Saturday, April 27, 2013

Going Parking


Years ago, I parked the car.

It seems so innocent -so seemingly insignificant.

I went the wrong way... you know the arrows they paint on the parking lot asphalt?  I ignored them.  I giggled and ignored them.  It was a typical Alicia thing to do.  Alicia never follows the arrows.
In essence, if the arrow dictate what we SHOULD do, Alicia will probably giggle and go the other way which is why I never read Twilight.
Or Harry Potter.
But I digress...

My husband happened to be with me.  He was irritated.  As his irritation mounted, my giggling became nervous.  As his irritation crossed the line to anger, my giggling quit.
I wasn't fitting perfectly into the parking spot because I had come in from the wrong direction.  I was having to reverse, pull forward, reverse, pull forward...

In all honesty, if I had been with one of my girl friends, we would have laughed about it.  And I could sense that in my gut.  This was such a silly thing -such a laughable thing.
Why was he getting angry?
 "It's not a big deal," I said, "You don't need to act like a jerk."
He got out of the car before I had finished parking, slammed the door and stormed off toward the store.

I didn't understand.  I started to feel shame, guilt, fear.

When I caught up with him, I asked him what was wrong.
"I don't appreciated being called a jerk," he was still very angry.  I began to cave.
"I didn't call you a jerk... I said you were acting like one.  There's a difference.  I don't think you're a jerk.  You're a good man.  I would never call YOU a jerk...Are you mad at me?"

I then went on to prove my love for him, which love I was sure would be enough to pull him out and away from porn.
It never did.

I think about that car parking incident from time to time.

My husband doesn't realize how controlling he can be.  I don't think he conscientiously TRIES to control.  But I can see it.  I realize it, and I don't want any part of it anymore.

I want to go against the arrows.
I want him to trust me to run the house, the laundry, and the kids MY way when I'm in charge.  I don't want to cower under pressure when I can tell he disapproves of my ways.

His ways, to him, are THE ways.
He's like math.  One answer for every problem.
I'm like English.  There's more than million ways to write the same sentence, and chances are I'm going to test them all out and use the one that strikes my fancy the mostest.

I'm tired of fearing my husband.
For the past few days, I was absolutely stark-raving ANGRY about this.  Also: me being stark-raving angry is pretty unimpressive. 
I gave the anger the place it needed and even went so far as to misuse it against my husband, something I rarely do because I'm too scared.
So in a way, raising my voice to him was a sort of sign and token that I'm shaking off my fear of my husband.  And I'm not angry anymore.  Not today.

Today I breathed.
Today I took a detox bath.
Today I listened to my detox bath music.
Today I rubbed essential oils all over my temples and neck and chest and wrists.

Today I'll ride horses with my kids while my husband is out of town.  I'll eat homemade cinnamon rolls and I'll laugh and I'll do whatever it takes to keep the presence of angels 'round about me.

Heaven knows they chase the Dementors away.
Okay, so I watched the MOVIES... I just didn't read the books ;)


  1. It's it amazing in recovery how we realize just how controlling they are? Neither of us realized it until lately... But, we are both fighting against it now...

    1. I don't think my husband was/is intentionally controlling, but I wonder if a big part of him tried to control things because he felt a lack of control in himself? I don't know.

    2. I think that's pretty insightful Alicia. And my husband does this too.
      They talk about it in LifeSTAR...It's called the Shame Cycle. They say that shame-based people use "cover-ups" in an attempt to cope with their shame. "These cover-ups surge between control(this can include compulsively trying to be a better person, rigidness, perfectionism, overly critical, etc.)and release (giving into compulsive or addictive behaviors)...Neither of these phases can stand alone and neither of them will work for very long...sooner or later each phase gives way to the other, thus perpetuating the cycle"

    3. That sounds exactly like my husband! I'd love to learn more about that. I've heard him voice his frustrations with himself, "I'm not content to not be perfect, and I hate that!" I wonder if there's any literature on this cycle?

    4. The sources on shame that LifeSTAR recommends are:

      --"Facing Shame, Families in Recovery" by Merle A. Fossum and Marilyn J Mason
      --"Healing the Shame that Binds You" by John Bradshaw

      I think both of these books discuss the shame cycle.

      We also watched a really good dvd of John Bradshaw called "Shame and Addiction." I found this short clip of it on youtube, but the clip is before he gets into the control/release cycles.

  2. Go you! Good job taking care of yourself!

    1. I'm seriously thinking of creating a self-care package and sending it to everyone. I just wish I had enough money to do it, haha :) But wouldn't you love a detox bath kit with a CD? We could ALL use a detox bath!

  3. His ways, to him, are THE ways.
    He's like math. One answer for every problem.
    I'm like English. There's more than million ways to write the same sentence, and chances are I'm going to test them all out and use the one that strikes my fancy the mostest.

    I love how you describe this.

    1. Does it resonate with you? I'm so creative and my husband is so... analytical. We make a good team so long as we don't try to overpower each other.