If there's one thing that makes me really uneasy -that really gets under my skin... it's swearing.
I swear. I swore on this here blog once.
But I do not swear in front of my kids, and I hardly ever swear out loud. I'm not saying this to sound self-righteous or to somehow stick my nose up to people who do swear.
I'm only saying that swearing makes me uncomfy, so I don't do it. I don't like being around it. It makes me squirm the same way bugs make other people squirm and the same way nails on the chalkboard make other people squirm.
When my husband and I were dating, he never swore. Not-a-once.
And then we were married. The hunt was over.
And the swears began coming out of my new husband's mouth. I didn't want to nag because I wanted to be a perfect little wife, but I did let him know that it bothered me.
Years later, the swearing had increased. Instead of asking him and nagging him to stop, I simply wrote him a letter and left it out for him to read.
"Please understand that I fight to keep the spirit in our home. I work hard at it, and you have the ability to destroy the work I've done with four letter words."
Now.
This may all seem eye-rolling dramatic to some of you, but I should also say that nothing much bothers me or gets under my skin. I don't care about toilet seats or clothes on the floor or hair in the sink.
After writing that letter, I even gave up on the whole "swearing" thing. I just dropped it. It wasn't worth it.
Well, now I have two extremely sweet children.
And lately, it's been a constant battle to keep their mouths clean -my husband's swearing has gotten much, much worse and half the time he doesn't even realize he's doing it.
In the meantime, I've got a four year old boy who stubs his toe and says, "Sunnuvva bitch!"
And I've got a five year old daughter who caught her parents making out in the kitchen and sweetly asked, "Why in the hell are you guys kissing?"
She's also taken the opportunity to tell guests that, "We don't say cock or bitch at our house because they're naughty words."
*head slap*
Every time one of my sweet little kiddos swears, I let my husband know. Every time my husband swears, I let him know.
How can I say, "We don't say those words," to my kids when ten minutes later, my husband is playing a video game and swearing up a storm?
I have no clue.
He's getting tired of me getting upset over something he doesn't feel is a big deal.
I'm getting tired of hearing my little ones sound like Spawns of Sailors.
His addiction has taught me that I have no control over him -over his actions. I have control over mine.
And I get that -I can do that.
I can live with a porn addicted man, but I can't stomach SWEARING. Isn't that nuts?
I can fight to keep porn out of my home. I can set up blocks, filters, throw out movies, delete music... but I can't keep swearing out.
I should clarify that I don't care if my husband swears... I just care if he brings it home and spouts off with the kids and I around.
I want it left at the door with the porn.
Also -being 35 weeks pregnant has grossly increased my level of intolerance.
Which is why I came here to type out my thoughts before I go to battle -once again -over the swearing.
I can't take another day of explaining to my kids that, yes, Daddy says it but NO you may not say it. That's not the kind of parenting I feel good about.
For me, Its an interesting topic. I grew up with a Grandma and uncles that swore all the time. My Father-in-law swears. My best friend swears like a sailor. They are great people and I love them. My Uncle even swore in Elders Quorum while he was teaching, It didnt even phase him. I have a brother who swears and does infront of my parents. I know he does it to get e rise out of them and it irritates me that he does it. I dont care that he does, just don't do it infront of Mom. I swear under my breath in the garage or working on projects. My wife swears and it makes me uncomfortable, hows that for hypocritical. I have an 18 year old daughter who will let mild things slip out and I will tell her " ladies dont talk like that"
ReplyDeleteI think there are better ways of communicating and that swear words are inappropriate in public. Thats just my two cents.
I come from a long line of swearers as well! They're all ranchers and farmers... so I don't know why it bothers me so much. I love that you said, "just don't do it in front of Mom."
DeleteWell, I'M a mom! Haha! Maybe that's a big part of why it bothers me so much. He doesn't swear nearly as much around his own mom for sure :)
I hate swearing as well. The worst were I say is, "Damn it and crap"
ReplyDeleteMy mother in law hates it when I say, "crap." It's so offensive to her. I try to catch myself, and say, "shoot" instead.
Hubby on the other hand swears when he is really mad. He also deals with a lot of swearing at work, so it's hard sometimes to not let it sink in.
I am with you swearing has become an epidemic, just as much as porn and it needs to stay outside the home.
Maybe that is a boundary that could be put in place, to protect you and your children. As a family you can think of words to replace the swear words.
Do I hear Family Home Evening Lesson on "Swearing" in the making?
Check out the church website, I bet they have lots of articles on swearing. The Strength of the youth pamphlet is a good resource.
A FHE is a good idea... mostly I think I need to just have a talk with my husband about it. The kids know when they're using naughty words and we've had long talks about it.
DeleteI don't want to have a lesson on it until both parents can set an example. No point in asking them to use better language when their parents aren't, right?
My husband deals with A LOT of swearing at work... a lot, a lot. I know it's not easy to come home and just stop, but I'd really appreciate it!
This has had me thinking since I read it.
ReplyDeleteOne thing that is interesting is that when our husband's use porn (especially secretly), although it affects THEM and the spirit they carry with them, we can still make our homes a haven of peace and a place where the spirit resides. WE can still feel the Spirit. OUR CHILDREN can still feel the Spirit. Which really, is a great comfort. It's not that their choices don't affect us and it's not like relationships aren't being destroyed, but the Spirit - we can still have the Spirit in our homes I think.
But, like you pointed out in your letter, when he starts swearing in front of you and the children, the Spirit leaves in an instant. All of the work you did to invite the Spirit and make home a haven of peace flies out the window (not that you can't have it back, but I think I see what you are saying.) How interesting. And sad.
I agree with you about not feeling comfortable telling them, "No, Heavenly Father doesn't want us to do this...but it's ok for daddy to do it (or) for mommy to do it." - that's the type of parenting that doesn't really make sense and also seems pretty ineffective, really. Swearing ALMOST seems like a small issue, but at the same time, I can see how it's not. I hope you can get your husband to understand why it bothers you.
It does seem like a small issue! That's why I haven't addressed it as much.
DeleteBut it also doesn't seem like a small issue, haha.
I hate the idea of bothering him about changing ANOTHER thing, but it's bothering me so much that it needs to be addressed.
Now even the kids are catching him and correcting him... is that progress?
I don't know.
I think the swearing IS a big deal. Not because of the words themselves, but because they show a lack of respect for your presence. Even when you take the kids out of the equation, your husband swearing is a disrespect to you. You have asked him to stop, and he shows you through actions [words] that your preferences don't matter to him. If it isn't a "big deal" why shouldn't he just stop?
ReplyDeleteSpeaking politely is courteous to the people around us. It shows we care enough to filter what is coming out of our mouths so other's don't feel uncomfortable.
I think the rub is that he gave you that courtesy when he dated you. You had the expectation that your husband would continue to give you his best self. You were marrying someone who didn't use foul language. There is no reason why you shouldn't expect that now. I think you should hold your ground on this one friend. Go to the core. Help him see that it is more about how the words make you feel, than the words themselves.
I'm so glad you understand... It does bother me that he gave me a clean mouth when we were dating and it just vanished after we were married -it was one of the things that attracted me to him!
DeleteI don't want him to think I'm expecting perfection from him... but I do want the filthy mouth cleaned up. I don't want to be his mom, so maybe I should have his mom call him and have the talk with him? Haha...