Thursday, May 29, 2014

On Being Alone

One of my deepest and greatest fears is being alone.

That isn't to say that I NEED a husband.  That is to say that I need connection.  I need others, I need authenticity in my friends. 

I have been alone -the kind of alone that scares the you-know-what out of me.  Alone in my pain, alone in my journey, alone in my marriage.
Danny was always there, but he wasn't always there.  You know?  If you're reading this, you probably do know.

2 1/2 years ago, I was called to be a stake missionary for the ARP program -specific to pornography.  I began holding meetings.  No one came.  And then for a little while, there was a small number of women who came. 
And then no one.
Every week, I'd drive to the Seminary building and outside for 15 minutes, and those 15 minutes are some of the most awful 15 minutes of my life.
It sounds dramatic, I know.  But really.  15 long, silent minutes to remind Alicia that she is alone.

I finally quit going.  I just couldn't do it anymore. 

I would talk about addiction and recovery in my marriage, and Danny hated it.  He would ask me to please not ruin our date/a good day/drive/walk with talking about IT.
I was alone.

There are women who understand to some degree this pain.  I pray they will come out of the cracks and take my hand. 
I pray for women's healing and recovery.

Most all of my support is online.  Facebook and phone calls.  I'm grateful for that.  SOSOSO grateful for that.  I didn't realize HOW grateful until last week when my Lifestar group was abruptly dissolved.

Danny's group will continue, but mine is being wrapped up.  Today is my last session.
And I can't find another slot anywhere else... yet.

This last week I've been near tears so often.  I feel like a victim.  I feel sad.
I feel like my emotions are MORE than they should be which means I'm having a trauma reaction.  Why am I having a trauma reaction?
Because I feel alone.

I know I'm not alone.  I KNOW that. 

But I finally was attending a group and Danny was attending a group... and we were doing this TOGETHER.  I wasn't alone in my marriage with this recovery group.  It was even Danny's idea!  That meant so much to me.  There was a lot of safety in attending.

Now I feel left behind.
There's no local groups, no nearby Lifestar to scrape me up and take me in.
There's just Alicia facing her fear -realized once again -of being alone.  The crickets are chirping, the street light is flickering, and my sweater is thin.

I have no idea what's ahead, no idea.  Maybe Lifestar isn't for me.  It isn't the end of the world.
Really, it isn't.

And I don't like FEELING like a victim. 
The past three days have been so dark and awful.  The support I do have of women who KNOW, women who get recovery and everything it takes (which is sometimes everything) is priceless to me.
Priceless, priceless, priceless.

Right now I need spiritual guidance, education, 12 step, and a counselor.  I need self care and simplification.
It takes a lot of effort to work recovery... a lot of dedication, commitment, and heart. Spiritual, emotional, physical and mental awareness! Talking with women who know relieves me.  Not having women who know to talk with triggers trauma.

God knows me.
God knows my desires.
God knows my willingness.
And God is in control.

Everything will be all right, and knowing what I know, I can testify that I am never TRULY alone.  Ever.


  1. I love you, Alicia. I'm sorry you feel alone. And you're right, I know what you mean. And it sucks. And it's not fair.

    But everything WILL be all right. You're right about that too. You know where to reach me if you want to talk. {hugs}