Last week, I went to my knees in prayer and asked the Lord each day what He would have me do... not because I'm humble like that, not because Step 7 told me to... but because I was stuck, I was despairing, and I could of mine own self do nothing.
I was harrowed about with chaos, so to speak. I went to my knees because there was nowhere else to go, and the Lord is kind enough to let my life spin out of control because He knows at this point in my life -hopefully not forever -Alicia won't ask of the Lord unless there's nowhere else to go.
Alicia will read books first.
Alicia will consult Google.
Alicia will consult research and her elders...
and when all man made means fail, when she has exhausted every faucet in her mortal reach, she'll fling up her hands and through tears will cry out, "I can't do ANYTHING. So tell me what to do."
Why am I so unteachable? Why do I have to keep going through this process?
Why am I so intent on fixing myself?
Each day as I surrendered my unmanageable life, I found simplicity, peace, and perspective.
Did I tell you about my new calling? I'm the wahrd arrganist.
This means I spend the hour of Sacrament meeting tucked neatly in a corner behind a blaze of glowing buttons with no children tugging at me.
After a frustrating morning of trying to get everyone to church early so I could play prelude, a fight with my husband over triggers and stupid addiction, and my husband getting called into work... I plunked my baby in my unsuspecting aunt's lap 10 minutes before Sacrament was to start and craned my neck five minutes into my Prelude to see if my other children had found caretakers in the sea of The Community helping to raise my children.
I exhaled. As the meeting wore on and I listened to our amazingly valiant youth bear strong testimonies that had been built and strengthened during their past week at Youth Conference, I thumbed through the lesson I was about to teach in Relief Society.
The lesson was on submitting our will to our Father's. And as we all know -MM best of all -there is no such thing as coincidence.
That lesson was absolutely meant for me.
Through my studies, I stumbled onto Matthew 20.
In the end, the Lord is passing by two blind men. They call out to him, they are shamed by the multitude surrounding the Savior, but they call out again.
Jesus was still.
And then He asked of them, "What will ye that I shall do unto you?"
I stopped short and stared at the scripture. It touched something deep inside of me, and I went back a few verses to read again. This time I saw in my mind's eye that the two blind men were actually myself and my husband, calling out, calling out, desperately reaching out for healing despite the shame induced by the crowd.
And the Savior is still. He has all the time in the world for healing.
"What will ye that I shall do unto you?"
It turns out that AS I WAIT upon the Savior, HE is waiting upon ME.
Blessings are waiting for us -my husband and I -if we surrender and submit our wills.
Healing awaits as we call out to the Master.
I am blind in so many mortal and confining ways, but of this I see and know for a surety: The Savior is alive. The Savior is walking by his blind sister and his blind brother, and He is still and asking what He can do for us.
All I have need of is to call out.