I love getting my hands on something. I love learning by mistakes.
I thoroughly slaughtered my sewing machine. Instead of being mentored on sewing or watching youtube videos, I took my shiny new beginner machine and started going to work. Two years later, I could sew simple projects like rag quilts, aprons, and pajama pants. And then my machine quit on me. Probably because I slaughtered it.
as I said.
I won't even go into what my cooking pans look like, suffice to say I'm a fair cook with ugly, ugly, abused cookware.
But when it comes to something I can't get my hands on... something like relationships, I'm terrified to make mistakes. I don't want to mess up. I don't want to say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, forget the right things, tread on anyone, tamper, hurt, or maim.
BUT I DO.
Why? Because we ALL do. It's part of The Human Experience.
So when I do, I feel shame. I feel awful. I feel like I'm failing.
I am not sleeping well at night, and I'm adjusting to working. My mornings are all spent away from home. My afternoons usually are filled with piano lessons and house cleaning. If there's any way to squeeze any kind of nap in, I will take it.
At the end of one such a day, I was so tired. The older two kids were fighting like crazy.
I left them alone with TV and took a bath. In RS that Sunday, someone had mentioned how important it is to NOT leave our kids in front of the TV just because we are tired. But in my case it was better for both parties to separate.
I soaked in the bath water and listened to my MoTab Pandora station.
When I came out, I found that the kids had disobeyed what I'd asked of them TV-wise. I didn't yell, but I did shame.
It is truly HARD for me to figure out how to NOT shame. I'm still learning how to not shame MYSELF let alone other small people in my care.
"I'm disappointed. I thought I could trust you to do what I ask, but I see now that I can't."
We all got in the car to run an errand, and as we did, the fighting began again. I asked them to please stop and was hit with, "But he, but she, but Mom!"
So I turned the CD up. I keep the kids' Primary Music CD in the car. They love it, and I love listening to them sing along with it.
"If the Savior Stood Beside Me" came blasting through the speakers.
I felt immediate shame. The Savior would not have approved of how I treated my children. If the Savior stood beside me, how would I REALLY act?
I would feel fear. I would feel shame.
I would be SO SCARED OF MAKING MISTAKES, of getting it wrong, of disappointing Him.
This isn't The Way.
I don't understand how to NOT think and behave the way I do. I can't get my hands on relationships, both family, friendly, earthly, and heavenly.
I've got step work to do: handing over work to do.
I want to truly FEEL what it's like to not feel shame anymore, to be okay with making mistakes, to let go of the fear that comes with doing something wrong.
I deserve that life, but more importantly: my kids deserve that Mom.