Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Very Afraid

Becoming aware of JUST HOW MUCH I've let fear rule my life has been overwhelming.

I work out because I'm afraid of gaining weight.
I'm afraid if I gain weight, my husband won't love me.
I'm afraid if my husband doesn't love me, he will reject me.
Fear of rejection.
Rejection from him, from my own self, from others.

I'm afraid to let the kids take too many risks.
I'm afraid to be 100% honest with my husband about my feelings because it might upset him.
I'm afraid he'll lose his temper.

My chest is tight for most of the day.
I'm afraid of what others think of me.
I'm afraid I'll wreck the car because my vision is terrible.
I'm afraid I'll be responsible for their death somehow.
I'm afraid I'll be responsible for their choices later in life.
I'm afraid of letting the people I love down.
I'm afraid I'm letting fear keep me from my dreams.
Did you hear that?  I'm AFRAID of FEAR.
Isn't there a word out there for that?  There's some kind of phobia name for that.  I know there is.

I try to keep my distance from contagious people, from angry people, from dominant-personality people.

I'm starting to let go of many of these fears, and I'm grateful for awareness.  I could have gone my entire life trapped and bound by fear, never fully LIVING.

My wonderful counselor said I need to employ one of those awesome therapy acronyms.

Aware: become aware of the fear
Demystify the fear

I am aware that I am very afraid.
As far as Demystification?


  1. I can completely relate to everything you just said. It feels horrible to be so afraid of everything. I think for me, the fears stem from the heartache I have already suffered, and it's some kind of inner self-protection.

    Last night, I was talking to my husband, and I so desperately wanted to tell him something. But I was so afraid. Afraid it would trigger something or that he would get mad or not understand. But I told him, and he had a much better response than I expected. And then I'm sure I will fight the same fears next time I want to tell him something like that.

    Anyway, fear is normal. Thanks for posting this. It's given me a lot to think about and motivation. AND I loved that video :)