Thursday, January 3, 2013

Good Cop/Bad Cop/Better Cop?


Throughout my entire marriage, excepting perhaps the first few blissfully blinding months, I have lived with two different men.
One was thoughtful, sentimental, and funny.  He laughed easily and helped around the house.
One was angry.  Small incidents would set his temper off, and he was grossly intolerant.

For the past month, I've lived with three men.

I still have my two Ol' Men hanging around with me... one making me laugh, the other making me want to shove Ensign articles about anger next to the toilet so he'll find them (you know you've done it).

But the third?
He's new.  I'm still getting to know him, but holy crap.  He's amazing! 
He picks up on my emotions without me having to say anything, and I find him time after time doing small acts of service so naturally that  I hardly think he realizes he's doing them at all.  When my daughter lost her very first tooth, she was beside herself with excitement and absolutely DEVASTATED when she dropped the tooth somewhere in the house...
It was late, and I was exhausted (and nursing for the 30 millionth time that day).
"The Tooth Fairy always knows the minute a tooth falls out and she starts heading our way," I said, "She'll be here tonight.  We'll just leave her a note telling her what happened.  She'll understand and leave money anyway."
I'd much rather make up a creative lie than actually get off the couch.
A few minutes later, I noticed my husband on all fours in the hallway, searching side-by-side with his daughter (who was still a mess of tears).  And they found it.
My husband used to do things like that so I'd see -so I'd notice that he was doing well.  Now he just DOES them because he wants to.
He's also been talking with me about recovery.  A lot.  A LOT.  I don't bring it up anymore.  I just live with him, and sit by him... and I hear all about recovery.

I wonder about this third head.

I'm still getting to know him, and I'm still hesitant to trust him.  But he's put a spark of hope in my heart.
I recently confessed to my husband that I felt like I'd gone from living with two men to living with three... to which he replied, "I feel like I'm getting to know a different side of me."
Will this third head squelch the other two?
I don't know.
It's got me wondering about my own heads.  How many do I have?  And how many of those are pleasant?  How many need to be squelched?

It's something I'll research (probably while nursing).
Recovery-wise, I'm in a good place right now.  I certainly hope it's because of the work I've done and not just because my husband seems to be doing well.
I'd love nothing more than to be in a good place, even when he isn't.
But hey.
I'll take this third-headedness any day. 


  1. I bet my wife would identify with this! Ha, ha. And guess what. I'M having to get used to him also! It's weird. It's like my identity is changing radically, and I'm trying to keep up. It sounds like hes in recovery. Good luck with your own!

    1. It's always so nice to know that we're not alone in our Crazy. I can't think how many times I've hit my knees and started a prayer with, "I think I'm going crazy." And then I connect with men and women going through the same thing and my mind is put at rest.
      If I am crazy, at least I'm with friends :)

  2. OK, this is totally cool. I've heard of the Jekyll and Hyde two-men thing, but never heard this third man description. I LOVE it.

    1. It's CONFUSING is what it is... but I imagine it's a temporary state -a transition maybe? I hope :)

  3. The recovery word that comes to mind is a restoration. He's discovering who he really is, maybe?