Triggers are funny things. They seem to sneak up behind you, jump on your back, cover your eyes, slap you silly and then run off... leaving you hurt and crying and wondering if you should get a divorce or not.
EVEN if five seconds prior to the Trigger Slap, you were completely content with your life and marriage.
We took our baby to church for the first time yesterday because my brother (who is in my ward) was being put in the Bishopric.
Babies are wonderful excuses, aren't they?
You can use them as an excuse to buy something "for them" that you would never buy for yourself alone (Disney movies!) and you can blame stink on them...
And you can use them to leave the room and go off on your own.
"I need to feed the baby..." you can say.
And then you can be alone and free and sit in the mother's lounge and have a good cry.
As I rocked and fed my baby, I thought about the WHY of my tears. To be blatantly honest, I was feeling victimized. I was feeling like I'd been robbed of things that I felt I deserved in a husband.
I hated that I felt this way. I've learned so much and come so far to overcome Victim Thinking... but there it was, tears and all.
So I rocked and I prayed. I rocked and prayed, prayed, prayed.
Before seeking refuge in the Mother's Lounge, I had stayed for the Sacrament and Sacrament Hymn... I am a Word Nut, and when I come across a really well-written hymn, I'll read it over and over as if it's a poem standing alone with no music to accompany it.
Yesterday we sang, "Behold the Great Redeemer Die" written by Eliza R. Snow.
I read through and through the verses, and one phrase really hit me.
"Father, from me remove this cup.
Yet, if thou wilt, I'll drink it up...
I've done the work thou gavest me;
Receive my spirit unto thee."
Yesterday, I sat with a newborn in the Mother's Lounge and wondered -honestly in prayer -if I had made a mistake when I married a porn addict. He was a porn addict when I married him.
He didn't realize it.
I didn't know it.
But our Father in Heaven MUST have know -must have realized!
Knowing it, WHY would He tell me that my husband was the one I should marry? I'd prayed while I had dated him, and asked Heavenly Father, "Is this okay? I really like him... I'd like to keep dating him, please let me know if it isn't Thy will."
He never let me know, so I kept on keeping on.
I knelt with my then-boyfriend-now-husband one night, and we prayed and asked together if we ought to get married. The answer was overwhelming and undeniable... YES.
I know because of the answer I received during that prayer on THAT day... marrying my husband was no mistake.
So, why? WHY?
The lines from the Sacrament Hymn came to mind.
Father, from me remove this cup.
Yet if thou wilt, I'll drink it up.
Heavenly Father's job isn't to protect me from pain or grief or sorrow. It isn't His job to make sure I'm always comfortable -in fact, it's His job to make sure I'm NOT comfortable, to see how I can handle life when it gets difficult.
Everything I've learned in recovery has helped me to realize shortcomings I didn't know I had... and it's teaching me how to fix them.
Heavenly Father didn't WANT the Savior to suffer, but the Savior HAD to suffer. It was non-negotiable.
He doesn't want me to suffer either, but the way I'm suffering and everything it's teaching me is essential to my salvation. Would I have learned it some other way? Maybe. Maybe not.
It doesn't matter now.
I came home from church and hit my knees again.
And again before bed.
In the Mother's Lounge, I had to admit to my Father in Heaven that I didn't want to let go of my pride. I wanted to be hurt. I wanted to wear the Martyr Badge.
But I didn't WANT to want to, you know?
I told Him that, and He listened. I asked Him to bear this with me, to take the sting away. I conversed with my Father in Heaven, and by the end of the day, I was content again.
My questions were resolved.
My prayers were answered.
Oftentimes, I rely too much on outside sources to "help" me through when I've been triggered. I'll go to the forum and vent, rationalizing that I need to "analyze my thoughts and get them sorted" before I go to Him in prayer.
Or I'll phone a recovery friend and seek the all-satisfying validation I love so much.
Yesterday I skipped all that and went straight to the source. It was easier, less painful, and felt much better.
My burden was lightened.
I don't feel like a victim today.
I'm still hurting, but I've burned my Martyr Badge in an imaginary recovery fire. Today will be a day of more prayers, probably a few more tears as I pick myself up, and a whole heckuvva lot of gratitude.
This is my cup for now.
There are many ways to drink it up.
The manner in which I drink it up will be a mark on my character for eternity. It has the potential to wreak havoc on my progression or teach me qualities that will last beyond the grave- the Take It With You kind.
Knowing all of this:
How will I drink my cup today?