I suffer from anxiety.
My children ask if they can play at the barn and before they've even made it out of the yard, I've already imagined the hay stack falling on top of them, their little ribs crushed, the phone call to the 911 dispatchers, the trip to the ER...
My body will GO THROUGH the emotions of it all whether it's actually happened or not. Driving becomes a burden. My hands grip the wheel, my knuckles turn white. I don't talk about it -I don't tell anyone that I'm driving in fear of other drivers, that I'm going through the emotions of witnessing my children die in a car accident... because it seems CRAZY.
My husband's addiction brought my anxiety out in a really bad way.
Recovery has been KEY in my overcoming anxiety. I know medication isn't right for me, so I work through it using Priesthood blessings, the Atonement, prayer, proven healing methods, and extensive self-care. AddoRecovery and my counselor gave me some awesome tools to managing my anxiety.
My anxiety has far less pull than it did 6 years ago, 4 years ago, even 2 years ago.
But sometimes it fights for a seat in the front row, and the past few days have been a battle.
So much is out of my control right now. So very much.
My loved ones are enduring trials... physical, financial, and emotional. My children are each going through something hard. The baby has been screaming (and IS screaming) uncontrollably.
When life gets to this point, my anxiety is so present. Every move I make is riddled with worry, fear, second guessing... my chest is tight, my shoulders form into tight knots, my stomach upsets easily.
It finally all came to an awful head a few days ago and through soft tears I told my husband what I was feeling.
He administered a beautiful Priesthood blessing, and I was able to face the next day with a peaceful mind.
I can not manage life right now. Even the things I CAN control seem out of my control.
I recently read an article about Waiting on the Lord. I can't find it to reference right now because I've got a screaming baby and fighting children and a headache, but the author describes how life-changing it can be to exchange simply waiting into Waiting on the Lord.
Each morning for the past three days, I've prayed with a notepad nearby and asked, "What would You have me do today?"
My pen hovers over the paper as answers come.
"Take care of your sick baby," was Sunday.
"Take care of your children," was Monday.
"Take care of YOU," is Today.
I can do no more than this at this point. I can do NO more.
Life is unmanageable for so many other reasons than addiction, and I can't. can't. can't. handle it.
The Lord sees everything, knows everything, and so I will sit at His feet with a pen and ask, "What can I get for you today?"
I am a waitress.