Sitting on a borrowed yoga mat, preparing to leave Camp Scabs, my eyes were closed as I listened to Yoga Amber.
She was telling us to think of a word.
"It could be love, it could be joy..." she prompted.
Because I am a devout lover of words, I quieted my mind and let the word find ME.
Peace.
Peace, I leave with you. Peace I give unto you.
Prince of Peace.
Peace on Earth.
Since returning home, I've been on a journey to find peace. My home is not a peaceful place. Growing up, my home was never a peaceful place.
I want to be delivered. I want to escape.
But I also want this marriage, this home, this Man.
What if I'm the only one in my house concerned about peace? How does that work?
I read 2 Peter Chapters 1 and 2 last night. Chapter 1 was interesting. Chapter 2 wanted to rip my heart out. I physically ACHE for my husband. When I look into his eyes and and see how heavy his soul is, when I listen to him talk, when I see tears form in the eyes of this wonderful Man, I ache.
Reading Chapter 2, I cried. I felt fear -I know this addiction could sever me from him for eternity, and I don't want that. I love him. I LOVE him.
I read verse 18:
18 For when they aspeak great swelling words of bvanity, they callure through the dlusts of the flesh, through much wantonness, those that were clean eescaped from them who live in error.
"Those that were clean ESCAPED from them who live in error."
What does that mean? Divorce?
No. It means "boundaries."
Boundaries are My Great Escape. They are my deliverance.
Boundaries keep me from being a fix, an object, and trapped. They give me the self-respect to walk away when I am on the receiving end of bottled up negative emotions my husband doesn't know how to handle.
The Lord delivered Noah, Lot and Moses. He led up Lehi out of Jerusalem. We know the women were given the choice of deliverance as well.
Why not, then, for me?
The Lord will provide a means, a choice, an escaped marriage.
The Lord's way is peace.
This was a great post. There's a lot I can relate too. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteoh I could use Yoga Amber today!
ReplyDeleteI keep telling myself, "I am not a mean person to set boundaries. I am not a mean person to set boundaries."
I struggle with trying to create a peaceful home too. I DID grow up in a peaceful home and long for my kids to have that, and I long to feel it here too. A year and a half ago I had a visiting teacher tell me how much she enjoyed being at my house because she felt the spirit and such peace. I think my jaw was probably inches from the floor. What was she talking about? There was no spirit and no peace in my house. But maybe there was. I just couldn't feel it. I hope I've been doing enough for my kids. I'm trying to do enough for me so that I can feel at peace, with in myself, too.
ReplyDelete