The Lord has been teaching me hard things about myself. He's gently shown me how I fear men more than God.
He's taught me that I've feared my husband more than I have Him. Incidentally, my husband has feared ME more than his Savior. He cared more about MY forgiveness than Christ's forgiveness.
We had replaced our Savior with each other, and we hadn't even realized it.
He's taught me the detrimental extent of my vanity.
He's taught me how manipulative I've been.
He's taught me I've been codependent for most of my life -it wasn't something I developed because of my husband's addiction.
He's taught me that I've spent most of my life playing the victim.
He's teaching me WHY I manipulate (without meaning to) and WHY I play the victim and WHY I've been codependent and WHY I'm so blanking vain.
Along the way, he's teaching me about the good in me as well... and thank goodness because if I hadn't been able to see any good in me through all of this, there's no telling what I might do.
Maybe write a one-hit album full of angst and anger and darkness and RAW emotion and then overdose on something-or-other? Who knows.
This week, through lots of tears and emotions completely amplified by my pregnancy, I have been taught that I'm not here to be seen.
I'm simply here to be faithful, to keep the commandments and develop "take it with you" characteristics.
He has called me to be faithful.
The simplicity of it is freeing.