Monday, July 29, 2013

New Dreams

As a little girl, I dreamed of being a teacher, a writer, an archeologist.
But every single one of those dreams was laced with one constant: children.

I bought yearbooks every year of high school for my kids -expressly so they could browse them when they got older.  I saved old outfits I wore and put them in bins in storage so my kids could look through what their mom wore as a teenager.  Who DOES that?  It never once crossed my mind that I wouldn't have children... not until I miscarried my first pregnancy.

Today I sat on my loveseat with my baby in my lap and my two tired, bed-headed children at my feet and it sunk in like a sinking ship.
This is my last week as a stay at home mom.  This is the last few days of a blessed, living-the-dream era for Alicia.

My time will not be wholly my own. 

I'm grateful for a job and grateful I am able to find one close to home -even one that will allow me to keep my kids with me from time to time.

But this is my last week to savor my true dream, to embrace it and hold it close and inhale every aspect of it.
As the new school year starts, so will my new life.
With a new life comes new dreams.  And that's okay.

The Lord will take care of us: of me, of him, of the children, of our family in whatever form it may take.


I feel exactly like Kathleen Kelly as she's getting ready to close up her Little Shop Around the Corner in "You've Got Mail."

My mentor is standing next to me saying, "Closing the shop is the brave thing to do."
I don't feel very brave.  I feel very scared. 
I've never done well with change, and I never thought "stay-at-home" would be stripped from my title as "mother."  Not like this, not in this way, and not before all of my kids were in school full time.

But it's time for new dreams. 


15 comments:

  1. I am sooo sorry. Love you.

    the Lord loves you too. and those kiddos. He will provide.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you -He is providing. I'm more okay now :)

      Delete
  2. I can feel your pain in such an intense way as a fellow working mother who had dreams of being a stay at home mom. I hope that you find joy and peace in your new position and a renewed excitement for those precious moments with your children.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm feeling more peace now. Thank you for understanding and your sweet, sweet words!!!!!

      Delete
  3. Ugh, that's so hard! I always figured I'd go back to work in some capacity once my kids were in school full time, but now that my situation is unstable I've been entertaining/praying about the idea a lot. And the thought of leaving my kids in the care of someone else, whose NOT ME,feels so impossible sometimes even though I've done it before. I'm sure the independence will feel great though, and I'm sure you and your kids will be just fine! I remember being a working mom for 4.5 years from the time my son was born until a year and a half ago. There's some sadness at not being there for all of it. But there's also a lot more joy in the time you do get with your kids! Good luck with the new job, and prayers for a smooth transition for everyone!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know this job will bring a different kind of joy, and I know my kids will be provided for. You're a strong woman... I love your words. I can just feel your strength through them both in your comments here and on your own blog. It's *almost* tangible. Love you.

      Delete
  4. Oh. Ohhhh. My heart is sad for you. I admire your strength. I admire your courage. I think you are amazing. I am so sorry. I love you so much.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much -I appreciate those words more than you know. They mean a lot.

      Delete
  5. I remember my first days at work. Terribly hard. Letting go of those old ways of life is sad. I grieve it all the time. Today I ran and ran and ran until I came to a bridge and my iPod was playing...you give love a bad name, bad name...I burst into tears, right there on that rusty old bridge. It's sad but our hearts know when it's time to move forward. Xoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love this comment -and I foresee going through the grieving process in waves. Monday was definitely spent grieving. Today I'm okay, but I'm sure another wave will hit me. It's okay. I'm no stranger to it, and I'm getting to where I can ride them pretty effectively.
      But man. I wish I didn't have to.

      Delete
  6. Life life is full of curve balls isn't it?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, and I'll say it again... "If you've got it all together, you're doing it wrong."
      I hate how true that is :)

      Delete
  7. Replies
    1. Thank you. You know I understand.

      Delete
  8. I am on that same road wondering which path to take. I do have a Bachelor's degree that I worked hard for and sometimes I feel like it was a waste. Not sure where the Lord is leading me yet, but I am certain he is leading.

    The Lord will lead you along my friend. You can do this! Hugs:)

    ReplyDelete