To the Right

I've had this blog for just over a year, but I think it's important to note that I've been blogging for YEARS.  I mean, I've been blogging since before it was cool (hello, 2005).  I still blog.  I have a family blog that I used to blog daily on, but I've quit lately because.
Because I've been writing THIS blog.  Through all of this -and by "this" I mean years and years of writing intimate details about my husband and our glass-house living, my husband never touched the stuff.

Until now.

So... to the right (your right).  Under my picture... 

Look out, world.  I'm contagious.  I wonder if I can get him to take up crochet?  Joking, babe.  Mostly joking.

 

Rest Stops

Trickle disclosures are like Chinese Water Torture.  They hit the same nerve again and again and again...  At first, I appreciated the honesty, but after a few I'd had enough.

"I just want to hear it all at once."
Because, as we all know, having a bucket of cold water thrown on your face is much better than Chinese Water Torture.  Or something.

This morning I sat on my bed next to my husband and he threw a figurative bucket of water on my face while our therapist watched via webcam.  At the end of it, we didn't hug.  I didn't tell him I appreciated his honesty.  Instead, I fixed my eyes on the keyboard of my lap top and thought about my past.  My memories.  They were all very real to me -my realities.

But in one swift hour, they were stolen.  Remember Whoville?  And the Grinch?  And how he slithered and slunk?  My husband's addiction slithered and slunk like a thief in the night and stole my past.  What I thought was... wasn't.

Up to this point, I thought I was dealing with loss.  That's why I was sad.  When we lose something, we are sad.  I've lost insignificant things and I've lost very significant things... and each time I've learned something.  I've learned along the way how to deal with loss.  The grieving process, tissues, family, love, Christ.

Through this whole addiction recovery process, I've been going through "loss" emotions.  Lost hopes, lost dreams... but today I experienced something more than loss.  Loss was there, YES.  But it was sort of distant.  I'm pretty much through grieving the loss I've experienced at the hands of addiction.
But standing in front of Loss was a robber, a thief, a Sex Addiction Grinch.
I woke up today.  I walked out into my memories and I found bare walls riddled with crumbs much too small for the other Whos' mouses.

I feel violated.
I feel like I can't trust anyone but myself.
I feel trespassed on.

As my husband laid it all out on the line, I listened to him tell me what my past was REALLY and thievery aside, I felt a comforting sort of validation next to righteous indignation.

All of those times I thought I was crazy, I wasn't.
All of those times I thought something was wrong with me, there wasn't.
All of those times I went against my better judgement, I shouldn't have because I KNEW what was right.

I knew.  I KNEW.
I regret second guessing.  I regret not staying true to myself.

I CAN trust myself because I KNOW.  I can trust GOD because HE KNOWS.
I don't trust my husband.  More than I didn't trust him yesterday.  But I don't have to worry about that.

As I shifted my fixed gaze from the computer keyboard to some vague spot on our bedroom wall, I wanted rest.  So I stretched out on the bed.
And there.  There on my bed it came to me... what I really wanted.
Ready?
It's cancer.  The terminal kind.  The kind that makes it easy to set affairs in order, to make sure the right songs are sung at my funeral and the right people get my jewelry.  The kind that gives me time to write letters to my kids to be opened at later dates.  The kind that give my husband the golden opportunity to finally have sex with someone hotter.  The kind that give my children a better mother: one who gives regular baths and serves three meals a day (it's harder than it seems, okay?).  And the kind that gives me a wonderful escape -one that leads me right back into the safe arms of my Savior.
And people would pray for me and my children.  People would know I was hurting.

This afternoon I sit in a pool of reality, and it's murky.  I really hate it.

The Murky Pool is a rest stop.  on a long, uphill climb. on the side of a steep mountain.  Behind me lies darker days where I couldn't see what was REALLY around me.  Looking ahead, I see exactly what I have to deal with.
For that, I'm grateful.  To my husband?  Double edged answer.  Yes?  and No.


December 13th, 2013
Dear Diary,
Today I faced a Grinch in a Murky Pool.  And it sucked.

Everyone in The Murky Pool wants out.  It's the worst rest stop in the history of histories.  Cancer is a way out because it kills you.  The other way out of the Murky Pool is surrender.

I can surrender my anger, my husband's past sins.  It doesn't feel natural to stand on the edge of The Murky Pool, arms outstretched, cold wind blowing my wet body.
Jumping is scary.
Jumping is so scary.

So I fall instead.  I close my eyes and tell Him I can't handle this.  And I fall.
And just before I scream out of sheer terror, His loving arms lift me up and cradle me.  And I find The Ultimate Rest Stop.  I'm cleansed from The Murky.  I'm polished, dressed, refined.  When it's time, He puts me back on the path and I begin the climb again.

I know that as I climb, His arms will ALWAYS be there and I will jump off most every cliff.  Some days I will dive, some days I will jump, some days I will muster a fall.

But the fact of the matter is that there is simply parts of the path -like The Murky Pool -that are not meant to be traversed.  It was never my job to ramble and stew around the murk until I figured out how to clean it.  It's only my job to surrender it to God.

Here am I.
Arms outstretched.
Murk dripping from my body.

Lord, are you ready?

 

The Me in Me

In high school, I tried so hard to be accepted.  I looked around at what other kids wore and liked and tired SO HARD to mirror it.

How I longed -physically ACHED -to be like the quiet kid in the corner who dressed normal and talked a normal amount and got normal grades.  He blended in perfectly.

Because my parents owned a farm and leased ranching property and ran a mechanic shop, I earned my own money for everything.  This meant I couldn't be like other kids.

Other kids wore brand new Calvin Klein and I wore Wal-Mart or Good Will or (heaven forbid anyone from school see me in it...) Wrangler.

But I can only try so hard for so long to stifle the me inside of me before I hit rock bottom and embrace the me in me.
Rock Bottom back then hit me my junior year.  Around that time I gave up on Calvin Klein ($30 for a shirt that your brother shrinks in the dryer! Forget it) and I started learning to really love thrift shopping.
Did you know that I can't coordinate or match?  I don't understand it.  So I bought what stood out to me which means I bought stuff that stood OUT.  The more color, the more I liked it, the more I wore it.
I started paying VERY CLOSE attention to the me in me.
She would guide me in every decision -what to order, what to wear, where to walk.  She liked Weezer and The Judds and Sublime and Reba.  She hated techno and Anime.  She loved old western ANYthing and took a crazy amount of joy in raiding her Dad's closet (because, guys, he wore western clothes in the 70s and saved them.  Isn't that the greatest gift EVER?).
She loves anything made before 1982 and actually prefers if it's been previously owned.  She pours over old pictures at antique shops.

And -at the risk of coming across as a haughty mess -I really like her.  I like giving her her way.

A few years later, I was married (moment of silence for the fact that juniors in high school are quite possibly only a few years from marriage.  What the HECK?!).  As I lived the married way, The Me in Me was put aside, ignored and eventually trampled.
She's a fighter -I'll give her that.  She never once left or was completely silent.  She was always there.

I don't want to do this.
You shouldn't do that.
Choose this.
NO, Alicia.
YES, Alicia.

But I went against her.  And when I did, She let me know.
When I didn't give her her way, I felt betrayal -SELF-betrayal.  But I didn't know what to do with it because I was lost.  I didn't know how to give her her way anymore.  I didn't know how to stand up and say, "This is what I'm going to do."

FEAR. 

CONFUSION.

Just like my junior year of high school, I hit another sort of rock bottom.  This rock bottom was harder, colder, lonelier, and meaner.
But she was there.

Go call your brother.
Go get a blessing.
Go see the Bishop.

I put my fingers to the keyboard and let her type.  I print out her words.  I read them to my husband.

And this is how it starts: I begin writing scripts by putting my hands to the keyboard.  She lets her words out and I read them.  I rehearse them.  I pray for courage and then I read them.  I write out scripts for every situation I can think of.  I let her write my boundaries.  I only poise my fingers over the keyboard -She does the work.  The words-on-paper give me strength.  I memorize them and use them when she starts feeling uncomfortable, offended or unsafe.
It is a forced relationship... one in which I have to be very aware of.

She and I hammered on that way for a long time.  Her voice, my words. 
And then one day She came out without the keyboard in the way.  Her voice, my voice.  A boundary was set and enforced without a paper carrier... it just came out.

Our forced relationship resumed it's natural state and I found myself once again basking in giving her what she asks for -our playground is The Land of the Previously Owned and we find joy in simplicity, in children, and in music.  When I feel uncomfortable, I don't need my script anymore.  When I feel unsafe, I don't need a previously determined plan.  I simply SAY it and then DO SOMETHING about it.
Honesty and Can-Do... it's Her way.

She's stronger than I am right now, but I take heart in her voice, taking courage in knowing inside of me... is Me.

Anti-Fragile

A few days ago, I read a post that hasn't left my thoughts.  Here's why:

  

In other words, being resilient is good.  But being anti-fragile is really living.  

As I read the article in it's entirety, I was fascinated.  I highly highly recommend taking a few minutes (it's a little long, but I promise it's worth the read) and reading the article.  It will inspire you to pay off debt and plan for life to hit you with it's best shot.

You'll no longer be fazed by flat tires and traffic delays.

You'll use your spending money for your on-the-side job... you know, the one that involves a little piece of your hopes and dreams.

Your year supply will increase.

Okay, I can't make any guarantees, but as the wife of a porn addict I will definitely say this much: I'm shooting for Hydra Status.

And Life?  Go ahead and chop me.  Chop me and see what happens.

Lehi's Dream and Recovery -a Post by Danny

 Alicia's note: My husband came to me and asked if he could post a little on my blog, and I thenceforth because the most excited girl in addiction blogland.

This is me... handing off the mic.

Hello everyone, my name is Danny...This is where you all say, "Hi Danny." Little 12-step humor there :-D

Anyway, I recently read Lehi's dream in the Book of Mormon and after reading it felt prompted to share what came to me. I don't know why I'm supposed to share it but felt strongly that I should.

 

(via nealmd.com)

When I read the story of Lehi's dream it seemed to apply to addiction. I had not ever really thought of this applying to addiction, but as I recently read the story and thought about it, it seems so clear. Let me give a back story first...

In the story, Lehi is met by an angel and is asked to follow him. As Lehi follows the angel, he eventually finds himself in a "dark and dreary waste." Lehi said he was in this place "for the space of many hours." At this point, Lehi realizes he'd better ask for the Lord's help. He said he asked that the Lord would have mercy on him. As Lehi puts his trust in the Lord and asks for his help, he sees a "large and spacious field." Lehi says while in the field, he beheld a tree. He says that he could see that this tree had fruit "whose fruit was desirable to make one happy."

Lehi doesn't hesitate. He says:

"And it came to pass that I did go forth and partake of the fruit thereof; and I beheld that it was most sweet, above all that I ever before tasted. Yea, and I beheld that the fruit thereof was white, to exceed all the whiteness that I had ever seen. And as I partook of the fruit thereof it filled my soul with exceedingly great joy; wherefore, I began to be desirous that my family should partake of it also; for I knew that it was desirable above all other fruit." 

The next thing Lehi wants is for his family to partake and he immediately looks for them. He sees a river of water and sees Nephi, Sariah, and Sam standing at the head of the river. Lehi calls to them to come and partake and they do. He sees Laman and Lemuel and likewise calls out to them but they do not come to partake of the fruit.

Lehi further describes the iron rod and straight and narrow path that led to the tree. He also describes the mist of darkness that arises and the great and spacious building. He describes those who became lost in the mist, those who partook of the fruit but felt ashamed because they were scorned by those who were in the building, and those who partook of the fruit and stayed despite the scorning.

  

(via lds.org)

We then learn in 1Nephi 11 that Nephi wants to know the meaning of what his father saw. Nephi is shown the tree and also tells of the beauty of the tree. He tells the spirit that he wants to know the "interpretation" of the tree. Nephi is shown the birth of the Savior and after seeing His birth, is asked if he knows the meaning of the tree. Nephi responds, "Yea, it is the love of God, which sheddeth itself abroad in the hearts of the children of men; wherefore, it is the most desirable above all things." Nephi is shown the ministry of the Savior and is told that the iron rod is the word of God which leads to the fountain of living water or the tree of life both of which represented the love of God.

Finally Nephi is shown the baptism of Christ, He saw more of His ministry, and the miracles he performed. He saw the the twelve apostles of the Savior, and is also shown the judgment and crucifixion of Christ. After this we learn that the meaning of the building is the pride of the world -that this pride fights against the Savior and His servants. The angel tells Nephi that the pride of the world would eventually fall and great would be that fall.

Now you're probably wondering when I am going to get to how this relates to recovery. Truth be told the part that came to me the strongest came in the first part of this vision but as I have studied it further, more has come so bear with me here I'm finally getting to it. :)

To me, this relates to addiction in a very real way. All of us in the recovery world, whether the addict or a family member of someone in addiction, have traveled in that dark and dreary waste. Many, like Lehi did with the angel, have tried to follow the Lord and do what's right. The addict is asking "I'm trying to do what's right, why can't I stay away from this?" The family member is asking "I'm trying to do what's right, why is this happening to me?"

While in the dark and dreary waste, we eventually reach a point where turning to the the Lord is the only option we have if we want out of the wasteland we find ourselves in. When I found the 12 steps and began to work them, I started to find answers. Although it may took some time and a LOT of prayer, eventually the Lord gives me clarity as He did Lehi. I was able to see clearly where I needed go in order to get out of the dreary waste and into recovery.

Think back to what Lehi said after he was taken from the dark and dreary waste. He said that he beheld a large and spacious field. When I read this I pictured in my mind's eye: Lehi coming out of a thick forest to a large and spacious field. I thought about how difficult it is to see while in the thick of the trees and how easy it is to see everything when in the clearing. I also pictured myself in Lehi's shoes coming to that same clarity. As I have clung to and incorporated the words of recovery, (which are essentially the words of the Savior), I have begun to taste of it's fruits.

When this happens, truly happens, our souls are filled with inexplicable joy. It is everything that we longed for for so long!!! It is every bit as beautiful as described by Nephi. We finally are able to find peace. We begin to feel of God's inexplicable love for us. Which I have personally begun to experience.

Now this DOES NOT mean it's over. To me recovery, like living the gospel, is not something that is arrived at or something we just get. It is something that must continually be worked at. The farther we get in recovery, the more the Lord will teach us. We may have read the 12 steps a million times. Doesn't matter, the Lord can still teach us if we are willing. Do you know how many times I've heard this particular story? A LOT!!! And yet, the Lord thought me something new here. The addict and the family member alike will have to cling to the iron rod to stay on the straight and narrow path of recovery.
 

(via ldswomenofgod.com)

Like Lehi, when we taste of the fruits of recovery , we want the same for those we know who are addicted or affected by a loved one's addiction. We may call out to them and they may be like Nephi, Sariah, and Sam and come and partake, or they may be like Lamen and Lemuel and ignore us. They may even be like those in the spacious building and their pride may get in the way of their need for recovery. I think I was, to some extent, in that building... thinking recovery was for those who were really sick, thinking my addiction was only a little problem that I could overcome on my own. But like in Lehi's dream, my pride fell, and in my world, great was the fall of it.

Lastly we may even experience ridicule from those in that building. It may be family members or friends. It may be those who we reach out to who we KNOW need recovery. It may be those who have sought our help or advice. My prayer is that we will NOT be ashamed but will stay strong and cling to the Savior.

I hope that this makes sense. It seemed so clear to me when I read it. I guess because to me, the way that it is explained in Nephi as it pertains to the gospel, and the way it was revealed to me as it pertains to recovery, are one and the same. Because to me the gospel and recovery are one in the same.

It the Savior who heals us in both aspects of our lives.

 

(via mormonmatters.org)

Alicia's note: From here on out, should Danny choose to share anything else, you will be able to find all of his posts under the label "Danny" in my purdy little label cloud to our right. And just so you know, you should encourage him to write more.  again.  and more.

Happy Hatchet Day

 

Grateful for you.

Grateful for God.

Grateful for family.

Grateful for hatchets.

Fire

A few months ago, I was sitting in the Temple when I blessed to see in my mind's eye a block of fire.  The flames weren't wild and untamed, rather they were uniform, every angle of the square block plainly visible.  I could see myself walking toward the fire.  I entered it, and I did not thrash -I walked boldly, slowly forward.  As I did, my outer layers were burned away.  I emerged from the block of fire a shining, gleaming core of refined, precious metal.

I've often thought of that experience as I've traversed these past few months.  It was a direct message from God -sent before it was vitally necessary. 

These past few weeks have been so hard on me.  Satan is working overtime.  The Lord is making His awareness of me plainly seen -He HAS to, otherwise I'd fall.  I'd be crushed under the blackness of demons.  But God is in my life -in the details, in the decisions, in the dark of night when I'm alone, and in the brightness of day when three children look to me for validation and love.

His message is loud and clear, "I AM HERE AND I KNOW YOU INTIMATELY."
It matches Satan's exactly.

For the past few weeks, the message coming over the Sunday pulpit has been "Hasten the Work."  The Stake President is saying it, the Bishop is saying it, the Sunday School Teachers, the Relief Society teachers, and I hunker behind the piano or organ and think about what I don't have to offer.
I haven't been visiting teaching in months.
I haven't been as present for my Mom as I should be (she just had surgery on her knee).
The babysitter bathed my daughter and clipped her nails because I hadn't.
I've missed the birthdays of people I dearly care about.
I haven't sent a single package to my sister since she moved away.

The list of my failings goes on.

During these past three weeks, I have forgotten that I'm walking boldly through a block of fire.  I'm not stooping or bending or looking behind me to see if someone needs a casserole... my eyes are pressed firmly forward.  My spine straight, my shoulders back, my head up.

I can't help but feel that when the Lord sends his message of "Hasten" He is speaking directly to and about His people.  Baptisms are important, yes!  But coming fully unto Christ OURSELVES -that is hastening in it's finest form.

As I look around me, I can see many, many of the people I love dearly (but apparently forget to send cards to when they age a year) being refined with FIRE.  This isn't a slow process.  It is HASTENING.  The Lord is hastening His work and calling on His people to draw near unto Him with full hearts and purpose written upon their souls.
Many of His precious children are afflicted, and He issues an invitation to healing -His infinite incomprehensible Atonement.  The 12-step program and education on addiction have led me personally to it, line upon line.  I can choose to take it or to leave it. 
Taking it means fire.  Taking it means tears.  Taking it means burned off layers.

Taking it means LIVING.

A few months ago, a sweet brother stood at the pulpit and tied his pornography addiction into the message of his talk.
And there before me stood a MAN, a man on fire, a man shedding layers, a living breathing Adam -his progress hastening before my very eyes.

The Lord has a job for each of us to do, and He will prepare us in His precious fire, in His own precious time.

I can rest in the Lord, knowing that I am being hastened.
I have chosen to live.