Monday, October 8, 2012

Barbie Made Me Pray

Before I began recovery, I hated my body.  I hated that I had more moles and freckles than I should have.  I hated my nose.  I hated my small mouth, my farm girl shoulders, my blind-as-a-bat eyes, my short torso...
and the longer I looked in the mirror, the longer the list.

When I hit rock bottom and realized that my husband has an ADDICTION and there's nothing I can do about it... I was so despondent that I gave up on me.  I dumped my bathroom mirror for someone more suited my needs: my bed.
While my bed and I were in the honeymoon phase, I used my laptop to research my brains out (threesome, anyone?).
I carefully googled porn addiction recovery success stories.
I ordered books.
I journaled.
I read.
I prayed.
I cried, cried, cried.

And somewhere in that mess, my Savior taught me how to love myself.
Now I teach my kids that their freckles and moles are special marks from the angels -they make us all different so the angels can tell us apart (what? like YOU don't lie to children...) and I don't mind my nose.  It's my mom's nose.  My mom is amazing.
My mouth is my Dad's.  My Dad is amazing.  I like my mouth.
I earned these shoulders growing up on a farm, hoeing corn at sunrise and branding cattle until sunset.  Not just every girl gets shoulders like these bad boys... just hold the shoulder pads, please.

I slowly got the courage to look in the mirror again, and what I found surprised me.
Suddenly, I WAS ENOUGH for me.  Months before, I had thought I wasn't enough.  I needed bigger boobs, a smaller waist, slender shoulders, less hair here, more tan there...
Maybe THEN he wouldn't look at other women.  Maybe THEN he would only look at me.
I had let Satan completely dupe me into believing that his voice was mine.  His lies were truth.
And when I got away from the mirror and turned to the Lord, I was taught a different story entirely... a TRUE story.
I am enough.  I am beautiful.  I am an amazing, asymmetrical masterpiece with individualized features.  Heavenly Father MADE ME.
I'm humbled.  I'm grateful.  I'm amazed.  I'm suddenly realizing that I need to work out -not because I need to be Barbie, but because I need to take care of the GIFT THAT IS MY BODY.  I need to eat right because a clean system equals a clear mind -a mind clear to receive revelation from my Father in Heaven.

I didn't mind seeing myself in the mirror when I got out of the shower.  I embraced my east/west breast.  I became a champion of my natural self!

And then.

I ran into Barbie.
You can read a full article on her at Healthy is the New Skinny. The lies resurfaced -I heard myself say that she was beautiful, more beautiful than I would ever be. My husband wanted her. He wanted what she represents: perfection.
My brain sizzled in agony for days... until.
Until the Lord gently placed a filter in my brain, and the next time I heard a voice telling me I wasn't enough, I recognized it wasn't my voice at all. It was a dark, threatening voice -The Father of Lies simply doling out his goodies.
 Prayer is so powerful. It is SO powerful.
It is my most powerful weapon -stronger than my combat boots, more rock solid than my helmet, and more constant than any offensive tool I've ever held. It can enlighten, reveal, touch, testify, clarify, peacify, pacify, heal, mend, warn... and banish.
 My voice is back again -I found her huddled in the furthest corner of my brain, bound and gagged. She'll need some intense therapy to get back on her feet.
And hey. Wouldn't you know? Prayer will do that too.


  1. Alicia, I just love you! You made me laugh and cry today:) I have felt this same exact way these past few month. I have struggled with my self-worth ever since I was a child and it got worse with my husband's addiction.

    I finally prayed and asked the Lord to help me see my worth. I immediately felt the spirit so strongly. I am slowly recognizing that when the negative thoughts come I need to shoo them away quickly.

    Also, as I look at all the barbies out there in the world, I am trying to think of them as daughter's of God too. They do the things they do, because Satan is lying to them as well. It helps me have compassion for them. I do admit I still get angry when I see a woman flaunting her perfect body near my husband. I want to grab her by the hair and give her a good talking, too. I am still a work in progress!!

    1. It's definitely easier to look at the barbies as daughters of God when we're shooing away our own negative thoughts! You're so right!
      The world is just riddled with lust.
      Love you ;)

  2. Barbie is ugly and you are awesome. I think Eve might have been as close as we get to the perfect woman. An intellectual, compassionate, sacrificing mother leading the entire human race into mortality and agency (which happens to be Gods greatest gift). I want to be like her---minus giving birth to the entire human race! haha!

    1. And I bet she had east/west breast too... I mean, they probably didn't have much in the way of bras back then.
      But you're so right -I never thought of Eve in that way, but you've inspired me to study up on her.
      Don't you feel bad for this Russian girl? What's she going to look like in a few years? Can she have kids? Did she have ribs taken out? Is she really, truly happy?

  3. I like that Sparrow - the idea that all of the "Barbie's" out there...and even all of the "addicts" out there are ALL being fed the same lies from the same source! And they are ALL daughters and sons of God. It's actually really sad.

    1. It is -I just love the anti-porn campaign going on right now... the one that it run by a former porn star. I just watched the cheesiest Christian movie on Netflix. A pastor briefly confronts a teenage boy about a pile of dirty magazines he found on the boy's floor.
      "You know those girls are someone's daughter, right?" the pastor asked.
      "Those girls aren't ANYONE'S daughter," the kid insisted.
      Oh, but they are. If only porn addicts could really know that. If only the people who willingly participate IN porn (posing, "acting"...) could really know and believe that as well.