I haven't been doing any step-work for a while now.
I haven't been doing as much studying -though I have done some.
And it makes me feel vulnerable in the Recovery World. I'm taking steps back in my own recovery, and instead of recognizing it and using it to fuel my "I GOT THIS" fire, I'm looking at it and just feeling so bloomin' tired.
Sometimes recovery is just the pits. To be honest, I don't want to think about it right now. I want to think about having a baby and how to handle post partum stuff and what to do with the next YEAR of my life in the which I adjust to having an infant -something I haven't had for 4 years.
As much as I wish my recovery wasn't moving backward, I need to let it go... just for a while.
It's hard for me to not give my all to it -to not work hard at detaching and healing. But I'm so exhausted in every possible way right now.
Know what I did today? The dishes.
And I'm am SO ready for bed.
I really hate this. I'm used to being able to clean my house in one day -to start at one end and whirlwind my way to the other end. I come out on the other end reeking of sweat and grime. I end up look like crud. And it feels awesome.
Recovery work gives me the same kind of satisfaction -I like to work at it, whirlwind my way through soul-searching questions, come out the other end emotionally spent... but that feeling of learning something new about yourself, the insights, the knowledge... it feels awesome.
But right now.
And I'm tired of feeling like a failure because I can't right now.
And I'm tired of taking steps back.
I need some time off.
What better time than right now, when there's a baby due at any moment?