Years ago in a fit of anger, I accused my husband of loving himself more than me and more than God. It was wrong of me, but I was hurting so much... it was the only explanation I could come up with for why he rejected me.
Because I wasn't loveable enough to him.
Yesterday I stayed home from work with a sick son. I had the entire day to STAY HOME. It was like old times! I could all of the things I'd been wanting to do but had been too tired!
So you know what I did? I crocheted on the couch.
I didn't clean. I didn't work out. I didn't dive into any great projects. I just made hot pads.
One month ago (almost exactly) my husband read his disclosure, and at that time my favorite pair of pants fits wonderfully. One little month later, I tired to slide them on and it was a BATTLE. I'm gaining weight, my house is embarrassing. One toilet is broken and I haven't bothered fixing it.
I feel like a very fragile person, easily overwhelmed.
As I sat on the couch and looked around my dirty house, I tried to figure out why I wasn't cleaning it.
The solid truth is: I deserve clean surroundings. I deserve to have a working toilet in the bathroom. I deserve new bath towels that aren't frayed. I deserve fresh air, yoga, and freshly cut flowers on my table. I deserve good filling food, and I deserve to fit into my favorite pants.
What is holding me back from giving myself these deserved circumstances?
The answer is awful, guys... I don't love myself enough. I just don't. Not right now. Not today.
Right now I'm gaining weight, I'm tired. I really am "living one day at at time," just trying to make it to my bed each night.
And while I know deep down that I deserve better than I'm giving myself, I still find myself overwhelmed at the prospect of proper self-care.
I'm hurting so much right now, going through so many raw ans awful emotions, experiencing powerful triggers -more powerful than I've ever grappled with -and honestly, proper self care would be a full time job right now. At least 8 hours a day of cooking good food, going for walks, writing, creating!
But I have three kids and a part time job.
And this is all crappy right now.
I'm glad I can see reality, see what it is I'm really dealing with, but this is just really crappy. I don't want to go back to knowing less. I definitely want to move forward.
And today my prayer is simply, "help me love myself enough to give myself the simple things I deserve."
Coming to grips with the fact that I've had to earn love in my marriage has been harrowing. I don't want to earn it, I want to just HAVE it. I want simply to BE LOVED because I'm Alicia.
And it starts right here. I don't have to earn love for myself. I can just love me because I'm me.
I think it's called An Inside Job.
Those are hard.