Saturday, March 1, 2014

Sex as Love

Sex is the most important sign of love.

I've believed that line for ages -long before I ever met and married Danny.

Yesterday, I met up for a few blissful hours with one of my college buddies.  It seems kind of inaccurate to describe her that way since -while we were music majors together and spent hours upon hours upon HOURS together through those years -we didn't spend much time together outside of classes.

I thought she had it together... when it came to studying intervals in music theory, they made sense to her.  Me?  I took my workbook home and cried over each interval, wishing I were her.
After graduation, we slowly began bonding online: facebook, my family blog, her family blog... and now we keep in close touch and I count her as one of dearests.
(That's a thing, right?)

As we talked yesterday with little children running around our ankles, she told me how she'd viewed me in college.  She said things like "confident" and "cool."
And -because I can be rude without meaning to be -I laughed out loud and confessed that she just didn't know me at all REALLY back then because if she did, she would have known the truth.

The truth being: I was a reject.

As I thought about this last night and this morning, I came to wrap my mind completely around something that's been in the back of my mind for a few months:

Sex is the most important sign of love.

I believed in high school that I wasn't loved unless I had attention from boys.  In college, I felt worthless because I didn't have boys asking me out as much as I'd like.
Really, what would that number look like?  Three dates a week?  Even that wouldn't have been enough.  Nothing would have.

I base (present tense, because I'm still working on this) my worth on my looks, my value as a sexual being rather than a Godly heir.

I tell myself over and over, "I am more than my body."  It's a mantra I chant when I feel the urges of my mortal skin yanking at my soul.
I am more than my body.  This life is about MORE than what my body wants, whether that's food, attention, control, or WHATEVER.

My friend from college had love to offer me -she had a connection to give, acceptance bounding from her!  And while I did hold some value for a relationship such as she would have offered me, I didn't see it as THE MOST important.
So I focused on boys, on my looks, my clothes.  I didn't run deeper than sex.

And then I married a sex addict (*cue circus music*).

I wanted him to show me love which meant I wanted him to sexually accept me which... well, we know how that story ended up.

There are times where I feel acceptance of myself and love myself TRULY for who I am, what I have to offer, and everything I've done.

And then there's times like these: times of lows and downs where I'm so vulnerable that everyday is battle.  Everyday I have to use my dailies and bottom lines to remind myself that

I am more than my body.
I am a Child of God.
Sex is NOT the most important sign of love.
Sex is NOT the most important sign of love.
Love really has nothing to do with what my body has to offer.

Love is something far deeper than skin -the most powerful force on earth that causes mothers to lift cars, fathers to jump into freezing water to rescue!  It welds families together, drives individuals to higher planes.  It inspires, lifts, and frees.

And sex?
Sex is one small outlet of love -a pretty insignificant one in the big picture of things.

The more I learn about love, the more I let go of sex as the most important form of love...
It's taking years of learning, years of pain, years of trial and error, but learning about love has proven to be the most rewarding journey of my 28 years.

Sex has only served as a saboteur of my journey.  It has it's place in love, YES.  But not until I understand that love is looking into the eyes of a fellow traveler -no matter their sex -and feeling a sexless connection. 
When I can experience true acceptance of self, true acceptance from true friends and family, then I can see clearly the distinction between love and sex.

Sexuality is a cheap, mocking form of connection.

And THAT is what I wish I understood.  That said: I'm not going to complain about the journey it's taking me on.  The truth I'm learning is priceless.

And instead of trying to morph my way into a world where I'm regarded as having value because I'm sexually acceptable, I will find my worth in my God.
His is a love that is drinkable, that when taken in fills you... and I begin to feel that love for not only myself, but for others.
To connect with God is to connect with others and to feel and give and revel in LOVE.

It's no coincidence that sex isn't even in the picture.


  1. I getting so much comfort from your insights ....thank you for helping me feel normal.

  2. Put to words so well. I've been thinking about this a lot lately, too.