Telling him what I was doing was one of the hardest things I've ever done. My addiction to codependency had a strong pull (what addiction doesn't have a strong pull?), and going to my husband to TELL him what I had decided to do even though I knew it would make him uncomfortable was hard.
I'd spent years avoiding things that made him uncomfortable, even if they made me uncomfortable.
I couldn't look him in the eyes when I said it, "I'm leaving for a few days. Alone. I'll need money for a room and food. I won't be calling or texting..."
The look in his eyes cut me to the core. He felt abandoned and alone. Forsaken.
But I left anyway.
I spent two days in an upstairs room of a Bed and Breakfast. I went to a temple session to start my weekend off, and then I went to my room. I cried in my room. I prayed in my room. I wrote pages and pages and pages. I meditated. I took deep breaths. I napped.
I cried angrily out to my Father in Heaven.
I had never cried out in anger to anyone before -not since childhood when I lived with three older
And before going home, I attended one more Temple session -my heart full of questions and confusion.
I reached out to my Heavenly Father in prayer, asking him how HE did it.
"How do you handle it all? How can you watch so many of us -so many of your well-loved children stray? Disobey? Cry out in anger toward you? You are the perfect parent -You understand love perfectly. How is it done? What would Thou have me do?"
And my answer was found in the story of Adam and Eve.
Father loved Adam and Eve -they were his special children. He loved them and wanted what was best for them.
He provided them with a home -a lovely home, a home above any other. It was beyond beautiful. He spoke with them -He was in their presence. He taught them and instructed them. More specifically: he instructed them not to eat the fruit from a certain tree.
But no matter what: He made it clear that he would respect their free agency.
Adam and Eve chose to eat the fruit.
When He was made aware of what had transpired, Heavenly Father didn't yell. He didn't raise his voice in anger, He didn't try to manipulate them, He didn't cry, and He didn't shower them in a blanketing guilt trip.
What DID He do?
He let them feel the natural consequences of their actions.
"But HOW?" I asked Him. "HOW were you able to do that?"
The answer came in the form of a voice... and the words that were uttered in that temple on that day will forever be etched into my mind.
"I had a plan... and the plan is beautiful."
Tears spring to my eyes at the very recollection of this tender mercy. I left the temple that day, and I began to form my own plan. It's been a work in progress -a trial and error based plan.
But it is working. My boundaries keep me safe from indulging in my addiction to my husband's addiction.
My plan isn't perfect.
But I have a plan.
And it is beautiful.