Friday, March 29, 2013

And That's Okay

My marriage isn't in tip-top shape. 


There are no love notes on the mirror, no voluntary foot rubs, no giggling or gushing.
There also isn't any hatred, contempt, or name calling.

Right now, our marriage just IS.

When our marriage plateaued like this in the past, I would go into all-out FIX mode.  I couldn't STAND for our marriage to not be functioning at it's all-time BEST. 
But I don't want to fix anything anymore because I CAN'T fix anything.  No matter how much I hug, or compliment, or curl my hair or cook or put on a happy face, I can't fix.

I can smother him in kisses and love notes and spread sunshine and gush all over the atmosphere of our home, but there would be an undercurrent of frustration.  Forced sunshine just isn't as pleasurable.  Just... don't tell that to Dr. Laura.  She makes her bank on the idea...

Neither one of us feels good, health-wise.
He's got bad, bad allergies, and I've got who KNOWS what going on (test results impending).  Suffice to say: I'm really tired.  I can normally function on 5 hours of sleep, and the night before last I got in bed at 9 pm (after falling asleep on the couch at 8:30 while trying to watch "Wreck it Ralph" with the kids) and woke up at 8 am.
That's not normal for me, even WITH a brand new baby.  And what did I want all day?  A nap.

My husband is reading a lot of recovery material these days, and I don't really know what's going on.
Sometimes he's so aware.  The other night, he forced me to sit down while he cooked dinner (grilled cheese tastes SO good when someone else makes it).  Sometimes he's so unaware.
It's a tricky place to be in when you see one man and another within hours of each other.  Which one do I trust?
Neither.
I'm learning how to appreciate one without planting my hope in him.
I'm learning how to see the other for what he is rather than identifying him AS my husband.

So basically: on top of being physically spent, I'm brain dead trying to analyze it all out.
And the ending result is a plateau.

I'm strangely okay with my marriage being a mess on a plateau.

It doesn't bother me.  There's still an undercurrent of frustration, but it's faint.  I don't give it reign to rule... I only give it reign to express itself in prayer and the occasional bout of tears in the bathtub.  I can't force it down.  If it's here, it's here.  And I need to let it out, and so I do. 

BUT I'm finding an undercurrent under the undercurrent.
It's hope... hope that's been planted in the Savior and his Atoning Sacrifice.
Gentle hope rather than frantic hope.
Peaceful hope rather than panicked hope.
Hope in myself.
Hope in a stable, taken-care-of future.
Solid, safe, springtime Hope.

How timely.


7 comments:

  1. oh my gosh I hear you. Sometimes all of the figuring out and analyzing just leaves me with a head ache. My BRAIN hurts and I just need to step away and let it be for a while. Because no one can made sense of anything with a head ache. I have to heal first.

    Maybe a few weeks of 11 hour nights will do you fabulous. Maybe you weren't really doing well on 5 hours, you were just making do and it caught up with you.

    *hugs
    bring the baby over, I'll watch her and you can nap... ;)

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  2. Gentle hope rather than frantic hope.
    Peaceful hope rather than panicked hope.

    I love that! I think I've had desperate hope, and that is a scary place to be. The Savior's hope isn't desperate. It's there, and real. Gentle and peaceful. Thank-you!

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  3. I am in the same boat. Lower my expectations and living life AS IS. Oh how I can relate the sick feeling. I go to the DOC today to check things out. I am praying for you:)

    This part of your post hit me hard...

    "There's still an undercurrent of frustration, but it's faint. I don't give it reign to rule... I only give it reign to express itself in prayer and the occasional bout of tears in the bathtub. I can't force it down. If it's here, it's here. And I need to let it out, and so I do."

    The shower my friend is filled with my tears. Hugs to you!

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  4. I hope things go well at the doctor.

    Love this post and love you!

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  5. Springtime Hope... I love it! Your reference to Dr. Laura gave me a smile...I did forced sunshine for 2 years (not realizing that porn was the problem)...it was no bueno!

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  6. "I'm learning how to appreciate one without planting my hope in him.
    I'm learning how to see the other for what he is rather than identifying him AS my husband."

    LOVE this idea, and well put! Hope you get results soon and it's something you can get help on.

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  7. I like the feeling of this post that there is peace and hope in accepting where we are, or where our marriage is right now. Recovery is, after all, a process!

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