Monday, November 4, 2013

I Blame Me

"Do you get triggered when he comes onto you?" My therapist asked.
"Yeah," I nodded.
"What do you do?"
"I change the subject.  I make a joke... I find a way to escape the situation without confrontation."
"You need to be honest," he said.

I need to be honest.

It sounds so simple!  But it ISN'T simple at all... not for me.  Words seem to choke in my throat even as they come out.
Fear chokes them.  Fear has incomparable choking powers.

What am I afraid of?
I asked myself this yesterday during church.
What keeps me from being honest about how I'm really feeling when my husband triggers me without realizing it?

He will feel bad, and it will be my fault.
In essence: I believe I will make him feel bad.

I will tell him I need space, and he will feel lonely and rejected.  I've always "saved" him from those emotions (I thought I did, but let's be honest... I'm not capable of saving anyone, including myself).  He will feel sad and maybe even angry, and IT WILL BE MY FAULT.

His negative emotions are my fault.  I don't want to manage his negative emotions, so I avoid confrontation like the plague.

I realize none of this is actually true... I realize that I need to be honest, and I know that his negative emotions aren't REALLY my fault.  I also know that my husband is a grown man: capable, responsible and smart.  He can handle his own emotions. 

I know the truth -I know the real truth... I hope someday soon, I'll really begin to believe it.


  1. Yup. Complicated, ain't it? You are on the right track. I think.

  2. I also blame me, my husband blames me. I am trying to learn to hold to the truth as well. I am not responsible for everything and everyone. Man, change is hard. Working through old thought and behavior patterns is HARD.

  3. This is SO HARD! I struggle with the same thing. I ignore my feelings or play them off so I won't hurt him. Because hurt is what makes up our marriage a lot of the time, and it's hard! I don't want to deal with that pain, so it just seems easier to keep it to myself so I'm the only one hurting, and my hurt isn't made worse by knowing his hurt is my fault. Not that it really is our fault because really, if it weren't for the addiction, this wouldn't be happening period. There would be no physical or intimacy triggers. Things would just be normal. Oh "normal", how I long for thee.