Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Take That!

My mind is busy.
and tired.
VERY tired.

There's no room for porn addiction.

When my husband and I had an addiction-related difference of opinion yesterday, I felt heavy.  I don't want to deal with porn addiction right now.

I want it to vanish for a few months -just until my hormones balance out a little and the baby sleeps at least four hours at a time.

I can function on four hours at a time.

But porn addiction doesn't vanish.  It isn't convenient.  It isn't on a beck-and-call schedule.
It just... is.

It always is.  It is during the holidays and during pregnancies and during moves and raises and housework and birthdays and anniversaries and deaths.

But right now: there's no room for it.  I can not handle it.  After our difference of opinion, I felt no need to argue my point, to defend my stance or to talk at all, really.  So I didn't.
I don't agree with him.
He doesn't agree with me.

I took the matter to the Lord.  I laid down on my bed (because kneeling isn't really an option right now).  I closed my eyes.
I pleaded.
"Take this.  Please just TAKE this.  I can't go through these emotions.  I can't think about this.  I can't talk about this.  There's nothing left of me for this.  I can't dwell on it.  I can't face it, handle it, learn from it or or or..."
I fell asleep in the middle of the prayer.
Forty minutes later I woke up.

It was gone.
He took it.
I quit trying to take it.  I gave up.  I admitted that I couldn't take it anymore and I asked Him to.
And he DID.

My heart is filled with gratitude and humility.
I feel awful handing my crap over to someone else... I feel like it's MINE.  I HAVE TO HANDLE IT.  It's my job.  I'm a responsible person who handle their own stuff.  I do not pass it off on someone else.
But what about when I can't handle my own stuff?
HE can.  I am never alone.  I have a partner, and it isn't my husband.  It's my Savior -it's my Father in Heaven.
I just love Him so much -so very much.

I can DO today because he took my... stuff.

1 comment:

  1. I don't know why, but I just love the image of a pregnant Alicia praying on the bed for relief and then falling asleep. :) It sounds like just what you needed!

    Also, I love the line where you said, "I have a partner, and it isn't my husband. It's my Savior -it's my Father in Heaven." I have been thinking about this lately. I used to make my husband MY ROCK, but it never should have been that way. I had always heard that the number 1 relationship in your life should be God and I remember thinking, "Ummm...no, it's my husband." Like, I actually thought everyone else was wrong and that MY HUSBAND came before God. But not any more. And do you know what's weird? I think that hurts my husband more than seeing me in pain hurts him! -MM