Thursday, November 29, 2012

Time Off

I haven't been doing any step-work for a while now.

I haven't been doing as much studying -though I have done some.

And it makes me feel vulnerable in the Recovery World.  I'm taking steps back in my own recovery, and instead of recognizing it and using it to fuel my "I GOT THIS" fire, I'm looking at it and just feeling so bloomin' tired.

Sometimes recovery is just the pits.  To be honest, I don't want to think about it right now.  I want to think about having a baby and how to handle post partum stuff and what to do with the next YEAR of my life in the which I adjust to having an infant -something I haven't had for 4 years.

As much as I wish my recovery wasn't moving backward, I need to let it go... just for a while.

It's hard for me to not give my all to it -to not work hard at detaching and healing.  But I'm so exhausted in every possible way right now.

Know what I did today?  The dishes.
And I'm am SO ready for bed.

I really hate this.  I'm used to being able to clean my house in one day -to start at one end and whirlwind my way to the other end.  I come out on the other end reeking of sweat and grime.  I end up look like crud.  And it feels awesome.
Recovery work gives me the same kind of satisfaction -I like to work at it, whirlwind my way through soul-searching questions, come out the other end emotionally spent... but that feeling of learning something new about yourself, the insights, the knowledge... it feels awesome.

But right now.

And I'm tired of feeling like a failure because I can't right now.
And I'm tired of taking steps back.

I need some time off.
What better time than right now, when there's a baby due at any moment?


  1. I had a mini experience this week (nothing like having a baby, but enough to leave me relating to this in a big way). I have insomnia, but this week, it was crazy bad -- as in not falling asleep until after kiddos went to school. Yesterday I was crying and 'venting' to my sister about how unfair it is and how hard I've been trying to 'work my recovery' and why would God let this happen when I'm working so hard and look I must be doing it wrong again because if I can't sleep how can I do what He wants me to do etcetcetc. It made no sense. Why wouldn't He help me keep plowing through...I was making so much progress!

    And she just gently reminded me that taking each day and life as it comes is a KEY part of my recovery. And it was like a light bulb went off. Recovery work isn't about the checklist of things we can get done (even as we do have those moments of breakthroughs, etc.) -- it includes learning to let go of expectations in the moment, in the mess and up and down of life, and ride with God each day, through the good and the hard.

    So that was my thought as I read your post. Sista, you are having a BABY -- one of the grandest (and hardest things!) God invites us to do as part of His will and plan. That's not backwards! You aren't a failure. Adjusting your pace and to-do list is right along with recovery, imo.

    At least that is what I realized yesterday as I lay around unable to do much of anything from lack of sleep and the headache that was taking over my head.

    Is there anything tangible you can delegate to a visiting teacher or a young woman or a friend or someone else? Like asking a YW to come clean or babysit as a personal progress project or asking for a meal or two now as you prepare (as well as after the baby is born) or.... Look at where you are feeling most overwhelmed and see if either you can delegate or how the 'let go and let God' thing may help.

    Just some thoughts and suggestions that have helped me this week from my support people! ;)

    Thinking of and praying for you!

  2. You are not a failure! You are in the last days of growing a human and it is HARD WORK!!!! You totally DESERVE a break! And you know what, I don't think you are really NOT doing what you need to. Sure, you may not be working on step work, but isn't it true what everyone says - one day at a time? Maybe today God's will for you is just to sleep :)

    Good luck!!! You can do it!

  3. "Maybe today God's will for you is just to sleep :)"

    I love this. She said so much more succinctly what I was trying to say. Recovery includes -- and really IS -- doing what is right for today.

  4. MM and Michelle are right! Just sleep:) ZZZZZ!! You deserve a break from recovery work, to just snuggle down in a soft warm blanket and feel some peace. Think of "Silent Night" and drift off.

    Love you and praying for you!

  5. exactly what Michelle said, live for today. Check in with your heart. Do or don't do what needs to be done or not done. and remember not doing is just as important as doing.

    a season and time for everything. 12-step has really taught me to live in the moment. not in the past. not in the future. not in the "what if's" or "should haves"

    resting is a good thing.

  6. Ladies,
    Thank you!
    I'm drawing on your strengths -you're all so wonderful is so many ways.

    Since writing this post, I've found myself in a place I never thought I'd be in: I'm not worried about my husband at all. His being transparent has been so important to me lately, but right now I'd rather not know anything at all about what he is or isn't doing.

    I'm keeping "busy" watching movies, stitching old school sock monkeys, and drinking chocolate milk.
    And I'm still pregnant! Longest pregnancy I've had to date -I never thought of myself as a good hostess, but it looks like this baby disagrees (dang it, haha).

    Thanks again, ladies. Resting is definitely what my body, mind and soul NEED right now -today (and tomorrow and the day after and the day after...)
    Bless you all.

  7. just wondering if that baby is still taking advantage of your hospitality? merry Christmas my friend!