Sunday, May 18, 2014

The Great Equalizer

Eight years ago over Easter weekend, I sat in a chapel in a gigantic hospital, two hours from home.  It was the ONLY quiet corner of the hospital where I could go to think, to process what had just happened.

I had lost a pregnancy.
My only pregnancy.

I found myself suddenly part of a club... a club I didn't want to be in, but one that left me so grateful for the other members.  It seemed only they knew exactly what to say.  The professional help could only go so far.  Family only understood a little.  But my new club?  I still find comfort when I think of the sorrow in the eyes of women who knew.

They didn't try to comfort me so much as they tried to be real, honest, and empathetic.  Scratch that.  They didn't TRY.  They just WERE.  They were real, honest, and empathetic.
"You'll never forget the due date."
"You'll see kids the same age and wonder what if..."
"Just cry.  Don't stop.  Just cry and don't stop yourself."
"I am so sorry."

Their words meant more to me than any other words.

A few months ago, I attended the General Women's Meeting and made it clear until the third note of the opening song before I burst into tears.  
Simply being a woman puts me into a bigger-picture kind of a club.  President Eyring hit the nail on the head when he said, "You are more alike as daughters of God than you are different."
Yesterday I attended a baptism and sat next to a elderly widow.  She opened a locket around her neck and revealed it's precious contents to me: a picture of her most-loved and missed husband on one side, and a younger picture of her on the other.
"I vear it always," she said in her beautiful Dutch accent.
In that moment, I was her equal... a beautiful daughter of God who has known love, who has cherished it, and who was traversing this angry and wonderful world AND MOVING FORWARD.

Being a wife of a porn addict has put me -yet again -in a club.  The kind I never, ever wanted to be in... but the kind that makes me so grateful for the other members.
This is the kind of club where all sense of popularity goes wildly out the window, and we all meet together in soul and SEE and KNOW and LOVE.
It doesn't matter how we got here, how old we are, what language we speak.
There's no "who's who" of porn addiction.

I recently read an article that detailed Tori Spelling's recent marital chaos. 
"No amount of sex was enough," she says.
Ah, welcome to the club.  Celeb status can not separate us, Tori.  I know your pain.

As I've dwelt on This Club, I felt such a pull, such an urge to simply say

REACH OUT.  Please.  If you find yourself in This Club, REACH OUT.  We are the same.  I understand your pain, I understand your world.  I know what THIS feels like, and you

My sweet sister,
Are not, nor will you ever be


We are the same.
Equal as daughters, equal as wives (or partners) of addicts.
As equal in the eyes of God as we are equal in pain.
Share it, declare it.

I'm here.  A entire circle of women are.  This club is filled with women who have "...tender, caring hearts, backbones of steel and hands that are prepared for the fight." ~Stasi Eldredge 

It's such a privilege to know the women I do, to share in their reality and to see them rise up from their darkest hours... an unbreakable, immortal hydra: roaring, unconquerable, bursting with courage and confidence and absolute determination.


  1. I found out a couple of gals had mentioned to a friend of mine how meaningful my porn rant was in Sunday School. I wanted to yell, "talk to me! Tell me! I'm here!"

    1. BRAVE YOU. You need a Brave Bra Badge.

  2. It is a club that I never wanted to be in, but darn it if every single woman I have met isn't the most incredible woman to walk the planet. I love all of my wopa sisters! :)

    1. I feel the same way about you, lady. The very same way.

  3. It's hard to reach out. It's scary and often frustrating. I have shared with 3 women in 12 years and they don't understand how devastating this is to me. I've meet with every single bishop we've been through. 5 so far and they have been a sad example to me of how to help/support my husband or myself. Lots of excuses, justifications, gray areas and pats on the back of my hubby who is doing so good. My lds therapist is also clueless to my pain. I'm searching for someone else. I find it difficult to get help. It's such a relief to find these blogs and to hear and feel that there are others who are in this, right now, along with me. To know you're not alone! This is unbearable to me. It has been and still is without a doubt the most puzzling, chaotic, confusing and painful time of my life dealing with this. Can not get through this by myself, no way.

    1. Lindsay, YES! I totally understand your frustration! You hit the nail on the head: puzzling, chaotic, confusing, painful.

      My therapist does web cam meetings -he's a certified sex addiction therapist, and although he's full right now... you might look into seeing his brother.

      Honestly, seeing a certified sex addiction therapist was HUGE for me. HUGE. There's a few more you can do webcam meetings with... feel free to email me and I can get you in touch with people who can get you more info!

  4. I love it but I hate it. Without being a part of this club, I wouldn't have met so many beautiful people. That is the beauty of what I'm going through. I'm so grateful to have so many wonderful women, wonderful blessings in my life.

    1. I love it but hate it too! And I LOVE you and without porn addiction, I wouldn't know you ;) so I'll take it!

  5. There is absolutely nothing like reaching out to a fellow WoPA and telling your story. Pretty sure Camp Scabs changed my life! :)

    1. I'm so glad you were able to go! I only wish I could have been there and met you in person.

  6. Beautiful, beautiful Alicia. Such a hard club to be in. But oh, I'm so grateful for the other club members.