You know what my triggers are like? They're little events that flip on a little switch that illuminate an ENTIRE ROOM FULL of related bologna.
After I double-sneezed a few days ago, my 5 year old son raised his eyebrows, "Mom, do you have issues?"
Yes, son. But you'll learn more about that when I pay for your therapy in 15 or 20 years.
I want so desperately to feel safe in my marriage. I want so desperately to feel safe... period. I don't want to stifle my hunger for safety and security because I believe it's natural and wonderful to need it. A life without that desire seems kind of, well, scary and cold and something that creeps in the alley of a Tim Burton film.
The thing is: when I'm around other men I feel safe with, my brain takes hold and goes to places I seriously hate... I hate that they're there, I hate that I feel them, I hate that I GO TO THEM.
I just kneel and say, "God, I have these feelings where I WANT safety with this person, and I ended up listening to that old song and facebook searching for that old boyfriend, and although I hate that I'm feeling and thinking these things, the fact of the matter is... I AM."
I then call my sponsor who says, "You're human."
HUMAN.
What a thing to be.
I can deny it all I want, but at the end of the day -no matter what mirror I'm looking in -I'm human. I'm a hurt human, a funny human, a human who hurts other humans, a flawed human, a lovely human with lovely imperfections, a human with needs.
And I need safety.
My body needs safety.
My brain, my soul, my ME needs security.
I can find it all when I turn myself over to God which is both exhilarating and terrifying, one of those "so glad I did it even though I didn't want to" kind of experiences.
Like cliff jumping?
beautiful.
ReplyDeleteGod is amazing how he works. I had a major trigger yesterday. I had a doctors appointment yesterday with a dermatologist that I never been to before. As I was getting closer to the address, I realized that it was in the same medical building where my husband met his affair partner and I'm pretty sure she still works there. I thought, I can't go in there, but than I got this strength and I was determined to take care of myself and go to my doctors appointment. It was surreal as I walked from the parking lot to the building and waited for the elevator. Would I run into to her, even though she works for a different doctor and works on another floor. Oh yeah, I don't really know what she looks like, but I have a vague description from my husband and a picture on the doctors website that could be her? As I got into the elevator I felt strong and empowered, I can deal with truth and face things head on, its just the secrets and the unknown that makes me crazy. Being in the same medical building was like visiting the scene of the crime. I felt like I was facing my demon after 2 1/2 years of being afraid to look under the bed and face the monster that has lived with me since January 2012. I made it through my doctors appointment without any major trigger. I actually had this strange peace as I sat there and looked around the doctors office, picturing the office she works in and where my husband went to twice a week for a foot injury. I got on the elevator to go down to the parking lot, drove to the market and got food for dinner, drove home, walked through the front door and than the triggers hit me when I saw my husband. Thank you for your blog, it's always spot on to what I'm going though and is my life line to sanity!
ReplyDeleteI like to listen to the song "Human" by Christina Perri. I just feel it so much. It reminds me that it's okay to cry and bleed when I fall down, and that I can get back up and it will all be okay.
ReplyDeleteI love the sneeze story :)
Love you!