Monday, October 8, 2012
Barbie Made Me Pray
Before I began recovery, I hated my body. I hated that I had more moles and freckles than I should have. I hated my nose. I hated my small mouth, my farm girl shoulders, my blind-as-a-bat eyes, my short torso...
and the longer I looked in the mirror, the longer the list.
When I hit rock bottom and realized that my husband has an ADDICTION and there's nothing I can do about it... I was so despondent that I gave up on me. I dumped my bathroom mirror for someone more suited my needs: my bed.
While my bed and I were in the honeymoon phase, I used my laptop to research my brains out (threesome, anyone?).
I carefully googled porn addiction recovery success stories.
I ordered books.
I cried, cried, cried.
And somewhere in that mess, my Savior taught me how to love myself.
Now I teach my kids that their freckles and moles are special marks from the angels -they make us all different so the angels can tell us apart (what? like YOU don't lie to children...) and I don't mind my nose. It's my mom's nose. My mom is amazing.
My mouth is my Dad's. My Dad is amazing. I like my mouth.
I earned these shoulders growing up on a farm, hoeing corn at sunrise and branding cattle until sunset. Not just every girl gets shoulders like these bad boys... just hold the shoulder pads, please.
I slowly got the courage to look in the mirror again, and what I found surprised me.
I REALLY LIKED ME. MYSELF.
Suddenly, I WAS ENOUGH for me. Months before, I had thought I wasn't enough. I needed bigger boobs, a smaller waist, slender shoulders, less hair here, more tan there...
Maybe THEN he wouldn't look at other women. Maybe THEN he would only look at me.
I had let Satan completely dupe me into believing that his voice was mine. His lies were truth.
And when I got away from the mirror and turned to the Lord, I was taught a different story entirely... a TRUE story.
I am enough. I am beautiful. I am an amazing, asymmetrical masterpiece with individualized features. Heavenly Father MADE ME.
I'm humbled. I'm grateful. I'm amazed. I'm suddenly realizing that I need to work out -not because I need to be Barbie, but because I need to take care of the GIFT THAT IS MY BODY. I need to eat right because a clean system equals a clear mind -a mind clear to receive revelation from my Father in Heaven.
I didn't mind seeing myself in the mirror when I got out of the shower. I embraced my east/west breast. I became a champion of my natural self!
I ran into Barbie.
You can read a full article on her at Healthy is the New Skinny. The lies resurfaced -I heard myself say that she was beautiful, more beautiful than I would ever be. My husband wanted her. He wanted what she represents: perfection.
My brain sizzled in agony for days... until.
Until the Lord gently placed a filter in my brain, and the next time I heard a voice telling me I wasn't enough, I recognized it wasn't my voice at all. It was a dark, threatening voice -The Father of Lies simply doling out his goodies.
Prayer is so powerful. It is SO powerful.
It is my most powerful weapon -stronger than my combat boots, more rock solid than my helmet, and more constant than any offensive tool I've ever held. It can enlighten, reveal, touch, testify, clarify, peacify, pacify, heal, mend, warn... and banish.
My voice is back again -I found her huddled in the furthest corner of my brain, bound and gagged. She'll need some intense therapy to get back on her feet.
And hey. Wouldn't you know? Prayer will do that too.