Monday, January 7, 2013

The Three-Headed Man and the Two-Faced Woman

Apparently, we are our own circus side-show.
My husband ready my blog two nights ago. I've always told him he's more than welcome to read it, but I strongly discouraged it. He understands my need to have a safe place to write, and he agreed that his reading it wouldn't benefit anyone.
Curiosity killed the cat.

And the next morning, after he'd been up almost half the night tossing and turning, he asked me if I wanted to stay married.
Of course I want to stay married.
He said reading my blog was like seeing another side of me -like I had two faces. It didn't sit well with him, and he said that if he was expected to be 100% honest, the least I could do was be honest as well.

For years, I wasn't honest. I didn't even realize I wasn't being honest. When he came to me with a confession of a slip or relapse, I would hold him and tell him I loved him and say things like, "WE can do this!" Inside -all the while -I was screaming. I was angry. I was devastated. But I didn't let on... until I hit rock bottom.

 At that point, it was a free for all. I was hopeless. I stopped saying, "WE can do this" and started saying, "You better do this." I started letting my emotions show, and our marriage had a rough go of it for a long time.

I feel like I am being honest now. I also feel like I definitely need a safe place to write, to sort, to let loose. This is my place to write about the part of my husband that is addicted.
This is my safe place to write about living with addicted person.
This is where I let loose.

As I've said many times before, my husband's addiction IS NOT my husband. I also live with a great, loyal man. He loves our children. He's nuts about me. He works hard to provide so I can stay home with our kids. We laugh together, cry together, dance together, sleep together, play together, vacation together, watch movies together, discuss everything together, hate money together, learn together, grow together, and attend the temple together.

He's my best friend. He's my favorite.
Especially since I officially divorced the part of him that is addicted to pornography.
I guess you could say this is my divorce blog? Ha. I do write publicly about the other parts of my husband (the other two heads) on our family blog.
"You should be reading that instead," I said. He agreed.

But it's his choice.
This is my ugly face. My healthier face blogs on a different site -a non-porny site. I've never thought of myself as two-faced before, but I am. Aren't we all, to some extent? And thank goodness! Because who wants to go out to dinner with another couple and talk about the heavy issues going on behind the scenes? There's a time and a place for it.
For me, it's here. It's support group. It's online meetings. In the meantime, keep a prayer in your heart for my husband. He's feeling assaulted, I think. He sought the attack out, I'll give him that. But he could benefit from a few extra prayers on his behalf.

He's a fighter, but he's tired right now.
To answer his question: I do NOT want to stay married to the part of him that is addicted.  But the rest of him?  Oh, boy.  Just you try and tear me away...


  1. My husband felt similarly after reading what I call "my porn blog." He didn't tell me for days, just read and felt hurt and festered with resentment. When I finally found out, he told me, "Now I see what you REALLY feel about me." But it's true. It's only one very negative facet of our husband's and our lives. But one we have to figure out how to deal with. Because it's ugly and crappy.

    I like your analogy about YOU (or me) being two faced as well. I'd never thought about that before. Thanks!

    1. Yes, yes. After having a few days to think it over, I talked with him again. I just told him that I don't love *this* part of him and I didn't want to be with *this* part of him. To which he replied, "I like that part of me to die. Seriously."
      I feel for him. He is trying. I think he's been trying, in his own way, for the better part of his life.

  2. My husband and I have had some candid conversations lately, and your post hit the nail on the head. I totally want to stay married to my husband, but the addiction I am done with. Thankyou for this post. I have offered up a prayer for your husband, my husband isn't aware yet that I have a blog, for the same reason :)

    1. My husband actually reads a few of the recovery blogs that the men write. I comment on those blogs occasionally, so I knew he'd find my blog. I figured I'd tell him about it right from the start. I don't think he'll be reading it again anytime soon :)

      I can't find a link to your blog though! What is it? I'd love to check it out.

    2. That is a fabulous question. It appears I lost my link.... I thought it showed up under my profile, but I can't find it! It should be

  3. I'm getting awesome insights into the mind of the spouses. I'm sure that my wife has felt most of the things that are blogged about, at one time or another. If I had to hear it straight from her, I'm sure it would be harder! I will also pray for your husband.

    1. I feel the same way when I read the blogs the men write -like I'm getting insights into my own husband's mind. It's enlightening -really.

  4. Just like Michelle, Pete asks me the same things when he reads my blog. "Is THAT how you really feel? I had no idea." I am sure it's hard to read. It's honest, but it is just a representation of one facet of our lives.

    1. Thank goodness it isn't a representation of our ENTIRE lives... that would be awful! I'm so grateful for our safe places where we can air out our drama side.