I read my Step 4 to my sponsor today.
I expected and anticipated a gigantic vulnerability hangover, and what I got instead was... a big, gigantic bear hug from God in the form of a tender mercy.
My counselor likes the apostle, Peter, and I do too. I really relate to Peter -He loved God so much but was still mortal and still messed up even though he hated screwing up more than he hated Satan (which was a lot. Is a lot? I don't know how this all work, tense-wise).
My counselor showed me a picture of Peter in the water he so infamously fell into (I wonder if Peter ever gets fed up with having his screw ups published in the Bible FOREVER and ALL TIME) and he said, "When we have the courage to step out of the boat, God has tender mercies waiting for us."
That's a brave statement.
Because what if I let go of fear and then FALL FLAT? What if God forgets about me and I drown? It's completely possible.
But hearing Jed say it... I don't know, something MOVED inside of me and I thought maybe I could give it a try. You know, LATER. I took it slow, but as I put my pen to paper and began writing out my Step 4 for the second time in my little life, I found that my Step 4 was already done. I'd been thinking about it, God had pointed things out to me without me really realizing it in the moment, and my Step 4 poured out of me. It's kind of gross writing out weaknesses because then I NOTICE them all of the time.
Oh, look, I'm being selfish again.
Oh, look! I let fear be the boss again.
Dang it... there I go, feeling like a victim and strategically planning manipulation tactics...
But I showed up and I DID IT. It took an hour and a half of phone time, and a lot of multi-tasking because of a little toddler repeating, "I NEED YOU!" and "HONEY, HONEY, HONEY!" over and over (seriously irresistible, okay?).
After it was done, I went right into teaching a piano lesson and then I read a book to my daughter. We played with stickers. I helped my son. I relaxed a little before attending Enrichment, and you know what? I didn't THINK EVEN ONCE about my inventory or what my sponsor thought of me, and that's a huge miracle in my life.
Enrichment ended up being surprising sacred tonight.
I had a sacred experience that taught me and reminded me about Christ's love for me. Please listen as I report:
My husband was my God. I LOVE other people, and it is SO EASY for me to make them my center. I, Alicia, needed someone to RIP that trust to shreds, to sabotage it so fully that I didn't turn to any other mortal. I needed to turn to God, and since I would not do it voluntarily (I thought I had been and in so doing had allowed my pride to blind me to reality. A sort of, "I'm all good and OTHER PEOPLE need God now" attitude), I had to be compelled.
I know now that Christ's love is beyond words. I wonder if there are emotions in heaven that mortals simply aren't capable of -and I feel as if Christ's love holds secret emotions that have no mortal word to do them justice.
Christ's love for Alicia is patient... endlessly patient. His hunger and passion for me will wait for as long as it takes -a lifetime and more. He DESIRES me. He SEES me. He sees me in my entirety: my potential and my weaknesses, my character and my temptations, my worries and my joys, my likes and hates. He takes it all in and accepts it ALL, loves it ALL, embraces me WHERE I'M AT. He is gentle with me because He knows me intimately. He knows I'm sensitive. And He guards me FIERCELY. His love is protective. Is it possible to be loved like this? To be loved by a warrior for peace?
Am I worthy?
I'm logging on tonight (this morning?) to simply report that
I AM WORTHY
Because I AM.
Someday I'll look into Christ's eyes and I will match His passion for me with my passion for Him and stand mystified that a love so remarkably deep can be void of sexual inclinations.
In S-anon we read that in our faulty beliefs, we felt sex was the most important sign of love. And in my faulty belief system, I still fight that old pattern. It's infuriating and confusing to have my heart at war with my head, but it is necessary for change to occur, and I need change almost more than I need air.
I stand all amazed for me.
I stand all amazed for you.
I stand all amazed that there can be such a love as Christ's.
May this Christmas season bring about a taste of that love in your life is my prayer this very early morning.