Years ago, I gave my husband to God -I'd kept him for years, audacious enough to somehow believe that he belonged to me.
It's all very 50's doo-wop and romantic-sounding... with *just a hint* of maniac control.
Now that I've done my best to dust that kind of mentality on my mom jeans, I still find myself running into situations that are
FULLY
out of my hands.
It's one thing when porn isn't looked at. Sobriety on the part of the addict somehow mandates my being MORE okay, right? I mean, not 100% ship-shape, but... better?
I somehow feel like asking for SOBRIETY AND RECOVERY is too much. It makes me high strung and mean and impatient... unkind, lacking compassion.
But the truth is: Danny never was in my hands or my power or control. He acted as he would.
And when I finally, finally, FINALLY accepted that and let go completely... I found that trust is something I had to let go of as well.
He may be sober, but there is no trust. Will there ever be?
Who can know?
Oh, that kind of surrender--the kind where you give your marriage/husband away to God with no idea of what will happen to it--that kind of surrender is TERRIFYING. The feeling you get when you've just jumped off of a cliff and realize you're in a free-fall with no idea of what will catch you at the bottom; whether it will hurt or not--that's a cakewalk to this kind of surrender.
ReplyDeleteI hope I can find that finally, finally, FINALLY part of letting go. Right now it's a sneaky little bugger. sigh. And I am constantly asking myself what you said at the end, "He may be sober, but there is no trust. Will there ever be?". I ask myself that all day every day.
ReplyDeleteFantastic question....I don't even know what exactly that looks like anymore!! And where's the balance between me choosing to trust and him earning it? Trust seems so elusive to me!
ReplyDeleteJust was told about your blog! You might not remember me but we went to the same support group for a while. ;)
ReplyDeleteI don't have anything to add to what anyone's said...just wanted to say hi!:)
the trust unicorn. I think it's a mythical creature, at least for awhile. But there have been sightings and i have a feeling it will come to us when we least expect it. love you. and sorry you're going through such things right now.
ReplyDeleteI reqd this when you wrote it and felt confused. Now I read it today and I completely completely relate. I think we need to talk
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