Thursday, October 25, 2012

Gentle, Stinging Lessons

The Lord has been teaching me hard things about myself.  He's gently shown me how I fear men more than God.
He's taught me that I've feared my husband more than I have Him.  Incidentally, my husband has feared ME more than his Savior.  He cared more about MY forgiveness than Christ's forgiveness.
We had replaced our Savior with each other, and we hadn't even realized it.

He's taught me the detrimental extent of my vanity.
He's taught me how manipulative I've been.
He's taught me I've been codependent for most of my life -it wasn't something I developed because of my husband's addiction.
He's taught me that I've spent most of my life playing the victim.

He's teaching me WHY I manipulate (without meaning to) and WHY I play the victim and WHY I've been codependent and WHY I'm so blanking vain.

Along the way, he's teaching me about the good in me as well... and thank goodness because if I hadn't been able to see any good in me through all of this, there's no telling what I might do.
Maybe write a one-hit album full of angst and anger and darkness and RAW emotion and then overdose on something-or-other?  Who knows.

This week, through lots of tears and emotions completely amplified by my pregnancy, I have been taught that I'm not here to be seen.
I'm simply here to be faithful, to keep the commandments and develop "take it with you" characteristics.

He has called me to be faithful.
The simplicity of it is freeing.
Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication


  1. I love that true!

    Glad you are finding moments of discovery. The atonement is so beautiful. Reminds me of the process it takes for a caterpillar to turn into a butterfly.


    1. Doing Step 4 has been really revealing for me! I started it a long time ago and it was overwhelming, but as I've sorted through thoughts and emotions, the Savior has slowly taught me what I've needed to learn. It's hard! But I'm grateful.

  2. If this isn't something I need to remember every single day, I don't know what is.

    1. That's cuz we're sisters. (right now I want to fist pump you. or chest bump you or say something like, "recognize" and throw a WoPA sign... by the way: we should created a WoPA sign, right?)