How long ago was the disclosure? the one where he told me everrrrrrything?
Today it April 12. December 13th was the Big Disclosure Day. So that's? 4 months?
I keep feeling like I should be doing better. I shouldn't be so angry or depressed or whatever.
But you know how it feels when you lose something or someone? It stings and hurts for DAYS afterward. It gets a little easier with time, but there's some days where something as simple as a song triggers that wave of deep emotion and suddenly your Thursday is thrown in the wastebasket and you're curled up in your pajamas with comfort food and a pile of pillows.
As the months roll by, the emotions are getting easier. But some days... words, a song, a circumstance throw me for a loop and I feel sad. or depressed. or ANGRY.
I still don't know quite what to do with anger. It's such a foreign emotion to me. I'm sort of wading through uncharted territories with it.
Do I write?
Do I scream?
Do I drive outside of town with a wooden baseball bat and tell a tree what I'm feeling?
Yesterday I felt that awful fire encased carefully in my ribcage -the kind that makes you want to scream and cry and take a million showers to put it out.
Trying to yoga it out or bath it out proved impossible. My thoughts were crazy, whirling out of control...
So I fought that fire with... fire.
For the first time since beginning recovery, I burned something to cleanse it OUT of my life.
I took my workout DVDs -the ones that make me feel shame and hideous and shame and hideous and less than and lazy and hate hate hate -and I burned them.
I set holy fire to them.
As I watched the flame, I remembered how much I used to love fire baptisms... how I'd taken fire to anything I cared to get rid of in my younger days. Ex-boyfriend pictures? burned. Small gifts from people who hurt me deeply? burned.
Yesterday I rediscovered how healing fire is for me.
I have an entire bag full of things I'm ready to part with... not all addiction related, but all definitely demons I'm facing and that have reared their ugly heads since starting recovery.
I'm saving them for another chest fire.