Friday, January 31, 2014

What I Need

As I read Harriet's post the other day, I started thinking about my own path... my What I Need For Recovery.

It's different for everyone because WE are different.  I was raised by a mother who had severe brain trauma she was recovering from and a workaholic father... both VERY good people.  Both Salt of the Earth kind of people.
Not everyone had my parents.  In fact, only 5 other people in the entire world do.  Even then, they all handle things differently than I do.  And everyone's ways are okay.  Everyone's path is okay.

My husband's path is okay.
My path is okay.
Even if they don't intersect as much as I'd like or as much as he'd like... they're okay.

My path involves four keys -here they are in no particular order:

1) Education on addiction and trauma. This means I study and read what feels right in my gut.  If I see an article online that addresses addiction, I look at the headline and wait for my gut to tell me if it's for me or not.  I read books.  I feed my brain truth

2) Spiritual Healing -I meet with my Bishop every two weeks and he asks me hard questions like, "Are you reading your scriptures?"  His guidance and inspiration gives me a sense of balance in everything.  Bishop aside, I'm learning to apply the Atonement.  The Atonement has been life-changing for me.

3) Physical Healing -Counseling, Yoga, Detox Baths, Good Music, Essential Oils... you get the picture.

4) Working the 12-Steps with a sponsor.

The 12-steps are vital for me because I DO have issues.  I have a lot of deep-rooted problems stemming from my childhood, my thought processes, belief systems, and my character weaknesses.  I had them before I met Danny.
When I was engaged to Danny, he told me he had a problem with pornography.  There were red-flag behaviors that I dismissed.
Because I believed I could fix it.
I believed I could change him.
I believed I would be enough to completely save him.
I believed I was the Savior, and as such had no need of the Only True Living Savior.

Before any of the trauma really hit me, ALREADY I was fixing him.  Already, I put myself higher than him and his sins.  Already, I was co-dependent and never once really dependent on God.  I relied wholly on my own mind and abilities, controlling absolutely everything I could with Google and my hard-earned country muscles.  My own mind was enough for me.  (Oh, to be 18 again.  What a laugh.)

I had grown up believing I was a bother to God -and anyway, I could deal with my little problems myself.  They were mine, and it was irresponsible to ask anyone else (including God) to handle them.

Proud, tough, strong... so young.

The 12-steps gradually opened an entirely new world for me -one that teaches me that I'm mortal and in need of an atoning sacrifice, in which I can find

Humility, Compassion, and Meekness...

When I surrender my tough mortal mind and heart to God, he hands me strength beyond anything earthly.  It's HIS strength.

So yes, I'm codependent.
And yes, I have issues that need addressing through therapy and 12-step work.
Yes, I've been traumatized.
Yes, I'm physically ill as well.

And no.  I will not give up the fight, no matter how much it burns, no matter the consequences that come from facing this Self in the mirror, no matter the voices of fear and doubt and despair.

I have my God.
I have my support.
I have what it takes.

I don't know what anyone else needs, but I know what I need.  I know my own faulty belief system and patterns.

I'm even beginning to know myself, which is the greatest blessing above all... there is true beauty not in spite of my flaws, but IN them. 


  1. You do have what it takes. You are incredible.

  2. You are full of beauty and I'm so thankful for the light you share!

  3. I love this. I love that there are so many options and paths so that we can each find what works for us, individually. And I love it when someone is self aware enough to say, "my path doesn't have to be your path. It only has to work for me." Awesome! Can't wait to see you in April!

  4. It's so empowering to finally know what you need to fill the void after wading through murkiness searching for something to cling onto. You are a light in the darkness for many of us. Thank you for sharing.