Monday, August 26, 2013

Know Not

Saturday night was pure Hell.

I'm serious.  The only other night that was worse than Saturday night was the night I miscarried seven years ago.
Between having my husband kick my toenail off (yes, that happened), my heavy cramps (TMI?  given that you already know all about the porn addiction we kick around, I highly doubt you'll flinch at the mention of female shhhtuff), my sore throat and congestion, the baby's up every hour-ness, my son's fever, the rain that had my husband out in the middle of the night to cover the dog we just brought home (moment of applause for my husband making K9!)...
To say I wanted the morning to come would be the grossest understatement.

I went to Sacrament alone while my husband kept the kids at home, we switched off after Sacrament Meeting.
I sat behind the organ and fought the feelings of a trigger from the hellish night before (brought on by a movie I watched by myself).

I listened to the speakers... one began reading the scriptures that detailed the Atonement.  He read so rapidly, so methodically.
It almost took my breath away -I wanted to stand up and tell him to stop.  STOP. 
The words he was uttering were not just SOME story -they were an account of my Brother's death, his suffering and pains... MY suffering and pains.  Tears bubbled up to the surface as I contemplated the awful pain of it all -the awful pain that included not only last night but my miscarriage.
"Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do."

The words struck me, and the bubbling tears turned to flowing tears.
Not only last night but my miscarriage and my broken heart... the heart broken by the one I held so closely, trusted so fully, loved so truly.

My husband didn't know what he was doing.  Not unlike the soldiers who crucified my Brother, my husband knew on some level what he was doing.  But he didn't really.  He didn't really KNOW he hit me with a car.
He didn't know he put me in a full body cast and still wanted dinner made.
He didn't know he slaughtered my love.
He didn't know he picked me up in my body cast and dropped me, dropped me, dropped me.

He knew not what he did.
But the Savior knew -the Savior KNOWS.  He is bigger than any missing toe nail, any congestion, any lack of sleep, any cramping, birthing, miscarrying, doubt, fear, trigger, uncertainty, mistrust, hurt, failing, and pain.

He is bigger, MUCH bigger than porn.
He KNOWS what He does.
And what He does so fully, so skillfully, so PERFECTLY... is simply LOVE.
Look what I got in the mail today!   Happy Birthday to me!


  1. Wow Alicia! I am going through the same pain. Miscarriages are tough. I had one in 2009 and another last March. I still feel so broken :(

  2. I love the way you explained the "he knew not what he did" bit. Also, I've already mentioned this, but loving the photo and shirt!

  3. The shirt is amazing! Happy belated birthday! I think this might be my favorite post, ever. Really. I love your description of the hurt your husband caused, It's so impossible to articulate. I love the reminder that HE absolutely does know. He gets it. All of it. Even the stuff that's impossible to articulate that no one could ever understand, the stuff that reaches deep into you and messes you up in ways that seem totally unrelated. He gets it. He has the healing balm.

  4. Beautiful!! Beautifully worded. Beautiful gal. Very true statement on that shirt!