Should I be surprised that as I'm becoming more and more aware that I'm becoming more and more hesitant to keep on keepin' on? I shouldn't be. But I am.
It's like:
I'm ready for a new marriage with the same man. I love that man. I love MY man. But this marriage we're in? The patterns we've created?
I'm ready to cash them in -hand them over to the Lord in exchange for The Good Stuff.
HOWEVER.
It's scary. There's another part of me that is afraid of what the future holds. It's easier to keep on keepin' on because it's what I've done for nearly NINE years. Nine years can't be reprogrammed in nine hours, nine days, or nine weeks.
My husband doesn't like me right now.
That scares me because I'm afraid that our marriage will never heal. I feel a sense of hopelessness -I feel like he will continue to view me as "super recovery Alicia" (his words) and never see that "super recovery Alicia" is actually just Alicia Alicia. Maybe someday he WILL see that, and he'll hate me all the more. Maybe he'll want out. Maybe he'll feel stuck. Maybe he'll resent me more than he already does.
Maybe he'll call me selfish and negative again.
This. is. so. hard. for me. In my entire life, I've only ever been loved. I've never been called selfish or negative. I've worked hard at being loved, at being liked, at being only pleasing -even taken it to unhealthy levels (raise your hand if you feel me there).
I'm scared to hold to boundaries.
I'm afraid of an unknown future, but OF THIS I WILL SAY:
The only thing I'm more afraid of is the present, of existing forever in this marriage the way it is right exactly right now.
So I will strap myself in. I will fold my arms. I will bow my head. And I will jump out of this airplane.
I so hear you. I'm not there yet, but I'm headed that way. You are so strong Alicia and such an example to me. God will strengthen you - you can do this! Love you so much!
ReplyDeleteI was realizing yesterday that though my body is physically weak, my spirit and soul have become so much stronger than I realize! I'm almost afraid to put them to the test because they've been weak for so, so long. I'm afraid that I won't be strong enough to maintain boundaries. But you know what? I am. I actually am. It's incredible for me personally to be able to stand up for myself, as simple as that sounds.
DeleteYou are awesome! Maybe it's time to love yourself as much as you want to be loved!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry it's so hard, but you are incredible and God loves you!
I think it's hard to fully grasp the concept of love sometimes (it is for me). Recovery has been monumental in teaching me about love. And I can honestly say that I love you :)
DeleteI'm the obnoxious kid in the class room raising their hand and waiving it like a maniac. This is EXACTLY how I feel right now. And for 9 years too (I think you mentioned on my blog we're on the same marriage time line). Undoing NINE years of unhealthy patterns, yikes! I hate to "stir the pot" so to speak because my husband reacts badly and we lose those good moments we have when we're ignoring bigger issues, but if I don't, I'll stay like this forever and that is just not acceptable to me. Those good moments aren't really THAT good because there'a a lot of fear and anger and resentment and worry underlying everything we do. And, when those good moments are over, I break down one way or another. The present (if it continued forever) is definitely more terrifying than the unknown future. I feel you 100%!
ReplyDeleteI feel you, sister. I feel you, I feel you, I feel you. I hate the feeling of ruining an otherwise good day by bringing up heavy topics, but when my gut is screaming at me to bring things up, I can't even fully enjoy the good day!
DeleteI just love you. Just absolutely love you.