Monday, February 25, 2013

Chasing the White Rabbit


I remember the first time I heard the word "codependecy."
It sounded SO therapy labelish.  I hated it.  I didn't know what it was, but I was pretty sure I didn't want any part of it.
But I DID want a part of healing, and it turns out I couldn't heal without accepting -once and for all -that I was codependent.

What is codependency?
I've read a few books about it.  But what is codependency to me, personally?

It's Wonderland.

It's leaving real life -real living -reality -and plunging DOWN into a different realm where nothing makes sense.  Everything seems dramatic and hazy.
How did I get there?  I followed The White Rabbit.
Why do I stay there? I'm chasing The White Rabbit.  I've got to find it, ask it where it's going, what it's doing...
The chase is obsessive.  Nothing else matters enough to take precedence.
I come across singing flowers, ugly twins, and a bat-crap-crazy tea party, and I believe I'm going crazy.

At some point -somewhere around meeting a vanishing cat, probably -I want out of Wonderland.
I long for Reality.  I can see clearly in Reality.  There's no smoking caterpillars in Reality.
The White Rabbit isn't worth it.

I try to find a way out, but I can't seem to.  The pathway home is swept away from my sight, and I blunder along in the haze... The White Rabbit never far from my thoughts.  I don't want to think about him.  But I can't seem to stop...

The only true way OUT is to wake up.

Reality is still there, waiting on the other side of Wonderland.
The White Rabbit is not in my Reality.
And though I spent six years chasing him, I've never been more thrilled to lose.  I'm free.  I'm free of the chase.  I'm free of a life trapped in obsession.

The haze is gone, and I can see clearly.
It isn't me that's crazy.
It's Wonderland.

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