Wives of Porn Addicts are not all created equal.
Each situation is different, each woman unique. There are common threads, but in the end we all find our own, individual way.
But I am a little bothered by one common thread, guys. It keeps popping up here and there... as I spoke with my sponsor about it, she said something I will never forget.
"This addiction kills women."
"Women" meaning "wives."
She wasn't being dramatic or exaggerating. She wasn't kidding. She was being straight and honest and encouraging me to TAKE CARE OF MY PHYSICAL BODY.
The addiction changes the brains of the addicts and makes the loved ones physically ill.
When I hit my rock bottom, I weighed 152 which is what I weighed before I got pregnant with my first child.
ONE YEAR LATER, I weighed 162.
One year after that, I finally started working out again. And then I got pregnant. Today I top the scales around 170 something.
I'm 5'8" which helps. I have places to carry the weight.
I could deal with the weight, honestly (even if my daughter keeps poking my belly and asking about the baby inside, of which there IS NONE). But there's so many other debilitating issues that I've been ignoring for years.
I hurt. I hurt everywhere. My joints ache, I'm weak, I bloat easily. I have to work really hard to simply make it through the day. I'm tired. I've begun getting migraine headaches out of nowhere.
It seems wildly unfair to endure so much stress, heartache and pain AND HAVE TO WORK OUT AND EAT CELERY.
I get triggered when I work out because of body image issues that have stemmed from this addiction.
I get triggered when my husband makes innocent comments about eating healthy.
This is all so stupid, guys. It's stupid and hard and the only thing that makes it better is chocolate.
That isn't true. The only thing that makes it better is the Savior, but I'm sabotaging my body with chocolate, trying to convince myself that I'm independent... that I can medicate myself thankyouverymuch.
"A false sense of independence" as one of our valiant apostles recently said (can't remember which one).
Part of me doesn't want to be fully thin because I'm afraid it will trigger me. The rolls are real. They keep me safe from being lusted after. If I keep a few rolls, he will love me only for who I am, right?
I know I said this already, but this is ALL SO STUPID.
I just want to know... if you're a wife, have you been physically affected by the addiction? Are you sick?
My sponsor sent out a plea to me, "Please take care of yourself." And I want to, but it's overwhelming. I'm scared. I don't feel like I can FULLY DO IT. There's fight in me for other stuff, but when it comes to my body, I'm terrified to take it on. It's so broken. It's hurting.
After my husband read his step one inventory to me, I lied face down on a massage table and I CRIED. I sobbed. She stopped massaging me long enough to poke a tissue in my hand. I imagine it wasn't her first rodeo with a crying client on her table.
"Alicia," she said to me, "It's gotten to the point that you don't have any choice but to take care of yourself now. Your body is breaking down under the stress."
I'm angry because I feel like it isn't my fault. I want to blame my husband for my weight gain, my aching joints, my hurting, my migraines, my job, my dirty house that is swallowing me WHOLE.
But there's a very brave girl underneath my desire to blame, and she'll pop up soon. Right now, the best I can do is pray and try and surrender all of this to God.