Saturday, January 11, 2014

An Inside Job

Years ago in a fit of anger, I accused my husband of loving himself more than me and more than God.  It was wrong of me, but I was hurting so much... it was the only explanation I could come up with for why he rejected me.
Because I wasn't loveable enough to him.

Yesterday I stayed home from work with a sick son.  I had the entire day to STAY HOME.  It was like old times!  I could all of the things I'd been wanting to do but had been too tired! 
So you know what I did?  I crocheted on the couch.

I didn't clean.  I didn't work out.  I didn't dive into any great projects.  I just made hot pads.

One month ago (almost exactly) my husband read his disclosure, and at that time my favorite pair of pants fits wonderfully.  One little month later, I tired to slide them on and it was a BATTLE.  I'm gaining weight, my house is embarrassing.  One toilet is broken and I haven't bothered fixing it. 

I feel like a very fragile person, easily overwhelmed.

As I sat on the couch and looked around my dirty house, I tried to figure out why I wasn't cleaning it. 

The solid truth is: I deserve clean surroundings.  I deserve to have a working toilet in the bathroom.  I deserve new bath towels that aren't frayed.  I deserve fresh air, yoga, and freshly cut flowers on my table.  I deserve good filling food, and I deserve to fit into my favorite pants.

What is holding me back from giving myself these deserved circumstances? 
The answer is awful, guys... I don't love myself enough.  I just don't.  Not right now.  Not today.

Right now I'm gaining weight, I'm tired.  I really am "living one day at at time," just trying to make it to my bed each night. 

And while I know deep down that I deserve better than I'm giving myself, I still find myself overwhelmed at the prospect of proper self-care.
I'm hurting so much right now, going through so many raw ans awful emotions, experiencing powerful triggers -more powerful than I've ever grappled with -and honestly, proper self care would be a full time job right now.  At least 8 hours a day of cooking good food, going for walks, writing, creating!

But I have three kids and a part time job. 

And this is all crappy right now. 

I'm glad I can see reality, see what it is I'm really dealing with, but this is just really crappy.  I don't want to go back to knowing less.  I definitely want to move forward.

And today my prayer is simply, "help me love myself enough to give myself the simple things I deserve."

Coming to grips with the fact that I've had to earn love in my marriage has been harrowing.  I don't want to earn it, I want to just HAVE it.  I want simply to BE LOVED because I'm Alicia.
And it starts right here.  I don't have to earn love for myself.  I can just love me because I'm me.

I think it's called An Inside Job.
Those are hard.


  1. This is powerful, and you have such deep insight. Thanks.

    You can do it! I'm cheering you on, lady!

  2. If you ask me, your hubs should be cleaning and fixing the toilet and stepping it UP since he's the one who put you in this sich.

    1. Ah! I should have mentioned that he has been working on it! I'm just so afraid of rejection and failure that seeing I didn't love myself enough to do it for myself was awfully eye opening. But update: he did fix the toilet and has offered to pay for housekeeping (since he knows I prefer women to men when it comes to cleaning -they just *get* it!). But he does clean too! I seriously should have added that. Oops!

  3. I spent last week almost identical to this! My daughter was sick and I spent the week looking around at the environment I live in post-addiction-discovery. Thank you for this. I can so relate!