Thursday, January 9, 2014

Detaching From Detaching

I detached from my husband a lot over the years.

He wasn't safe, our marriage wasn't safe, a situation wasn't safe... so I'd detach and lay a brick down.  A few days later, I'd step over the brick and back into my relationship with my husband.  And then he'd go into addict mode, and I'd detach and lay a brick down.

It was a comfortable pattern.  My wall grew thick and strong.  It got to the point where if I wanted to step over it and get back into our relationship, I had to REALLY try hard.  And I would try hard, and then I would get hurt.  So I would catapult myself over the wall and add 90 million bricks, covered in "Alicia How Could You Be So STUPID?!?" tears.

Behind my wall was a wonderful world filled with everything I loved and had forgotten: my crochet hooks, my empty grid-paper journal, my hunger to learn and do more!
I dumped myself into that world and discovered that -oh my HECK, I am really fun!  Vivacious, colorful, imaginative, silly, crazy, creative!
I had this moment standing there behind my wall with my arms full of kittens, crayons, and musical instruments... I wanted to share it with someone older than the age of 6.

And that someone is my husband.
Even after all the hurts, the lies, the betrayal, the MUCK... I love him and I want him in my life.

So I did something very Alicia-ish.  I took a drill and took it to the wall.  I am CRAZY with tools.  Not crazy good... just CRAZY.
I peaked through the hole and saw him standing there.

He was doing rottenly mean things, and I watched.  I didn't feel a thing.
Something inside sort of wanted me to feel, but my wall was doing her job and I felt nothing but apathy... if it's possible to actually FEEL apathetic.
I left my tiny drilled hole and went about my business, writing, playing, crafting, cooking!  I learned a few new skills, I discovered Pinterest, I worked my own recovery.
Now and then I'd return to the wall and peak out. 

Sometimes he'd come to the wall and knock.
Sometimes I'd call out to him through the hole.

Sometimes I wanted to make the hole bigger, but fear kept me from doing it.
Sometimes I filled in the hole and cried myself to sleep.

The Wall stood proudly between us always.

But then something happened... and that something is his Step 1 Inventory.

When we were first married, my husband kicked my toenail off by accident.  Except it didn't come alllll the way off.  It left a weird stubborn stub just... THERE.  That toe was such a pain in my life.  I couldn't touch it.  I couldn't bump it.  I had to really watch other people's kicks around my precious toe.  I tried nursing it, clipping it back, painting over it.  It grew back in deformed and thick.  I limped around on it for YEARS.  YEARS!  Until one sweet day when I was dancing with my husband last year... and he finally kicked if off FOR GOOD.  It hurt like mad for a few weeks, and today I have a wonderful new toe nail and no pain.
The nail has been taken off for good.

It's uncanny how that toe mirrors my marriage.  The Step 1 Inventory finally ripped the deformed marriage OUT of it's place.

I kept myself safe from my deformed marriage because I had a wall, but as I found myself... as I came to know that I AM A LITERAL DAUGHTER OF GOD, My Father, King, Savior, Ruler and Prince of Peace... I became strong!  I became confident and sure.  And I became comfidentally SURE that I didn't want a deformed marriage anymore.

With my wall in place, I had separated from my marriage.  By abusing me, my husband had ceased to really BE a husband.  Our children were unfortunate floaters in the mess of it all, running around with boots on the wrong feet and ketchup on their faces -seemingly oblivious.

And suddenly, I was through being through with my marriage.

If my husband looked at porn, I WANTED to feel the pain and the hurt.  I AM HIS WIFE, for crying out loud.  It SHOULD hurt!  I wanted to feel the anguish that comes from rejection, the heart break of NO INTIMATE CONNECTION.  I wanted to let the emotions rise up and out and through and around, and I wanted to tell my husband how I felt.  I wanted to be SEEN for the first time in my marriage -truly seen for who I am (a daughter) and what I love (creating).

I did not want a wall to keep me safe from my own husband.

 So I used my tools and I tore the wall down, and there I stood... vulnerable and wincing and ready to go on a few dates with my husband.

I want him to need me for who I am and what I can do as a woman and as an Alicia.
I want to need him for who he is and what he can do (dishes) (just kidding) (but seriously).

I'm ready to detach from detaching and embrace my new pattern of recovery which I like to call...

Vulnerable, Honest, Living complete with the Surrender Process.

And while I'm settling into a very hard, messy place, I will say this: I love it in the same way I love pushing my physical body to health.  It's hard but there's a purpose for it.

But somehow no matter how I live whether behind a wall with A Few of My Favorite Things or in front of a wall with ALL of My Favorite Things, the kids still have their boots on the wrong feet.
I take comfort in their constancy. 

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