Saturday, April 12, 2014

Feelin' the Burn

How long ago was the disclosure?  the one where he told me everrrrrrything?
Today it April 12.  December 13th was the Big Disclosure Day.  So that's?   4 months?

I keep feeling like I should be doing better.  I shouldn't be so angry or depressed or whatever.

But you know how it feels when you lose something or someone?  It stings and hurts for DAYS afterward.  It gets a little easier with time, but there's some days where something as simple as a song triggers that wave of deep emotion and suddenly your Thursday is thrown in the wastebasket and you're curled up in your pajamas with comfort food and a pile of pillows.

As the months roll by, the emotions are getting easier.  But some days... words, a song, a circumstance throw me for a loop and I feel sad.  or depressed.  or ANGRY.
I still don't know quite what to do with anger.  It's such a foreign emotion to me.  I'm sort of wading through uncharted territories with it.
Do I write?
Do I scream?
Do I drive outside of town with a wooden baseball bat and tell a tree what I'm feeling?

Yesterday I felt that awful fire encased carefully in my ribcage -the kind that makes you want to scream and cry and take a million showers to put it out.

Trying to yoga it out or bath it out proved impossible.  My thoughts were crazy, whirling out of control...

So I fought that fire with... fire.
For the first time since beginning recovery, I burned something to cleanse it OUT of my life.
I took my workout DVDs -the ones that make me feel shame and hideous and shame and hideous and less than and lazy and hate hate hate -and I burned them.
I set holy fire to them.

As I watched the flame, I remembered how much I used to love fire baptisms... how I'd taken fire to anything I cared to get rid of in my younger days.  Ex-boyfriend pictures?  burned.  Small gifts from people who hurt me deeply?  burned.

Yesterday I rediscovered how healing fire is for me.

I have an entire bag full of things I'm ready to part with... not all addiction related, but all definitely demons I'm facing and that have reared their ugly heads since starting recovery.

I'm saving them for another chest fire.


  1. I love burning things. It's very cleansing.

  2. Good for you, girl. I'm sorry you are having a hard time. You are strong!

  3. This is my first time commenting on this blog.
    I'm actually kind of nervous at this historic occasion, but here goes--
    I am SO glad you were able to fight fire with fire. I sometimes think we cowgirls are born pyros.
    Sure love you. Sorry you were feeling triggered yesterday.

    1. I rearry like it when you comment. Fighting fire with fire -YES. Double YES!

  4. I love that you're burning things! I burned a journal today then I read your blog post and found a few more things to burn :) You went to Camp Scabs, didn't you? I just went and I feel like we would have been fast friends if we would have been at the same one!!

    1. I did go! It's been almost a year since then -I can't believe it! I'm so glad you got to go, and YES I bet we'd be buds! Buds with torches!! haha