Friday, December 28, 2012

2 Years

Two years ago yesterday I hit my rock bottom.

I was crumpled up in a sobbing mess in my kids' empty bathtub.  It was such a hopeless, painful place to be.  With each new wave of sobs, it felt like my ribs were trying to crush my innards.
I had nowhere to go -nowhere to turn -no words.

And that's when my life changed.

Because when you have nowhere to go -nowhere to turn and absolutely NO WORDS there's One who will be there and understand... even when all the "words" you have to offer are painful innard-crushing sobs.

In two years, I've learned so much more than I ever thought I wanted to know about porn. 
Two years ago, I liked my husband but I didn't feel LOVE for him.  I hated his addiction.  I contemplated divorce.  I weighed my options.  I cried for 6 months.  I devoured literature about pornography addiction.  I prayed more than I ever have. 

Today I'm a different person.
I definitely love my husband.  MOST definitely.
I'm grateful for his addiction.  I hate what it's DONE to our relationship -rather, what we've let it do to us, but I'm grateful for what it's taught me.
I'm still weighing my options, and I fully realize that despite the marital advice that we received from so many... divorce actually IS an option -it's a reality -it's woven into the fabric of sexual addiction.  While I don't hope for it, I keep a small pocket in my brain for it.  I have a Plan B for it.  I hope I never need to use it.  I'm not done crying... but I am, for the most part, a functioning member of society.  I still devour literature about porn addiction.  I still pray like mad.

It's a ratty sort of anniversary.
But I'm proud of it in my own weird way.

I'm still standing.
What's more: I'm standing taller -because of my Savior and His Atoning Sacrifice (and with a great deal of help from the 12-step program).


  1. Alicia, this is a fantastic blog. You should submit it to the ldsaddictionrrecoveryblogs group! I would love to see your posts regularly! I think recovering addicts can benefit greatly from hearing the spouses perspective, and vice versa. Best wishes for the new year!

  2. Thanks so much for recommending that link to me! I'd never been to that site -it's really great. I submitted my blog.