An Inside Job

Years ago in a fit of anger, I accused my husband of loving himself more than me and more than God.  It was wrong of me, but I was hurting so much... it was the only explanation I could come up with for why he rejected me.
Because I wasn't loveable enough to him.

Yesterday I stayed home from work with a sick son.  I had the entire day to STAY HOME.  It was like old times!  I could all of the things I'd been wanting to do but had been too tired! 
So you know what I did?  I crocheted on the couch.

I didn't clean.  I didn't work out.  I didn't dive into any great projects.  I just made hot pads.

One month ago (almost exactly) my husband read his disclosure, and at that time my favorite pair of pants fits wonderfully.  One little month later, I tired to slide them on and it was a BATTLE.  I'm gaining weight, my house is embarrassing.  One toilet is broken and I haven't bothered fixing it. 

I feel like a very fragile person, easily overwhelmed.

As I sat on the couch and looked around my dirty house, I tried to figure out why I wasn't cleaning it. 

The solid truth is: I deserve clean surroundings.  I deserve to have a working toilet in the bathroom.  I deserve new bath towels that aren't frayed.  I deserve fresh air, yoga, and freshly cut flowers on my table.  I deserve good filling food, and I deserve to fit into my favorite pants.

What is holding me back from giving myself these deserved circumstances? 
The answer is awful, guys... I don't love myself enough.  I just don't.  Not right now.  Not today.

Right now I'm gaining weight, I'm tired.  I really am "living one day at at time," just trying to make it to my bed each night. 

And while I know deep down that I deserve better than I'm giving myself, I still find myself overwhelmed at the prospect of proper self-care.
I'm hurting so much right now, going through so many raw ans awful emotions, experiencing powerful triggers -more powerful than I've ever grappled with -and honestly, proper self care would be a full time job right now.  At least 8 hours a day of cooking good food, going for walks, writing, creating!

But I have three kids and a part time job. 

And this is all crappy right now. 

I'm glad I can see reality, see what it is I'm really dealing with, but this is just really crappy.  I don't want to go back to knowing less.  I definitely want to move forward.

And today my prayer is simply, "help me love myself enough to give myself the simple things I deserve."

Coming to grips with the fact that I've had to earn love in my marriage has been harrowing.  I don't want to earn it, I want to just HAVE it.  I want simply to BE LOVED because I'm Alicia.
And it starts right here.  I don't have to earn love for myself.  I can just love me because I'm me.

I think it's called An Inside Job.
Those are hard.