Wednesday, December 26, 2012

I Don't Care

The 39th week of pregnancy is hell.
I imagine everyone is hell is walking around 39 weeks and 6 days pregnant.  Because seriously.  Nothing is worse.
You're physically limited, emotionally out of control, and there's nothing you can do about it except WAIT.

About one week before my baby was born, my husband and I left our kids with a sitter and went grocery shopping.  Walking around the store was one big mass of contractions and "honey, you have GOT to walk slower."
We were an hour late picking our children up solely because I was so slow-going.

With so much going on in my mind and body, I didn't have one inch of room left in me to CARE about my husband or think about his addiction, but as we drove home from our grocery date I felt prompted to ask him how he was doing.

I hesitated.
Mostly because I truly didn't care.  I was beyond caring whether he was looking at other women, how often he was, where he was...

But I couldn't shake the feeling, so I took a deep breath.  and I took the plunge.
He unloaded.  He opened up the deepest, most hidden-est parts of his SOUL.

He's been slipping, he confessed.
I listened as he talked -thankfully the nearest grocery store is a 30 minute drive from home, so he had plenty of miles of talk.
And when he was done, he waited nervously for my reaction.  Which was:
"Thank you for being so honest -I really appreciate it... I just don't care, you know?"

They call me Princess Tact down at the office.

Interestingly, my reaction seemed to open up MORE of my husband's soul.  Apparently, the less I care, the safer he feels talking to me.  And he HAS talked... since that day he has been 100% transparent.
Not all the news has been good news, but still.
I don't care.
Maybe my heart is two sizes too small? 
Or maybe I'm just more healed that I realized.
Maybe all I needed was a new little one in my life to help me step back, slow down, and realize that I'm doing okay.  I'm doing all right.  I'm even doing a little better than I thought I was.
Because for the first time in 8 years:
I don't care about porn.


  1. The last month is pregnancy hell, but especially the last week. Sometimes I think that women shouldn't be allowed to get THAT pregnant - it is TORTURE! I'm glad you are through that part of pregnancy and hopefully on your way to a great recovery and enjoying your beautiful baby!

    So, as I read this, I have been curious what you mean by "I don't care about the porn." Do you mean, "I don't care if he views porn so he might as well keep doing it." Or, do you mean, "It doesn't hurt me the way it used to when I find out he has been engaging in it, but I still want him to stop." Or does it mean, "I am so freakin' tired right now that I could care less what he does...for now."

    1. Oh it's definitely a combo of the last two.
      There's been nights where the baby and I fall asleep on the couch -that leaves my husband alone in his room. In the past, that would really bother me. I would lay awake and WONDER if he WAS looking or WASN'T looking. But the past month, I just don't care if he is or not. I'm just too tired to worry about HIS stuff. I'm more than happy to hand it over to the Lord and hand it back to him. It definitely doesn't hurt me the way it used to, and it is so freeing.
      That said: I still have my boundaries enforced and intact. His slipped has caused me to put a few more up, but it was so effortless to go to him and just say, "Hey, I can't do THIS or THAT right now. So I'm not going to."
      Usually after we have a talk about his addiction, I stew over it. I think about what he has said and I analyze it. But the past month I really haven't. Minutes after we talk, I'm thinking about what to make for dinner.
      I'm grateful to be in this place.
      I don't know if it's a permanent step forward or not. I'll probably slip back later on. I don't know. All I know is I'm grateful for what it is, and I'm enjoying it today.
      I know I said it once before, but it's just so FREEING.

  2. There is something significant in this. I detected the same sort of attitude in my wife not long before my big breakthrough. Her words to me were, " I'm going to leave it between you and the Lord". She quit trying to fix me. She would still confront me, but more gently. Now we're learning incredible new things about each other!