the dishonesty. During the time when I have my space, I will work on my own self-healing. [A live-in separation means separate beds and meals and activities. No sexual intimacy during this time and no seeing each other naked.] If my husband comes to me with a confession of dishonesty, I can enforce this boundary if I still feel any lack of safety.
2) I have the right to detach from my husband’s addiction.
Consequence: If I find myself at all invested in my husband’s recovery efforts (hearing his plans, monitoring/policing him, seeking out materials for him or defining his needs), I will immediately remove myself and create a physical space between my husband and myself during which time I will select an item from my self-care list and will partake of it. Exception applies to this boundary when I feel the Spirit prompt me to behave otherwise.
3) I have the right to not live in fear of my husband –his temper or his rejection.
Consequence: When I feel these specific fears, I will honestly voice them to my husband, my Savior, and someone in my support circle (preferably my sponsor). In the case of a loose cannon temper, I will ask my husband to leave. If he does not leave, I will take the children and leave.
4) I have the right to a sex life that is connection-driven and not lust-driven.
Consequence: If I feel lust in our sexual relations, I will halt any activity going on and honestly discuss my emotions with my husband. I will not engage in any intimate activities without prior emotional connection. I will honor my gut and my emotions as I strive to rebuild a new sexual reality with my partner. If I feel pressure of any kind related to sex (whether from my husband or from myself), I will take sex off the table.
5) I have a right to not be controlled.
Consequence: If I ever become aware that I am being controlled, I will honestly voice my awareness and make a stand to choose for myself. If that choice is disrespected, I will honestly voice my awareness and take the space of two nights (at least) to sleep alone during which time I will reconnect with my inner sense of self in order to strengthen and fortify my confidence.
6) I have the right to not be manipulated.
Consequence: If I become aware that my husband is manipulating me, I will honestly voice my feelings and continue the discussion only in the presence of a third party educated in sexual addiction.
7) I have the right to not be objectified.
Consequence: If ever I feel I am being used as an object to satisfy my husband’s addiction, I will create physical space between him and me. Sex will be taken off the table and I will prayerfully decide when to reinstate it.
8) I have the right to live with a husband in recovery.
Consequence: If my husband’s genuine recovery efforts stagnate or stop, I will take a break from the marriage.
9) I have a right to be equal with my spouse.
Consequence: If my husband takes on a parenting roll with me, I will physically and emotionally detach from the situation either by excusing myself or ending the conversation. If my husband takes a child roll with me, I will leave the situation to him alone to handle.
10) I have the right to feel love for more than just my body.
Consequence: If I ever feel my body is the main source of attraction, I will take sex off the table. If I ever feel pressure as concerns my body, I will excuse myself from the situation and turn the Lord in prayer and immediately thereafter choose one item from my self-care list and partake.
11) I have a right to have a say as to what comes into my home.
Consequence: If there is inappropriate media in my home, I will turn it off.