Fixings

A few nights ago, my husband told me that he really wants to get to know me, to see who I truly am.  In the same conversation, he told me some things that didn't sit well with me.

I went to bed a few minutes later conflicted.
I began devising analogies to get him to see things my way.  The tightness in my chest turned to hardness.  I prayed, I prayed, I prayed.
I fell asleep.

The next morning, I went for a walk.  The air was fresh, the sky overcast.  I took deep breaths in, trying to breath the tight, hard feeling out of my chest. 
"Inhale light," I told myself, "Exhale stress..."
I prayed.  I prayed.  I prayed.  Praying is the point of my morning brambles, actually.  It's quieter outside than it is my house.

"What can I do so he will see me?  Should we read my old journals together?  How can we get to know each other?  What activities would be best?"
No answers came.  Even if they did, I would not have heard them because I was too busy stewing over how to get my husband to see things my way.
The tightness increased and spread to my shoulders.  I recognized it, took a deeeeeep breath and focused on being more present.

A yellow butterfly, a green pasture, birds...

"Alicia," came the thought to my tight chest, "You don't have to fix this."
 The stress immediately melted, and I pleaded with Heavenly Father to forgive my pride and TAKE it away. 

Heavenly Father will help my husband *see* me better than I can.
Heavenly Father will help my husband learn what he needs to learn better than I can -because I admittedly have NO REAL CLUE what my husband needs.

Once again, I find myself in need of letting go and letting God.

My husband is seeking the Lord and the Lord is reaching out and guiding my husband.  I'm the meddling maiden aunt.
F'real.

Why is it so hard to GET OUT OF THE WAY?  I have no business telling my husband what he needs, what he should do... I can only let him know what I am uncomfortable with as it affects ME.

The Lord is working miracles in ME.  So suddenly I know what's best for my husband?  Where is this logic coming from?  Blah.
This is the lesson I will learn over and over and over.

I came in the door from my walk, and my husband sat down and told me some experiences he had where Heavenly Father has helped him to see me, my core, my true self. 
In turn, I confessed to him that I'd spent a few hours trying to think of ways to get him to see life as I see it rather than letting him be where he is. 
"I didn't manipulate or control you," I said, "But I WANTED to."

My pride.  My fears.  My will.
This addiction pulls me in like gravity, like a bug to a flame, holding me without actual contact.

It's crap.

I once told my mother that I knew the words, "You need to OBEY" will be written on my tombstone.  I say them to my daughter at least 40 times a day.
I can't help but think Heavenly Father feels the same way.
"You don't have to fix this."
"You don't have to fix this."
"You don't have to fix this."

I love His semantics.  He leaves the choice open to TRY and fix if I'd like to, but I know by past personal experience how that ends.  It involves insanity, tears, chocolate, Adele, and general devastation.

Alicia, you don't have to fix this.
(He didn't say that "this" includes myself, but it does.  I know it does.  And I will suffer until I learn.  It's my MO, people.)