Monday, January 6, 2014


Wives of Porn Addicts are not all created equal.

Each situation is different, each woman unique.  There are common threads, but in the end we all find our own, individual way. 

But I am a little bothered by one common thread, guys.  It keeps popping up here and there... as I spoke with my sponsor about it, she said something I will never forget.
"This addiction kills women."
"Women" meaning "wives." 

She wasn't being dramatic or exaggerating.  She wasn't kidding.  She was being straight and honest and encouraging me to TAKE CARE OF MY PHYSICAL BODY.

The addiction changes the brains of the addicts and makes the loved ones physically ill.
When I hit my rock bottom, I weighed 152 which is what I weighed before I got pregnant with my first child.
ONE YEAR LATER, I weighed 162.
One year after that, I finally started working out again.  And then I got pregnant.  Today I top the scales around 170 something.
I'm 5'8" which helps.  I have places to carry the weight.

I could deal with the weight, honestly (even if my daughter keeps poking my belly and asking about the baby inside, of which there IS NONE).  But there's so many other debilitating issues that I've been ignoring for years.

I hurt.  I hurt everywhere.  My joints ache, I'm weak, I bloat easily.  I have to work really hard to simply make it through the day.  I'm tired.  I've begun getting migraine headaches out of nowhere. 

It seems wildly unfair to endure so much stress, heartache and pain AND HAVE TO WORK OUT AND EAT CELERY.

I get triggered when I work out because of body image issues that have stemmed from this addiction.
I get triggered when my husband makes innocent comments about eating healthy.

This is all so stupid, guys.  It's stupid and hard and the only thing that makes it better is chocolate.

That isn't true.  The only thing that makes it better is the Savior, but I'm sabotaging my body with chocolate, trying to convince myself that I'm independent... that I can medicate myself thankyouverymuch.
"A false sense of independence" as one of our valiant apostles recently said (can't remember which one).

Part of me doesn't want to be fully thin because I'm afraid it will trigger me.  The rolls are real.  They keep me safe from being lusted after.  If I keep a few rolls, he will love me only for who I am, right?

I know I said this already, but this is ALL SO STUPID.

I just want to know... if you're a wife, have you been physically affected by the addiction?  Are you sick?

My sponsor sent out a plea to me, "Please take care of yourself."  And I want to, but it's overwhelming.  I'm scared.  I don't feel like I can FULLY DO IT.  There's fight in me for other stuff, but when it comes to my body, I'm terrified to take it on.  It's so broken.  It's hurting. 

After my husband read his step one inventory to me, I lied face down on a massage table and I CRIED.  I sobbed.  She stopped massaging me long enough to poke a tissue in my hand.  I imagine it wasn't her first rodeo with a crying client on her table.
"Alicia," she said to me, "It's gotten to the point that you don't have any choice but to take care of yourself now.  Your body is breaking down under the stress."

I'm angry because I feel like it isn't my fault.  I want to blame my husband for my weight gain, my aching joints, my hurting, my migraines, my job, my dirty house that is swallowing me WHOLE.

But there's a very brave girl underneath my desire to blame, and she'll pop up soon.  Right now, the best I can do is pray and try and surrender all of this to God.


  1. Yes. 12 years into marriage I developed rhumitoid arthritis, caught my husband 1 year later. I had known something was wrong but always thought it must be me. After discovery, depression nearly killed me. So yes, my health has become a priority, mentally more than physically at this point, but the physical is getting out of control... so. .. at some point I assume I'll acknowledge it's really a problem, I'm giving myself a pass for now.

    1. I'm aching for you. Literally! My joints hurt! I love the way you talk about mental health and how important it is -It makes me want to reread President Holland's talk in conference.
      Hugs to you and your body!

  2. I feel the same way, I am no long with my ex husband. I want to loose weight but I am scared, I don't want to marry someone that only lust after my body. I am scared to be skinny and in shape. What if I get skinny, get married, have a baby and get fat again, will my new husband love me? or will he make the same comments that my ex did. This is a hard journey to be on.

    1. Thank you for being so honest with your fears -they are REAL! Fear is so powerful.

  3. I am about 18 lbs. above what I should weigh (where I was 2 years ago, 6 months after having a baby). I have been actively dealing with this for 16 months now (as opposed to the 13 years where I knew about his "problem"). I am the heaviest I have ever been, not counting pregnancy.

    My mind feels sluggish most of the time. I am always tired.

    1. I RELATE! I hate that we're going through this, but all of the comments on this thread kind of make me realize what a big issue this is. What can be done? Agh!!

  4. oh my, you made me cry. I was nauseas for months after D-day. It sucked. I lost weight and I have none to lose. My only choice was exercise- muscle. And I went through that same mental process- if I get in shape will he, or anyone else, only love me for my body?

    And they might. He might. But God won't and I don't have to either. I can exercise because it makes me FEEL better. I used to have goals and keep track of what and when I exercise. I don't anymore. I work out for me. For my heart. My lungs. My soul. If he lusts, that is on him. My body is mine. Mine to love, mine to take care of. It is mine to carry me through my darkest times. It is one of His greatest gifts to me.

    Love you lady. Beautifully said.

    1. Love your second paragraph. It's beautiful. I love that you shifted to a place where your physical health comes from a place of self love.

  5. This is exactly what I needed to read tonight. Thank you.

  6. to anwer.. i do feel the stress and anxiety from his addiction. Luckily I can't point out any major physcal things. I'm one that takes excersise and whatever as healing process.. and also honestly, to kinda get my anger out. Like... I'm gonna show you whose stronger.. I dunno how that works. I just do it for me.. and only me.
    But I def use chocolate as a coping too.
    I can relate to your words of my inner self wanted to be brave and strong and stop blaming him for the wrong things in my life. though it may not by physical there are other areas i struggle. its like give and take with these things. bleghk.
    i went through years of not truly loving my body... and it was a perfectly good body! but his addiction and actings out had my self worth blown out of the water.
    These past few years I have gained back that self worth. my value. I love myself. inside and out.. and he can suck it (sometimes) ;)

    I love what Harriet said in the previous comment.
    "My body is mine. Mine to love, mine to take care of. It is mine to carry me through my darkest times. It is on of His greatest gifts to me."
    i love love love that.
    Girl.. you are strong beautiful and a daughter of God.
    It's time for you to take care of yourself. And whatever that may mean for you is just perfect.

    1. I actually stand in front of the mirror sometimes and just SAY IT OUT LOUD... I love myself. My body needs to hear it! You are awesome. I love that I can hear your confidence through your words :) beautiful!

  7. Yes, absolutely. Every aspect of my life -physical, emotional, mental, social and spiritual has been impacted and damaged because of this. I definitely notice physical trauma, especially when new discoveries are made. It is really hard. You are definitely not alone in this!

    1. Yes, it's crazy how it damages us. Like second hand smoke!

  8. Oh, Alicia. Thank you so much for writing this.

    I have so many physical issues. I've always been injury-prone, but not like my body is now. I've only recently started realizing that it's stress and trauma-induced.

    I have a horrible back. Backaches everywhere: upper, middle, lower. Shoulders. Upper buttocks. It's horrible. Then there are my foot issues. And my stomach pains. And my headaches. And my insomnia. And my lightheadedness.

    I also weigh more than I have in 5 years (which isn't necessarily a bad thing. At one point I looked like I could break because of all the stress).

    Sigh. I'm glad we're not alone. I'm working on taking care of my body better too.

    1. Oh, can I just HUG YOU!?!?!?!?! I think we both need massages!

  9. I have SO started to try to change my attitude towards my body. Usually, I work out and eat "rightish" because I hate my stupid body and want to change it. But lately I have tried to change it from the inside out, instead of just the inside. For example, I go to spinning so I can ride bikes with my kids, not to be skinny. I have my green smoothie to be healthy and give my body what it needs. So I can FEEL better, mentally. Not so I can look better. I find with my motivation changed like this, it has become easier to take care of myself. I still have "why did I make cinnamon rolls if I'm just going to eat 4 of them in one day" days. But the shift in my mind set is gradually working....

    1. Camilla, YES! I love shifting from a place of working out because of fear and hate to going to a place where I take care of myself out of love. And can I please have a cinnamon roll next time? You're the best.

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  11. I've lost weight when i have none to lose also... to the point that I have to supplement my nursing baby with formula because I'm just not making enough. My ped actually told me, "you can just blame it in your husband" ( she knows we're separated and its his fault). Eating is really an issue for me, stress keeps me FROM eating. But, exercizing is very different. I do yoga since attending the togetherness project. My goal is 3 x's each week. During exercise I actually say to my body "thank you for showing up to serve me each day" and then I thank God for giving me this body and Spirit as well. Sometimes I will list all the things my body has helped me to do, the care of my kids, my most important role, clean the house, run the race etc... I hope you can learn to love your self Alicia. You are so beautiful inside and out, but only God can show you your worth in a way that is lasting and eternal, and once received, no one can ever take that knowledge away.

    1. It's incredible how much our bodies suffer! My milk production has always been low. I love how you outwardly thank your body -giving gratitude! Learning to love and appreciate myself is such a journey. Sometimes I do well, and then I swing to unhealthy thought patterns.
      But thank you -and thank you for your words!!!!!!

    2. and for your truth -the truth that no one can take knowledge away. LOVE that.