Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Loved in Spite Of

After my mom's accident that damaged her brain to a nearly infantile state, she had a two albums she would listen to over and over (and over and over): 
The Man From Snowy River Soundtrack
The Oak Ridge Boy's Christmas Album

Mom has a way of really sticking with her favorite music.  Once she hears something she likes, she plays it over and over (and over and over).  Growing up, she played the Children's Choir singing all of the Primary Songs.
I hated it so much.
I sort of hated myself for hating it and swore that I'd spend the rests of my life being called as Primary Music Chorister as penance for my hatred.
That hasn't come to pass.  Yet, anyway.

The songs were constantly stuck in my head, and my brothers and I would grumble (murmur?) about it daily -but there was one I never minded hearing.
My Heavenly Father Loves Me

Even as I grew up and out of my home, every time I heard My Heavenly Father Loves Me, it would take me back home: back to my old Primary room filled with my old classmates.  I would feel young and warm and happy.

The past few days, I've messed up a lot.  I hesitate to say, "I've failed" because I don't feel like a failure...   Ordinarily, I would feel like a failure, and I would be devastated.  But as I'm working through my Step 4 inventories, I'm seeing ME and seeing that I'm not a failure.  I have certain character flaws, but my character flaws are not me.  I'm messing up a lot, but I'm not a mess up.  For example:

I burned the last batch of cookies.
I forgot to play tooth fairy.
I ate a huge bag of Cadburry mini-eggs (we're talking Sam's Club size here. Apparently when I nurse I have the ability to eat at Feed an Army capacity).
I backed into my own truck with my own jeep and busted lights out on both accounts (first accident in over 10 years).
I had to hire housekeeping help because I couldn't do it myself.
The list goes on (and on)...

And after getting up from the computer where I responded to an email from my mother who was apologizing because she felt, based on my actions toward her at dinner the night before, I had been hurt by her... I began to think of all of the little ways I'd messed up in the past few days.
I walked around the house doing little pick-ups, folding laundry, making cookies (determined NOT to burn the last batch this time), and I suddenly realized I was humming.

I had to stop myself and think about the song I was humming.

Am I the only one who does this?  I start humming a hymn without thinking about it, and once I realize I'm doing it I come to find the hymn I'm humming is an answer to prayers.

I caught myself softly singing, "He gave me my life, my mind, my heart... I thank Him reverently."
And it was like a soft message from my Father in Heaven.  I felt that old familiar HOME feeling again.
Yes, Alicia.  You've been a series of unfortunate events for the past two days.  But I love you.  I love every little clumsy, forgetful, thoughtless piece of you.

It sometimes blows me away -the power and magnitude of His redeeming love.  I mean.  It's just me.  I'm just that little ol' farmhousewife with her butcher apron on, burning cookies and forgetting birthdays.

And to drive His point home, a phone call was placed yesterday in just the way, at just the right time by just the right person to let me know:

Heavenly Father loves me.


  1. Love it!

    1. The tooth fairy gets me every time! I don't know why it's so hard to remember, but my kids often get their $2 on the SECOND night. We must be at the end of the tooth fairy's route and sometimes she runs out of time the first night...

    2. I learned with my second kid to ALWAYS hire housecleaning help. You can't do it all with a baby and that's OKAY! Since my second, I've hired help from the day I got pregnant (my pregnancies are BAD) and I keep it until my baby is at least one year old. I don't think that's failing. I think it's super smart. Good for you!

    You go girl! Hum away. Heavenly Father DOES love you!

    1. You understand me so well :)
      I wish I could afford to hire consistent help, but the help that came the other day cleaned for the easy fee of two loaves of freshly baked bread. I can DO that! Luckily my house is small, so it only took an hour and a half to clean!

  2. Alicia I have always loved your posts. So funny. You always tie in good tidbits about the life of being a busy mom. And like your chocolate!

    I think one of the greatest lessons we can learn on this earth is that we do need HELP and its okay. it doesn't mean we are failures. I think in the church we teach self-reliance the wrong way. I think being self-reliant means knowing when to do what you can and when to rely on others.

    P.s I would totally come and vacuum and do your dishes if I could! And thanks for your comments on my posts...I may need to email you some more questions....

    1. Funny story: I had a really tiring day at church today, and then I had to come home to make Sunday dinner... I was dragging big time and feeling sorry for myself. I opened the freezer and found... a small fun size chocolate bar. And I cheered out loud. It was like a small drop from heaven.
      Also: I'm pretty sure I'm addicted to chocolate. Haha.

      I like your thoughts on self-reliance. It's definitely one of those tight rope/fine line things for me.