Tuesday, November 25, 2014

No Filter

I have to be fully honest here about what's gone on the last few weeks.

I've had to log off online media because it's triggering my hopelessness in mankind. 
The sweet girls who just graduated high school and who attend church faithfully who are living double lives they don't think anyone else can't see... but we can.  On facebook, I can see a double life.  When you're checking my groceries and I look into your eyes, I KNOW.  I know about the pictures online, the offers to make videos, the sexting.  As much as I learn about sex addiction, I'm surprised that I'M STILL SURPRISED at who this addiction is touching.

I read articles that really downplay the spouse's pain -as if we simply need to forgive or get divorced.  Sex addiction is not cut and dry.  It isn't clear or easy.  It's predictable, so I'll give it that.

I can't read another article about loss or death right now -there's SO MANY painful stories.  There's so many in need of money, love, time, and help.

I don't want to see Kim Kardashian's oily butt on my newsfeed.

I don't want to see articles about how schools are teaching safe sex to 5th graders.

I don't want to be enraged or hit with pain or cry over situations I can't control anymore.

I had to log off.  I HAD TO.  I feel things SO DEEPLY I exhaust and annoy myself.  My counselor suggested I look into gaining education on being a highly sensitive person, and while I definitely am highly sensitive when it comes to FEELING EMOTIONS, I am not sensitive in any other way.  I thrive with noise and crowds.  I don't mind smells (when I'm not pregnant).

I'm needing a lot of help these days, and I hate that.  I've spent SO MANY YEARS just being TOUGH.  I've dealt with this addiction for TEN YEARS.  I've handled it.  I've managed.  I've been treading water, keeping my head just above the surface -taking on the world and doing it well, then feeling immediately resentful of everyone asking me to do ANYTHING.  I turn from empowerment to victim repeatedly.  It's a dysfunctional cycle that serves me well, and I'm productive and fruitful from the outward glances.

God doesn't want me treading on the water.  He wants me walking on it -toward Him, toward everything that is serene and calm... rising above the murky water.

He's taking sweet care of me, and it's overwhelming.  I feel like a starving, freezing pioneer out on the plains in the throws of a sacred rescue effort.  My life and salvation JUST MIGHT be saved simply on the prayers of those faithful, amazing people who love and care deeply for me. 

I've been given food, house cleaning, clothes, listening ears and love.  God has POURED out support and all at once I feel grateful and weak -I've never been such a charity case before.  I pray that God will call on me to send out to rescue someday that I might use whatever means necessary to build up and support those who have NOTHING left in them but the will to do The Next Right Thing that God has for them to do... to be able to serve them, feed them, and help them fully without judgement.

God is taking special care of me.
I don't know why, and as I do my step 4 inventory and make a list of my weaknesses, I REALLY don't know why.  I am prideful and undeserving.

Surely I don't need the turkey my neighbor gave me -surely if I just managed my own life better I could provide for MYSELF and someone else MORE IN NEED could benefit from the turkey *tread tread tread*
Surely I don't need house cleaning help.
Surely I don't need a box full of gifts for my children from a Secret Santa. 
*tread tread tread*

I have taken, taken, taken.  God has given, given, given. 
I am not worthy -I have done NOTHING TO EARN THIS, and God has taken me in His arms and simply said, "Alicia, you don't have to manage the world's pain anymore.  You don't have to read articles that hurt, you don't have to serve the world... you just have to heal.  And you are hurting deeply right now.   But you're being brave.  You're choosing to hurt on the way to healing because THAT'S what healing takes... it takes you putting down your Cape of Toughness and putting on my cloak of meekness and letting yourself FEEL, HURT, and HEAL.  So heal, daughter.  I'm patient.  I love you simply because you are mine.  Your worth is beyond measure simply because you are you.  Rest.  Let me furnish your turkey.  You have healing to do.  Come, follow me."

You guys, I am speechless and overwhelmed.
God is so good and He knows me.  ME.  And I am small! 

So don't give up.
Keep going.  Keep reaching for The Next Right Thing.
Thy pain and afflictions shall be but for a moment.

Stop treading and rise above the water.  Christ is there, waiting for you to choose Him.


  1. I had a similar experience Sunday. I'd written my stake president an email with no response. I had held off weird feelings (tread, tread!!) about not hearing back, but Sunday I woke up in despair. I really felt abandoned. Heavenly Father knew that I needed acknowledgement from the SP, right???... A couple of hours later, I checked my email. The answer--not from the stake president, but the approval of the request I had written to him about. I was floored by the return of the spirit and the feeling of love that I felt from Heavenly Father. It was wonderful!

  2. This post is exactly what I needed today - I've been super triggered by everything online too. I've been treading. Tears are streaming down my face, your words have helped another WoPA today. Thank you.