My husband just got home from an overnight work thing-y.
I enjoyed him being gone... not in the "good, he's GONE" kind of way, but in the "yay! less dishes!" kind of way.
I visited with my sisters-in-law and listened as they expounded on their inability to sleep if their husbands are gone, and then I went home at 10:15 pm and slept soundly... alone in my bed.
Years ago, it was a different story entirely. When my husband worked graveyards, I was a mess. I would call him constantly.
"Would you drive by and spotlight the house?"
"I think I heard something..."
"Where are you?"
I tried not to hassle him, so I would spend a lot of time tossing and turning with a pit of fear in my stomach.
All that time alone, at night, alone, with his smart phone...
Toss, turn, toss, turn.
Progress, right? It felt like progress right up until the point when he came home and I felt like I was just waiting for the bomb to drop.
"I had a hard time."
"It was a rough night."
Nothing. He said nothing about it. I couldn't shake it.
Was he going to confess? Was it in my future? Was he too scared? Should I just ask?
"No," my gut said, "Let it the heck go."
All day I shook it off, and we fell asleep next to each other in a half-stupor (kids make us tired).
This morning I finally said, "This is weird. Okay? This is just weird. I feel like I'm waiting for you to come and disclose something after having stayed overnight somewhere."
"I've stayed places without problems before," he said.
"I know that... it's just... this is like a weird adjustment for me."
"Nothing happened," he chuckled.
Nothing happened.
It's true. He's not lying. And instead of me patting him on the back and giving him thumbs up, I'm standing off to the side and scratching my head.
This is weird.
What do I do with this reality?
THAT'S HOW I FEEL EVERY TIME MY HUSBAND IS SOMEWHERE OVERNIGHT! Even when he is home, but when we don't go to bed at the same time or he falls asleep after me.
ReplyDeleteI used to have panic attacks when he was gone, and I couldn't sleep. I think you're making great progress. It is hard not to ask, and it is weird to think that everything might be fine because you're (and by you, I mean me) always clenched up, ready to hear the bad news. It's like we can't learn how to relax because when we do relax and start trusting, the bad news busts right over our heads!
I don't know what to do with that reality either. When it happens with me, I just take one step closer to him and try to let my guard down a little bit.
You'll figure out what to do. You're awesome!
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ReplyDeleteI can relate to so much of this post. My husband travels quite a bit for work and I used to have the hardest time sleeping at night. Then when I found out that business travel was one of the times he would indulge in his addiction it got worse. Now, I say a prayer asking the Lord to strengthen my husband and to calm my fears and then I sleep like a baby. I am always waiting for him to disclose a slip or something and lately it has been similar to your husband..."no problem, nothing happened." And I don't know how to feel.
ReplyDeleteIt IS such a weird feeling.
I can totally relate too. Sometimes when he is traveling he sends a text in the morning to update me. So when there is no text or when he comes home I can really work myself into a dither over it. We are a smidge crazy.
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