via legnanekorb.blogspot.com
Awhile back, I read a post on Andrew's Rowboat and Marbles blog that was a game-changer for me.I can't find it to link up to it, but in the post, Andrew explains how people with addictions have broken brains.
It really hit home with me.
Up to that point, I'd been grossly judgmental toward my husband. And I honestly assumed that he just wasn't as good as me.
Ugh -it's so painful to be 100% honest. It's hard to type things like "he just wasn't as good as me."
I don't feel that way anymore. I feel terrible that I ever felt that way, believed those words... like I hadn't ever done anything AS BAD as pornography addiction.
It still hurts me, and reading Andrew's post didn't suddenly give me a heart of resilient steel.
But it suddenly gave me a heart of understanding, and it set me on a new path, a new journey... I'm forever grateful.
Lately, I've been battling some weird issues related to what I THOUGHT was my husband's addiction.
But this morning, something dawned on me. I'm not having issues because my husband has an addiction. I'm having issues because I have an addiction TO HIS addiction.
MY brain is broken... not just his.
I have a concrete mound of "truths" in my head that are all lies. I've been whittling away at the mound for two years, but it still stands. It took 6 years to build. As disheartening as it feels to say it: I believe it will take about that long to heal.
Today will be full of pen-to-paper writing and knee-to-carpet praying.
The kind of brain surgery I require can only be trusted to the Master Surgeon.
G and I have started therapy together and my number one learning is how this is a anxiety issue, not a righteousness issue. It helps to understand the core issue, not just the outward appearance.
ReplyDeleteLearning that righteousness had nothing to do with it was a huge realization for me -one I wish I'd had much earlier, but even if I had: who is to say I would have been ready to hear and accept it? I was so happy to be a victim.
DeleteThose were dark days.
I'm so grateful for all of you and everything I'm being taught.
Thanks Alicia! I have s broken brain, too! It's a daily battle not to control. Sometimes I feel like I can't even talk to him without saying something controlling.
ReplyDeleteI decided today I am not sharing my recovery any more with him, until he gets into real recovery. He takes offense to everything I say.
He attends the weekly meeting and reads scriptures and prays, but doesn't want share. I heard when they are in real recovery, you can't get them to stop talking about recovery. Sorry tor the vent! Just realized I did that on a few other posts. I have PMS!!
Isn't it funny how we hold onto control? Even with all we've gone through both addiction-related and otherwise, we still like to think we have some control. I'm the same way.
DeleteSilly humans :)
Just want to say how amazed I am at you wives' posts. So insightful. I'm such in awe. You guys always seem to apply everything to a personal learning experience.
ReplyDeleteThese addictions have nothing to do with sex really. Or anything physical. It is all in our hearts and the deep recesses of the mind. However, if you ever read "he restoreth my soul" you learn that the brain does PHYSICALLY alter. It is a real disease. but it can heal. All aspects of the human mind and body can heal.
Well done. And thanks for your words. It gives me hope.
You have every reason to have hope -and we do apply everything to us personally because we've all learned we have no control anywhere else!
DeleteIt's a hard lesson, but I'm so grateful for it.
The 12-steps are like that. They're hard, but we're all so grateful :)