Monday, April 8, 2013

All The Single Ladies


So he's gone.

Just now.  We hugged and kissed and I held my tears in until he drove off and wiped all traces of them away before facing the kids.  Like a champ.

The hydraulic gauge on the screen broke.
My daughter's bike tire went flat.
The same daughter is running a temp and has a fever.
Got an early morning call from the Dr. who let me know I have some baby-related leftovers still running amok in my baby-growing parts.
My husband took our family car because our other "car" isn't fit for driving on highways...

"And that's just today!" said the mother, with all the brightness sarcasm could muster.

Alright, so I'm not exactly moving forward with a perfect brightness of hope.  Because really?  It sorta sucks.  He has left for a week at a time before, but it's always been because of work.  Now he's taken time off work and left for a week because of THIS.  And I hates it.  We hates it.  I think even our kittens are uncomfortable with the whole situation.

My emotions are 100% on the surface.  I cried a lot during conference (good cries).  I cried a total of three times when I watched Les Miserables.  I had some sort of weird run-in with what can only be described as trauma (apparently I have some trauma leftovers in my pornography-recovery-brain parts).

It all started when my husband took me gently in his arms and gently, softly, tenderly kissed my forehead.  I burst into tears and cried so hard I couldn't talk.
Not like me.  And also: what the heck?

I also cried the next morning.

My codependency has been flaring up something fierce... and I need to be physically removed from my husband right now.

The kids think it's going to be one big, fat sleepover in the living room.  And they're right.

I'm also secretly grateful that my oldest is running a fever.  I want her home today.  I want us all together.

And so I'm logging off.  This is me tipping my hat to ya and yours.  
I'll be spending this week with my kids, with myself, with the Lord and with Step 6.

and a windstorm.  I hope he drives safe.  What if he doesn't?  What if he wrecks?  What if he DIES?  What if I have to spend the rest of my life with a broken screen and flat bike tires and the GUILT that will come knowing it was ME who sent him away -out into the windstorm and his untimely death?!?!?!


Say it with me:
Even if this happens, I know I will be all right because the Lord will always stand by me and sustain me.


See you on the other side of uncertainty.


  1. Good Luck and I hope you get have cereal for dinner along with your giant sleepover!! Hugs!!:)

  2. LOVE YOU!! You are awesome, brave, beautiful and wise!!!

  3. Alicia, I can so relate to the placenta being left over inside me. I had a big ball of it come out a month after my last was born and I freaked. Luckily it all turned out okay!

    I am praying mighty prayers for you my friend:) I hope you enjoy the slumber party and snuggles with your kids.

    We did that last week for Spring Break...a new fort every night. Time to break out the sheets and get creative.

    Love you lady! BIG HUGS:)

  4. Hang in there, Lady. You got this!