Thursday, July 3, 2014

In a Million Little Pieces

Maybe I've said this before.
It's entirely possible.

When the Lord has something to tell me, He reiterates his message over and over... because my skull is THICK and I have small children.  If there's a message He feels I need to hear, I'll find it texted to me, emailed to me, quoted in lessons, posted on random facebook walls.

AND THEN I go, "Oh, wait... WAIT.  I think something's coming through..."

Sometimes its a song, sometimes a poem, a quote.
This time around it's an idea... a word, a symbolic word.

Stuff all around me is breaking, breaking, breaking.  Toilet chains, car doors, gall bladders, MY MARRIAGE (things escalate quickly around here).
I've been moping and murmuring... moaning and groaning, "God, would be it be too much to ask to just have the toilet flush?  The sink to drain?  The car door to shut?" Each small, stinging reminders of the bigger broken issues in my life.
I broke a vase this morning, a beautiful bowl two weeks ago.
Shattered shards flying,

 My soul prays: God, this is ridiculous.  I've longed deeply for security and safety and all I'm being served is broken EVERYTHING. I. am. TERRIFIED.
I'm financially broken.
Physically broken.
Spiritually broken.
Emotionally broken.

Depression reigns my brain making me feel like a stranger here.

God, this is ridiculous.  Can't you see?!  Am I to be The Eternal Service Project?  The Girl Who Used to Contribute but Somehow Just BROKE Somewhere Around 2013?

A few weeks ago, as I was getting ready to meet up with Bishop to check in, a woman approached me and asked if I'd help her in her Relief Society lesson a few weeks out.
"I need someone to read their scriptures every day right when they get up -before they do anything else -and journal their thoughts."
I took the challenge.
I've been reading a chapter each morning on my Gospel Library App and I felt like writing my thoughts would really challenge me.

Forgive me for being IRRITATINGLY OBVIOUS, but THIS HAS BEEN A CHALLENGE.  Actually doing it isn't hard, but trying to have thoughts worth writing right as I wake up?

Some mornings I wrote deep things like, "I think I'm doing this wrong."
Some mornings I wrote honest things like, "Checked facebook first out of habit."
Some mornings I had insights like, "I AM THE LOST SHEEP, not one of the ninety and nine."
And one morning, I learned what I already knew:

The Lord had been simply sending me a message the only way He knows to get through: repetition.
I read in Luke 20 verse 18:

"Whosoever shall fall upon that stone shall be broken..."

Verse 17 references stone to ROCK.

What does this mean to me?  That when I fall on the Lord, I am broken.

God has let me know that I'm doing His will.
There is beauty in the breaking and the broken.

While my heart aches and my soul longs for trust and safety in my broken marriage and heart, the Lord has shown me truth.
Letting go of control and turning it over to God IS NOT easy, but IT IS what I want to do. 

I know now that because my entire world is broken, I AM FALLING ON GOD.

Peace has come, all is well -because all is broken.


  1. I don't know if I told you this, but this thought alone made driving all the way to attend your Group completely worth it (talking to you afterwards for hours was just a bonus). :)
    I love you, my friend. Thank you for being the Lord's mouthpiece to me.

  2. This really resonated with me! Some days I feel more broken than ever and don't know what to do about it. Other days (very few) I can sense a purpose in my brokenness. It gives me hope to read you have found peace amongst the broken pieces - Hope that peace can exist in all of this.

  3. I saw this once and really loved it:
    "Kintsugi - (Japanese: golden joinery) or Kintsukuroi (Japanese: golden repair) is the Japanese art of fixing broken pottery with lacquer resin dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum a method similar to the maki-e techniqueAs a philosophy it speaks to breakage and repair becoming part of the history of an object, rather than something to disguise." So, making a broken thing more beautiful by fixing it...(with gold). We will ALL be FIXED someday...
    ^^ to see a picture ^^