Because I'm terrified of being rejected. It goes into remission sometimes, and those are the days when I forget about etiquette and bras.
Since my husband's disclosure two weeks ago, the fear of rejection has been triggered multiple times daily. It's like looking a hungry roaring lion right in the face. Five, six times a day.
GAH!
The magazine covers make me panicky. The movies make me queasy. My children tell me they don't like me and I feel like Rome has BURNED. I find myself getting angry, leaving the room to bury my head into my 9-foot long pillow and making myself delve into my scary mind, "What is this about really?"
It's all coming back to rejection, to not being enough.
I can pray, go to God, surrender! I can look in the mirror and say to myself what I say daily to my own children, "YOU ARE LOVED!"
I can DO things that I love -things that fulfill me. Craft, write, yoga... I know what I can DO.
I just wanted to pop in and let you all know that I'm wearing my bra, I'm very aware of etiquette, and there's ravenous, roaring lions encircling my personal space.
No biggie.
(ha.)
This is hard stuff, you know?
I read Danny's latest post at 2 am last night after I stayed up late and beat him in a game of Playstation Frisbee Golf (I'm beyond exhausted, thanks for asking)... and right now, I feel his ache for peace.
I ache for peace. I can find peace in the Lord... after all, He's the one who closed up the lion's mouths.
You ARE LOVED!!! Rejection is the worst. I really think that's the part that I struggle with more than anything- more than lies, and weird pervey things, and emotional emptiness, and blah (which means everything else). And trust me, you are 100,00000000000000000% good enough. I wish there was a button to push to create an invisible rejection shield. But in the meantime, I'll just be your rejection shield and tell people who are being jerky to suck it. Because you are a lovely human. And that is enough. This is Laura by the way. Love you much.
ReplyDeleteThis is hard. I doubt myself every single day. My head KNOWS better but my heart hurts.
ReplyDeleteBeing a woman cost many things, you just have to be confident to burn the world.
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