Wednesday, March 6, 2013


There are so many adjustments going on right now.

Adjusting to busy life with a new baby, adjusting to a life where my husband is making real efforts toward recovery, adjusting to a relationship that isn't focused on or centered around sex...

I've never been very good at change. 

The easiest adjustment to make is the baby -it seems more natural.  I've had more practice with babies.  The biggest adjustment in the baby department is getting used to real life with her.  The first two months were slow and easy -after that, real life kicked back in: piano lessons, Primary, Visiting Teaching. Suddenly, the "you JUST had a baby" line doesn't apply anymore.  Now I'm scrambling to figure it all out, but I'm getting there.  It's a fluctuating New Normal that changes with each baby stage, each visiting teaching change, each meeting change... but it makes weird, natural sense.  Babies have a natural way about them.

Saturday morning, I was bustling around my house, prepping it for out of town family.  I was short with my kids, snippy toward my husband...
Saturday was at the end of a week of disclosures, and while I could handle the disclosures on their own, I was struggling to handle the disclosures+hosting family+cooking a luncheon for 60 people.  I sensed my stress level creeping toward the boiling point.  I heard a knock on the door -it was my Dad.  He asked if he could take my kids. Tender mercy!  I sent them with Dad, I put the baby in the swing where she screamed her brand new lungs out, and I knelt down to pray.  I put all my stress into one prayer.
"I could do this without the pressures of hosting, I could.  But I'm so overwhelmed..." Through all the disclosures during the week, I had never shed one tear, never felt the need to. 
"Go feed the baby," came the answer from my Father in Heaven.  Apparently, He heard her screaming...
"Okay?" I said.  I didn't get it, but whatever.
I sat down on my couch and fed my baby, instantly quieting her.  The rest of my house was quiet -my husband was in the shower. I looked out the window and saw a day that ached to be Spring.  I took a deep breath.
"Get a blessing."
Ah... it was "the rest of the story" answer to my prayer.  My husband administered a wonderful blessing, and I burst into tears.  The tears flowed for the next few minutes, and then I was fine. 

I don't understand how to DO this new life, which -actually -is also constant only in it's fluctuation. 
Do I trust his recovery efforts?  No.
I appreciate them.
I've let go of his addiction and have been able to focus on other aspects of my life.  But now that he's taken more of his addiction on, I feel even more... free.  But it's a weird sort of freedom.  I feel like a just-broke filly who has been given more reign.  I'd almost prefer being held back a little because that's what I'm USED to.
Adjustment has never been my strong point.  And then there's the part of me (or maybe the adversary?) that keeps hounding on the disclosures...
You have every right to be hurt.
You have every right to be upset.
You have every right to escape...

But I don't feel the urge to do or feel any of those things.  At all.  And so I'm kind of like, "Well what DO I do then?  Live?"
Yes, live.  And I've got to figure out really HOW to do it.  Adjust to it.
I get the sudden urge to do empowering things: build a table, take apart an engine...
And just when I'm about to dive head-first into an all-consuming pile of pine and nails, my baby cries and I remember, "Oh yeah.  I CAN'T right now..."

And then there's the sex.
Even before his latest disclosures -before he knew he would be disclosing -my husband took sex off the table.  If he hadn't, I would have by now.  I added a new "don't see me in the buff" boundary after the lastest disclosures, and I feel good about it.
And yet.
I find myself scrambling.  I'm in the tub stressing about whether or not to shave my legs... I start counting days.
"It's been x-amount of days since we last..." and then I remember.
Oh, it doesn't matter.  We're not doing that right now.
And relief stomps on the stress and my leg hair runs wild. 
I get out of the tub and instantly start stressing over perfume, lotion... I used to always choose his favorite so he would desire me the MOST.  And then I remember.
Oh, it doesn't matter... and I put on whatever I feel like.
I start to realize JUST how sex-centered our relationship is: at least on my end.  The wolf whistling stops, the butt grabbing stops, the puns and innuendos sort of stop (since apparently my mind will forever be gliding somewhere near the gutter)...
The air in our house feels clean and fresh.  Is it because Springtime is around the corner? or is it because there's a new feeling in our home? 
My husband left for an overnight trip this morning, and I felt something off... and then I realized we hadn't had The Sex.  You know the kind... The Sex You Have Before They Leave For Training So They Won't "Need" Anything Else.
I was stressing out this morning because something felt off, and when I realized what it was I started to relax.
Oh, it doesn't matter...

Adjustments, adjustments, adjustments.

I really stink at this kind of stuff... what I really ought to do today is service.  Get the heck outta my house!  But aside from everything else, my body is making some pretty painful adjustments from the whole baby thing, and I'll be doing bloody amazing to just get out of my PJs and the trash taken out before my piano lessons come for the day.
Because I haven't been feeling well, I'm fighting feelings of failure for tasks unaccomplished and attention ungiven.

I know from experience there's always a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow of adjustment... because I've got three rainbows going right now I'm looking forward to some pretty fat rewards.
But for today?  I'm going to take it slow, take a bath (hairy legs will be involved), take a walk, and do my best to NOT serve Texas Sheet Cake for dinner (Dad won't be here so nutrition is kind of optional).


  1. This whole part explains my life in a nutshell right now...

    "I don't understand how to DO this new life, which -actually -is also constant only in it's fluctuation.
    Do I trust his recovery efforts? No.
    I appreciate them."

    I am just still struggling to let go completely. How do you actually do it? I feel it's happening in stages, but it's slow for me.

  2. I got a package in the mail today. It was from my sister. My little sister. She's 11 years younger than I am, only 24, she only has one kid, early marriage stress, not 16 years of marriage stress, but she and I are EXACTLY alike. We both married addicts (her's is different than mine). Both of our hubs had HORRIBLE childhoods. We have the same body type, the same measurements (which has actually been a sore spot with my hubs since he's noticed this as well, multiple times). We parent the same. She is one of the only people who I truly trust to care for all 4 of my kids, at the same time. We even both think that certain letters and numbers are much prettier than others and we name our children so their names are stimulating visually when written. I even had a moment of "seriously" when I went into labor with my daughter on a day that didn't have 'pretty' numbers (I'd puked for 9 months straight). Odd I know. But, we share that in common.

    I digress.
    She is me, 11 years ago. Today, I received a package in the mail. It was a "care" package. It contained a box of tissues, her favorite poem, a bag of hugs and a jar of quotes. Her note started out "this is for the days when you are done being "awesome" and you need some "you" time."

    I burst into tears. I have sent this same "care" package to dozens of friends for dozens of reasons. Reading that letter made me realize that I've never received one.

    I think we all need a "care" package. A letter and kit that lets us know that we don't always need to be "awesome" sometimes we need to just process the mess that we call life.

    It is just fine to feel jumbled right now. Life is a mess. Recovery or not, it's a mess. And messes take a while to sort through and clean up.

    btw- did you read my last post on how I've asked my husband to disclose to me? It really helps when the disclosures follow a course that doesn't leave me being the dumping ground....

    Love you.
    If you send me your address, I'll mail you your own care package. (and that goes for any reader as well.) We are not alone.


  3. We've had rice krispie treats or cake for dinner so many times, ha, ha! And I know all about "The Sex" before trips etc. It's great to just not worry about that anymore! I love your honest posts. Having an infant and small children is a LOT of work! We had 5 within 7 years. It's hard, but lots of blessings come with it. Smart move, asking for a blessing from your husband. I love your ranch girl analogies, too, just broke filly, and how the air in your house smells clean. You are a good woman. A really good woman.

  4. "And then I remember."

    This to me does not sound like "not doing well with adjustment." You are seeing through new eyes, and making new choices.

    I can sense that it is hard -- the inner discomfort that comes with change is real -- but I am looking at what you write thinking, "She's doing awesome."


  5. You are my hero and I love you...that is all.

    Also, did you serve sheet cake for dinner?? :)

    1. YES! Well, I made roasted chicken and veggies too -I invited my parents over for dinner so I'd be sure and make something with substance in it... and then we all feasted on cake ;)

  6. You guys -these comments all touched me to the point of tears. I seem to cry pretty easily these days.
    Thank you all.