Nightmares

A few nights ago, I rented "Rise of the Guardians" through our PS3.

  

via catholicbychoice.wordpress.com

My husband bought a big package of licorice, I popped some popcorn, and we all sat under big blankets and watched the movie.

The kids loved it.  Of course they did.  It's about Santa AND the Easter Bunny AND The Tooth Fairy.  I mean, could a movie be any better?  My husband loved it because certain parts made me laugh so hard I cried, and he loves it when that happens.  I loved it because it was all about fear -about conquering fear.

Please stay with me while I tell you about it.  It's going to sound crazy, but staaaay with me.

The Boogie Man is named Pitch Black.  He wants to attack children with fear.  He sends them nightmares and tries to take joy out of their lives.

There are certain Guardians that are called on by The Man in the Moon (staaaaay with me) to protect the children.  There are four Guardians: Santa (named North), the Easter Bunny, The Tooth Fairy, and the Sandman.  Because Pitch Black has grown so strong, the Man in the Moon calls a new Guardian to assist the original four: Jack Frost.

North: Who are you, Jack Frost? What is your center?
Jack Frost: My center?
North: If Man in Moon chose you to be a Guardian, you must have something very special inside.

At this point, North illustrates his point by giving Jack Frost a Matryoshka doll of himself.  Each consecutive shell illustrates North's different character traits: powerful, jolly, mysterious... until the center doll is revealed.  In North's center is a doll that illustrates his grand sense of wonder.

  

via idontlikeitpaintitred.tumblr.com

That was my favorite scene... probably because I just wrote my inventory and had my own Matryoshka Doll experience.  I discovered what was at my center, and I'm using it to fight my own demons.
In my case: mostly fear.

The past few nights, I've been having fear-related nightmares (as opposed to fun-related nightmares? come on, Alicia...) and I wake up with my heart thumping.
My husband cheated on me.
My husband mocked me when he saw me in pain.
My husband left me.
My husband hurt my children.

These are the fears I'm letting go of -these are the fears I thought I HAD let go of.  But here they are at night, hashing up feelings I've dealt with for years.
I've worked hard to heal, and I didn't ASK for these dreams.  I didn't bring them on myself.  They're just... here.
It's like my own personal Pitch Black, creeping up from under my bed to poison my dreams.

I need my own Guardian to conquer my fears. 

Are these MY version of user dreams?  I've been using fear for SO. LONG. that letting it go has proved something of a shock for my brain?  I don't know. I do not know.
All I know is I'm tired.  I don't want to go to sleep, but I want sleep more than, gosh, everything.  I have a three month old, for crying out loud.  The bags under my eyes were already approaching epic proportions.
I wake up every morning filled with emotions toward my unsuspecting husband who has NO IDEA he spent all night making my life hellish.
Poor kid.

Today I'll focus on my center.
Today I'll focus on my Guardian.
Today I won't give fear any credit.