Should I be surprised that as I'm becoming more and more aware that I'm becoming more and more hesitant to keep on keepin' on? I shouldn't be. But I am.
I'm ready for a new marriage with the same man. I love that man. I love MY man. But this marriage we're in? The patterns we've created?
I'm ready to cash them in -hand them over to the Lord in exchange for The Good Stuff.
It's scary. There's another part of me that is afraid of what the future holds. It's easier to keep on keepin' on because it's what I've done for nearly NINE years. Nine years can't be reprogrammed in nine hours, nine days, or nine weeks.
My husband doesn't like me right now.
That scares me because I'm afraid that our marriage will never heal. I feel a sense of hopelessness -I feel like he will continue to view me as "super recovery Alicia" (his words) and never see that "super recovery Alicia" is actually just Alicia Alicia. Maybe someday he WILL see that, and he'll hate me all the more. Maybe he'll want out. Maybe he'll feel stuck. Maybe he'll resent me more than he already does.
Maybe he'll call me selfish and negative again.
This. is. so. hard. for me. In my entire life, I've only ever been loved. I've never been called selfish or negative. I've worked hard at being loved, at being liked, at being only pleasing -even taken it to unhealthy levels (raise your hand if you feel me there).
I'm scared to hold to boundaries.
I'm afraid of an unknown future, but OF THIS I WILL SAY:
The only thing I'm more afraid of is the present, of existing forever in this marriage the way it is right exactly right now.
So I will strap myself in. I will fold my arms. I will bow my head. And I will jump out of this airplane.