Recovery is awesome.
It has led me to peace, to healing. It has pulled me out of a life of craziness, a life full of lies believed and lived.
I can keep ME safe. I can work on ME. I can control what I can control.
I am finding MY OWN way to MY OWN healing.
I have serious trust issues with my husband. My own healing is hard, but it's moving along. I'm learning and growing and changing -a new world is opening before my eyes.
Still, no matter how much the Savior heals me, I have trust issues with my husband.
I have mourned this -I've gone through grief and mourning because I can't trust my husband. Trust SHOULD be in marriage.
And that's HIS job. It's his job to begin to repair that trust, to reinstate that kind of trust.
Right now, he's saying so many things to me -and I DO hear them, but I don't feel them. I feel almost like an objective listener, like he's a contestant on a reality show about porn addiction and I'm sitting on the couch with my indulgent trail mix.
"What's going to happen next, I wonder..."
I don't trust what he says.
I don't trust mankind. MANkind. I'm sort of disenchanted with the whole sex. I'm suspicious of men.
The result is that I find myself trusting wholeheartedly in The Lord -more than I ever have in my entire life. I trust The Lord with my will, my life, my choices, my future, my prayers, my thoughts, my children, my husband, and especially my children.
I haven't always.
In the past, I've relied heavily on others, on google, and on tangible resources.
I HATE that it's taken something as mean as what I'm going through now to get me to the point where I've dropped any and all trust in mankind and held firmly to my Heavenly Father. I trust in Him. I hope in Him.
I will go the distance with Him.
I wish that I could have gotten to this point without having to be pushed so far.
But it is what it is.
And I'll tell you something else that surprises me: I do not trust myself. I am part of mankind.
Only when the Spirit speaks to me do I trust myself. Only when my gut -the inner voice led and guided by The Spirit -leads me and guides me do I have any degree of trust in myself.
And so I trust only in the Savior, in The Lord, in The Spirit. And as my husband trusts in and follows the same Master, I begin to trust.
Trust will be rebuilt... but not in men.
Never in men.