I know what's coming. I've been prepping my house, mind and body for it. And now that the clothes are out, the car seat cover has been washed, the hospital bags are packed and there's food in the freezer...
I'm just waiting.
I've never been this prepared for a baby before. I have no idea what it's like to be prepared to have a baby. Will recovery be easier because I have taken measures to help it along the way (something I've never done before)?
Every night, my sleep is restless. My dreams are invaded with Baby. I wake up sore and tired every morning.
When will she come?
I've officially carried this baby longer than I did my son.
My daughter was born at 37 weeks and 1 day.
I am 36 weeks and 5 days.
I'm waiting, waiting, waiting.
Should I sleep with my contacts in -just in case I go into labor in the middle of the night? Should I wear my robe to bed? Sleep with a waterproof bed liner, just in case my water breaks (though it never has on it's own)?
Is my phone charged?
Are my shoes by the bed?
It's taking over my BRAIN. But it isn't foreign to me. I've had my brain taken over before -or I should say: I've LET my brain be taken over before.
I'm more prepared than I ever have been for my husband to relapse. My recovery has progressed farther than it ever has. I'm more healthy in every way (hence the fact that I'm more PRESENT for this baby. I've been so wrapped up in my husband's addiction that I wasn't able to properly prepare for my other babies).
But I still don't know how I will handle it... how I will recover.
And then there's the question:
I'm allowed to let the "When?" of Baby take over my mind -it's only natural.
But I'm NOT going to to let the "When?" of Addiction set up residency.
I don't know how I'm going to recover from Baby. I'm scared out of my mind to go through the inevitable -it feels like a brush with death. I've given birth all natural before, and I felt every. thing.
I lost control, people. I yelled. I left welts in my husband's hands. I shook and cried and begged for pain meds -and was told no... there was no time. The baby was coming too fast.
And when it was all over and I had a big-eyed baby in my arms: I was one with heaven.
To access heaven, sometimes we have to brush death.
So it is with addiction -whether you're the addict or the one in love with addict. There is heaven at our fingertips if we are willing to brush death to get at it. If we're willing to ache, to go through emotions, to yell, to cry, to shake, to leave welts...
Heaven awaits our efforts.
Right now, I know it's coming.
It is the calm before the storm.
Prayer is non-optional.
There will be angels on my right hand and left to bear me up, whether I'm in a hospital bed or hiding under the covers in my own bed (we've all been there).
Right now is the time to prepare.