via legnanekorb.blogspot.comAwhile back, I read a post on Andrew's Rowboat and Marbles blog that was a game-changer for me.
I can't find it to link up to it, but in the post, Andrew explains how people with addictions have broken brains.
It really hit home with me.
Up to that point, I'd been grossly judgmental toward my husband. And I honestly assumed that he just wasn't as good as me.
Ugh -it's so painful to be 100% honest. It's hard to type things like "he just wasn't as good as me."
I don't feel that way anymore. I feel terrible that I ever felt that way, believed those words... like I hadn't ever done anything AS BAD as pornography addiction.
It still hurts me, and reading Andrew's post didn't suddenly give me a heart of resilient steel.
But it suddenly gave me a heart of understanding, and it set me on a new path, a new journey... I'm forever grateful.
Lately, I've been battling some weird issues related to what I THOUGHT was my husband's addiction.
But this morning, something dawned on me. I'm not having issues because my husband has an addiction. I'm having issues because I have an addiction TO HIS addiction.
MY brain is broken... not just his.
I have a concrete mound of "truths" in my head that are all lies. I've been whittling away at the mound for two years, but it still stands. It took 6 years to build. As disheartening as it feels to say it: I believe it will take about that long to heal.
Today will be full of pen-to-paper writing and knee-to-carpet praying.
The kind of brain surgery I require can only be trusted to the Master Surgeon.