Tuesday, May 20, 2014


Lately I've found myself stumbling on great stuff that just really hits home with healing, so I take out my phone and snap a picture.  I'm posting them all here so I don't lose them in the mass of selfies my kids have been taking.
Seriously.  THE MASS.

A poem from my husband's cousin's funeral program.
Sometimes I feel so awfully alone.  When I'm online, there's TONS of support.  One click onto facebook and there's my support.  But when I log off (which I've been doing more of these days), there's a dark lie in the back of my mind that creeps out when I go to church.
"You're alone.  No one understands you, no one is talking about this.  You're the only one."

I know it's not true, and yet...

In my increase of logging off, I've picked up Jane Eyre again.  Have you ever read it?  There's a lot of truth in it.
Here's some words of wisdom from Helen Burns (may she rest in fictional literature peace):
Another Jane Eyre quote I love, "The shadows are as important as the light."  It gives a beautiful sort of purpose to the depression I'm battling.
So glad I wrote this down to rediscover a few days ago:
A quote shared in support group today:
(snagged that beaut' off Pinterest. ^^^^)

And lastly is an original work of art brought to you by me and Lifestar.  Or should that read "Lifestar and I"?

Either way:
I was supposed to come up with an artistic representation of what codependency looks like to me.
As I thought about this, and I thought about how I feel about codependency... I came up with a collage.

First I want to just get this out there: I do struggle with control.  I want to control people and things and places and situations, and YES even movie plot lines.  THAT ties into codependency.
And when you tie in the trauma survival technique of doing codependent things... you get a pretty nice mess of a girl sitting on rock bottom with a blanket and a few boxes of Little Debbie snacks.

What does that world look like to me?  How has it shaped my life?
I put my phone on mute and listened in on a recovery meeting as I pulled out my old magazines and started tearing.  I penciled in some train tracks in the middle of the page, glued a train on top... then glued my face UNDER the train tracks and heavy, black train.
I tore strips of black pages up and glued them around the train: fear, shame...

I carefully cut out bright patterns and colors that caught my eye.  I glued them around me.

I know I have worth.  I know I'm a beautiful creation with tastes and gifts and purpose!  I believe in the girl who lives a creative life of bright colors and crazy ideas.
But when shame comes.
When fear creeps.
Worried about what others think, afraid of rejection, of being alone, of being left...

I'm railroaded.

That's what codependency means to me.

But you know what I did today?  I cancelled three piano lessons on today's roster because they were just too much.
I was afraid of upsetting parents, but I did it.

Now there's less time for overscheduledness and more time for Jane Eyre and watermelon.
And color.


  1. Sometimes I have felt that God is not aware of me, or that I have done too much to be worthy of seeing or feeling that he is aware of me. Then I have a few of these " snippets" that just really touch me or seem to be just what I needed, and then a soft quiet thought comes to mind that He is very VERY aware of me. Even if I don't see or recognize it. I'm greatful for tender mercy snippets: )

  2. I love that you were invited to create a visual representation of what you feel. It's interesting that I'm reading this now, because last night, I couldn't sleep because I kept feeling inspired to start drawing again. I've got a picture in mind that I want to create, and seeing what you created gives me more inspiration to do so.
    You are beautiful and colorful, and you've also inspired me to reread Jane Eyre. :)