Two years ago yesterday I hit my rock bottom.
I was crumpled up in a sobbing mess in my kids' empty bathtub. It was such a hopeless, painful place to be. With each new wave of sobs, it felt like my ribs were trying to crush my innards.
I had nowhere to go -nowhere to turn -no words.
And that's when my life changed.
Because when you have nowhere to go -nowhere to turn and absolutely NO WORDS there's One who will be there and understand... even when all the "words" you have to offer are painful innard-crushing sobs.
In two years, I've learned so much more than I ever thought I wanted to know about porn.
Two years ago, I liked my husband but I didn't feel LOVE for him. I hated his addiction. I contemplated divorce. I weighed my options. I cried for 6 months. I devoured literature about pornography addiction. I prayed more than I ever have.
Today I'm a different person.
I definitely love my husband. MOST definitely.
I'm grateful for his addiction. I hate what it's DONE to our relationship -rather, what we've let it do to us, but I'm grateful for what it's taught me.
I'm still weighing my options, and I fully realize that despite the marital advice that we received from so many... divorce actually IS an option -it's a reality -it's woven into the fabric of sexual addiction. While I don't hope for it, I keep a small pocket in my brain for it. I have a Plan B for it. I hope I never need to use it. I'm not done crying... but I am, for the most part, a functioning member of society. I still devour literature about porn addiction. I still pray like mad.
It's a ratty sort of anniversary.
But I'm proud of it in my own weird way.
I'm still standing.
What's more: I'm standing taller -because of my Savior and His Atoning Sacrifice (and with a great deal of help from the 12-step program).